Being around psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, counsellors, healers, shamans, guru's, self growth pundits, and these days webinar presenters and the new neurosciences and those that interpret these into healing and therapeutic technologies and wax exceedingly in their exhilaration at the knowledge and clarity it bestows in and on them there appears a plethora and explosion of 'how to do this, don't drink this, this quantum meditation is surpasses the traditional ones, this keto, this vegan, this plant based diet, this cancer cure, this herb recently found in the Amazon and so on is not only confusing but gives the feeling of an ego(like mine) stretching out for recognition, making their mark in the world, an authority and seeking approval.
I had this in my 636 workshop and client days over thirty six years and whilst helping many I did not help myself as much as I could have, rather basking in the approval and following of my some limited celebrity status and non book writing or association forming over those years.
One of the topics and aspects that appears very often is the wounded healer; to me the ego, as said many times is a record, an account, a mausoleum, an extensive library, the brain washing and conditioning, the programmes, the culture, the stamps as mentioned elsewhere and this collective is a box set of one's life experiences and is a not only a 'stored emotional DVD' a 'stored fear, anxiety, anger frustration, exalted, pleasurable, exotic, erotic' and a host of all other collections. All of these are able to be mixed, churned and configured, upgraded and computed to form a response, defence, attack or justification that suits the collective ethos named the ego.
The ego is a live entity which because of brain washing and long term indoctrination and usually cemented into the foundations of life which is babyhood, childhood and adolescence, especially the formulation years between uterus and six which maybe with analogy be the 'footings and foundations of buildings' to which is added peer structures and adult and senior years, and should one have not questioned these basics then one travels down a life journey on fairly fixed rails.
These set of programmes run one automatically, robotic- ally and therein becomes one security, sanctuary and fortress with a closely guarded sentinel at the drawbridge. The inner voice, the incessant mind chatter, the internal dialogue, the habitual self, this then is one's life and one often deceives oneself into fooling oneself that one has free will and choice, even when making a so called free will choice it often seems so but if one carefully examines the process without the justification of the egos approval it is found very often to be a hashed up ego choice, mimicking free will, it is as free as the ego will tolerate and allow it.
So an ego that has a set of principles, goal and achievements based on human agreed goals of success, ambition, celebrity status, notoriety, a well known person and to lesser degrees in status as a family person, a happy healthy body and children, house, car, finances and so on, then one, besides mishaps, accidents and so forth lives a fairly 'good and loving life'. The ego is almost satisfied but always can rear its head to be more.
Sometimes and somewhere the ego begins to realise that death beckons and as one grows older in years a certain amount of loss rears itself and one realises in thought at times, all things material and my apparent reality is impermanent, transitory and then one can look around for insurances such as health strategies, insurance for retirement, funeral cost, retirement homes, perhaps a better or swapping brain washing programme.
Then those egos that have failed to reach any of the standards set by the conditioning; they feel by the world's and sometimes religious, cultural, parental indoctrination to have failed. In therapy I have heard it all (some in Forensics) 'Why am I a failure, why me', ' What have I done wrong?' 'I am a waste of space' 'Why has God gone away and my parents abandoned and rejected me' 'I am only loved and get my approval for doing what I am told and be a good little girl / or boy' 'I must be punished for I am always told off and I must suffer the punishment and then I will be a better girl / boy, women, man', and so many more blocker putting downer words and admonitions.
I had many patients who had sexual problems and some of them were in the category of 'kinky sex', to be graphic and the following may offend some readers; in the the sexual vernacular there is a term called 'rimming' in which the person's desire is to lick the anus of another(when in Forensics we came across so much of the chapter or paragraph and I spoke to many a dominatrix male and female as patients as well as prostitutes, escort girls and the like) some went onto being defecated on and then some went to be begging to be sat on or almost suffocated by the buttocks and anus, some performed oral sex and wanted to be urinated on and drank the urine or sperm or orgasmic juices I pick these two out of many others and fetishes.
I had a patient who felt that he had let his mother down, God down and himself and wished to be punished for his inability to have a relationship with females, he was impotent accept when he was per forming 'face smothering' as above. He felt he was not attractive to anyone and that he was told he was a wimp, told to man up, had huge man boobs and so he wished to be of 'service and atone' for his failures and wrong doings, after all he was a failure and deserved punitive measures. He deserved to 'facially obliterated, put out of existence, hidden from the world by this anus and buttocks and give pleasure to the recipient and cross dress, be told by the dominatrix / prostitute he was a naughty little girl, a waste of space and so on, and these were often the words spoken or implied by the programming earlier on. How do I get my approval, my love other than pleasing another but actually giving myself relief and sexual gratification, he would constantly ask. The wound started here, the start of the tumour, the cyst, the canker, the cancer, this large dark hole, the abyss of despair. The constant layers of this torture filled this hole in his subconscious with vitriolic pus and poison.
The constant confrontation and relief of therapy, visits to sex workers was becoming an addiction like alcohol or drugs, even nightmares, constant masturbation, fantasies and realising that he could never alleviate this longing to be loved for HIMSELF and not for the the self love through the 'relief and joy of self orgasm' and then feeling guilty afterwards that is wrong to do('you naughty little girl / boy stop playing with yourself, stop doing it and so on, perhaps as a six year old and so forth). The wound of guilt after all my parents should know they were my role models, the Dominatrix should know she sees many of my kind. In some 'sex parlours clients self harmed themselves in every kind of way, sadomasochism, then perhaps to satanism and extreme forms of it.
I am guilty of everything my ego tells me I am and should be punished for it; some recovery came when the therapist rather drug therapy by psychiatrists, psychologists and some kinds of counselling recommend were able in a particularly skilled way to point out and give imagery, explanations as to the fact that we were all conditioned and so on and that these hand me down programmes are not the real person (as explained in many back SHACKS) and the festering wound, constantly oozing the pus of self hate and loathing which was mentally, psychologically and emotionally felt (the recall from the graphics laboratory, the IT in the brain, the fake and false identity imprinted in the software in the neuronal network which switches on the matrix of the ego held in the vast cloud storage capacity of external magnetic resonance ego fields which are triggered and switched on by so called outside events of seeming similarity and it only takes one pixel in an experience to start of the similar stored now modified into a recall and experience the trauma, fear, anxiety or pleasurable event).
It was this recognition that the client has seen the conditioning and although it still has a tenacious ferocious grip on him in this case, that the ego fights to keep its agendas in place and wreak havoc with health and mental stability in order to cement things in place. Then there comes a stage, a step, where the person finds it too much and although recognised they are not ready to face the 'gap', 'the void' 'the emptiness' that the vacating programmes leave behind, in fact a 'withdrawal symptom'. There is usually at this stage a relief without fantasy, masturbation or any other distraction an AH HA which is usually a psychological or intellectual understanding and this fuels one on to delve and examine the fetish, guilt, the forlorn hopelessness of not ever being loved or finding love and a search in the mind, books, therapies, ways and means, distractions for something, somewhere, somehow, for Gods sake its a massive Universe there must be something to save my sorry ass.
I had this somewhere, something syndrome when I was so young and as I have told in back SHACK'S with the Koan solving, I realised all 'things' of the world were 'impermanent, transitory' and the danger was to try and make them permanent and everlasting and make things real and forever were fantasies of the mind, all was in the mind. Death was the stalker and yes one can say I will enjoy them and then I can let them go. I tried this and it worked for a while and then I went out into the wide world of Forensics and the Therapy world and realised how much the glamour and glitz and razzmatazz, the tinsel, the allure of hedonism (sensual self indulgence) came in and I fought my 'ghosts of the mind' and it came through meditation. Even then the ego gave me mimicking meditation, I would sit and stare into the night, imaging I was in nature in a log cabin, (and I was in a shack in Minorca and Canada for a while), or at home loving the quietness and alone-ness, feeling self sufficient and then returning to the 'smoke and pollution' of London, Berlin, Brussels and many other places, aeroplanes, airports, luggage, trains, driving, cars, relationships with Gill, Samantha, Carol, Geraldine, Susan, Paula, Greta and buddies and mates, work, ailing mother, searching and always searching all this is not me, its all impermanent and trying to make it permanent and it the fades becomes a loss or I realise its impermanence once more drive one to the edge. The edge of reasoning and logic, this can make one decide to jump or gradually immerse into the pit or hole, and also avoid the depression and suicidal thoughts that may arise, not by suppression or distraction but by recognition.
I could not take many of my patients to the above, many arrived at realising the tramlines and conditioning, however to dive into the real message of impermanence, transitory, ephemeral and the illusionary quality of temporal so called solids which hastened after and hoarded begat a false security(the treasure in the house guarded by dogs and alarms, the mind treasures of stultifying old dusty paradigms) and so it is with love; should one fall in love as I did with the ladies above it was love of something, beauty, companionship, sexual fulfillment, children and so on, but realising putting my security in them or anything although pleasurable was and would come with age, rust, decay, disease, accidents and yes ' for the better or worse till death do us part'. Dependency heralds and breeds loss, sadness 'in my day it was not like this ---if only my Arthur / Maggie were here' old folk reminiscing'. And coping with the loss could be unbearable and so dependency was on the agenda again----and the cycle goes on.
The on rare occasions the wound is seen for what it is; the wounded healer endeavours to heal the wounds that afflicted themselves and tries heal the hurt and pain and able to share how they healed their wounds and then another wound expose.
Suddenly the ego realises that this wound, this unfulfilled brain washed human agenda 'stuff' is exactly what it is; a set of ideas installed into a receptive young non discerning gullible brain box, a hard drive ready and eager to learn from the 'authorities, guides, parents, role models, culture, country and religion and so on, and thereby but the grace of God I could have been in any other one of the 'box sets in the wold incarnation series' AND the wound I feel is not failure, not loved or give love IT is the false fake premise that these are real and everlasting generation after generation and it must be true, god given or scientifically prove(there is a great discussion going on in academia regarding, Intelligent Design, Idealism, Creationism and Darwinism).
The wound in fact is the ego thinking it failed in the laid down script and had to defend a fake premise and so caused a guilt and the above traumas and searching. Once the ego finally realises that 'Whatever is out there (really outside the mind programmes, everything is mind programmes all the realty can be described as there is no out or in ( Morpheus: Morpheus: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. from the film The Matrix)
Then it comes down to there is not outside or inside its all in the mind so the wound is self inflicted by the ego in order to fulfill fake, false indoctrination and once and finally realising there aint no thing, assumption, notion or anything in the vastness of the Cosmos which is the Mind at Large then the Wound is healed. Love is what one is because once the false premise's are removed and the mind is empty and therein wounds, rejection, abandonment, to do the worlds agreements by humans and standards are gone, hurt is gone because the ego realises hurt was based on permanence and permanence itself is a constantly rolling wave with troughs and crests a yo-yo and that line between crest and trough, the polarities and complimentary's is the experiences in which life on Earth presents and that experience is to realise trust in Life and the see through the apparent permanence of materialism.
SHACK
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