Monday, 17 August 2020

SHACK 803 WEARY

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The weary soldier, the dusty traveller, the merchant who is tired of hassling, dealing and bargaining with many world weary people and dreams or fervently seeking a place by the sea, nature anywhere, the log cabin, off  grid or wishfully off world and may even find such a physical domain only to find the same thoughts arise and disturbs the new found physical haven. Mind you such a place can be a step to the peace sought.

I found this situation in Minorca, Scotland and Canada and realised the place I sought was not physical but a place devoid of troublesome thoughts that lurked in the background like hungry ghosts ready to feed of my emotions whether they be fear, uncertainty, pain, suffering, joy, happiness or whatever their predilection.

Not a lovely relationship with a beautiful lady, lasting and fulfilling, children, family, a fine house and welcoming friends, wealth and a successful ambition completed, the joy of grandchildren and so on, I have travelled extensively, met thousands of people in workshops, been in the 'glamour' of forensics, had relationships and yet felt tired of this as if I had been through this so many times, perhaps an over throw or long distant past shadows of incarnations and always the missing peace was to find peace not in form and materialism but in the realisation of the true life which to me is a life without former brain washing and a mind which is clear of many thoughts and functions from the inner awareness which catches the 'urge or prompt' like a Native American 'dream catcher' and the 'Catcher in the Rye' syndrome.   

An example how this arises in me as of late; as a child I was mollycoddled by my dearest mother and in my years between four and thirteen in particular, a break came in between, facilitated by a Portuguese GP when we lived in Wembley for a short while, yet when we moved to Stamford Hill it all surfaced again, probably due to the impending divorce or break up by my parents. So when I returned lately after three severe bouts of illness which were so called life threatening from end of 1999 till 2002 I was weak and moved to where I am now in 2002 and started to rebuild. One of the fear thoughts I have is about my health and it is so deeply ingrained that it takes over quite literally as an automatic unconscious emotion and prompt. Because of pneumonia, pleurisy and congestion of the lungs as a child with the odd bouts of bronchitis it left me prone to chills, fear of getting the above aforementioned and weak circulation, the fear causing tightness and tension and not trusting life but the fear of installed programmes and agendas, brain washing and conditioning through life's experiences. I feel we all have sensed somewhere deep down within us that these programmes are not of us, we were inculcated, conditioned and brainwashed and the real 'us, me, you' is endeavouring to arise like a seed pushing through the heavy earth to reach the Sun and fresh pure air. A bright clear mind and a happy mind is less full of thoughts as it rests in the joy of itself.

 So I started cold water showering, I had ventured into this several times before and literally 'chickened' out, but now at the age from 79 to now as I type 81 and quarter years really getting into it even in midwinter, no hot just warm water to lather soap then into the cold and it is cold water. When I first started this I was petrified and I had terrible thoughts of pleurisy, flu and worse and a really horrible one that I get it if I feel I over exercise myself 'I will irreparably damage myself, I will get cancer, my blood pressure will soar, I will be hospitalised and pumped full of nasty drugs surgery, crippled, maimed and have terrible disability's, stroke, heart attack and wheelchair bound'.  

These thoughts and feelings that accompany them of dread and horror have somewhat subsided, they are more subtle and just appear and as I notice them as my awareness sharpens and I can catch them before they feed on the fear and magnify and swamp me and lead to panic attacks or downright almost seizure of my mind.

Bless the cold shower and the dear lady at the Social Services and dear Dr Monkman and Dr Edwards who got the permission to install a wonderful wet room and so facilitate a marvellous way of showering. 

So I am learning to trust and realise it is the thoughts that that fuel the emotions and hearken to the demise of me and these are but deep seated and embedded programs which are not the real me. The real me is that which is clear of most thoughts even of happy ones and it leaves me with just awareness and the haven sought is in the awareness of awareness.


SHACK





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