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It was a hot July day and all the seats were taken but one, this was at my table, he said 'would you mind if I sat here? I replied ' your welcome please do'
After a while I realised he was a well known actor as people came up for his autograph (before selfies). We got talking and he became an acquaintance. He was guarded and tense we spoke about this and he told me his story.
He had a strict code of morality and he was in a faith which certainly backed up his beliefs and feelings. Any love or intimate scenes in films he would use a double as he felt madly sexual energies and towards his female co stars. He blamed them for his mounting passions and although some of his leading ladies would have gladly have accommodated his needs. He felt masturbation 'wasted Gods Sperm' and felt guilty that he sort of blamed God for creating the female form. No matter how many times he went and confessed, it only it made worse, so he went to the Gym and did other extreme physical exertions in order to dissipate the tension and sexual urge.
The guilt he suffered was immense and he blamed women for making him feel this way and said they were the devils invention to tempt men to sin. He asked me what I felt or thought about this? Since he was not a patient or wanted to attend any sort of therapy or counselling and he did not know I was a forensic and psychotherapist (I decided to be a therapist and not charge for counselling as well as I had seen the horrors of forensic and domestic abuse, I had to declare both to the Police and therapy authorities and had clear line of protocol).
I replied; well if you blame someone or a situation this makes you feel a response, and emotion of some sort and makes one feel uncomfortable or getting off on it in some form or other, actually they have a power over one, like ' you make me feel' so you give them power so to speak and dominate you. However it is your beliefs and codes of ethics that make this so, it goes against your moral and religious ethics and so you feel guilty that you have succumbed to this and upset God into the bargain. As long as you say I blame you, you are the cause of my misery you lose your choice and give then an assumed power over you, your moral code makes the guilt.
He got this and saw the logic of it, next how do I reclaim my choice that my ethics hold over me. I could not go any further such as where did the ethics come from, brain washed and so on.
Well I said; who would you blame now from a logical point of view. He said, well I blame myself for being victim to my own making and now I shifted the blame on me and seem to have a power issue and by blaming them I have merely shifted 'their power over me to my power struggle with me'. I said well at least you are owning your own stuff and what you give away you have no control over however what you own to some degree you have some control and if you wish deal with it in anyway you feel appropriate.
He said well how do I deal with my own power thing with me, it seems worse in a way, I have no one to blame and at least with blaming I could shift some of the guilt on them, its not my fault as your female form is to blame, now that has somewhat lessened I now see its me agin me. I could not go further. I said you could get some therapy over this. He said to me well do you know of a therapist, I said I could recommend some one, he said would you befriend me, I said I cannot because I am a therapist. He stood up and threw his coffee over me and said you bastard.
He continued to walk past me when the odd times this occurred. A great friend of mine who knew both of us said he had asked her if she would approach me to be his therapist and he extended his apologies to me through her, maybe I should have told him from the first time this came up. I am human as well. Anyway I said I would be open to a formal arrangement at the clinic. He agreed to an appointment.
He did not arrive and he had a leading part in a 'gig' as a psychiatrist and this caused a serious breakdown and he was taken in a suicide attempt which the psychiatrist who attended him told me because I knew this doctor well and told him what I told the patient. He said I handled it well and this part in the 'gig' had triggered the guilt to the edge, the doctor said to me I feel you could have helped him a lot if he had arrived at the appointment.
The finale; the actor went to Israel and went to a high valley and he was convinced he could fly 'his words in a letter to the friend I mentioned above 'today I fly to God and ask why he made the female form to torment men'? He jumped and I don't whether God ever answered him?
SHACK
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