Despite
the torment I experienced late one night and I got this urge to watch horrible
things on the net and it shamed me and made me feel disgusted at the human
behaviour and how could they sink so low and it came home to me that had I have
been in different circumstances, this could have well have been me and what was so
shocking that some of it I wanted to join in the horror and the gore, the dark
abuse of the body. When in forensics I came across dominatrixes, sadomasochism,
dungeon stuff, satanic black magic and much more and I could see how childhood
abuse trauma and imprisonment and all that sort of thing can bring about the
multiple complexities and ways of what to me and perhaps others that revolts,
shocks and disgusts and yet the recipient of these scenarios maybe replay them
over and over again for several reasons; to try and understand this painful and
yet sometimes pleasurable experience and to feel this is the only reality that they are
trapped in, as such and perhaps to inflict on others so that they are not alone in
their suffering or misinterpreted distorted reality in which they may feel it
is normal. Their reality is their security as horrible as I might perceive it, and they can get a sort of pleasure from it, especially if they they think that they are to blame and must be punished for it. I know of several dominatrixes who became very wealthy by beating the crap out of their clients and what does it say about the dominatrix, we may all play the roles of perpetrator and victim to lesser or greater extent.
I
have seen and experienced in mild forms other than brothels, cult dungeons or
satanic sado stuff many of the nuances and can feel the seduction and allure to
the so called ‘dark side’ and yet in the dark episodes of forensic and
psychotherapy and counselling sessions, with the workshops and me being the
therapist, many of these I could relate too and feel, then to expunge through
meditation.
Yet
during these episodes of disgust, fear and horror a sudden light, not an
affirmation, a plea for mercy from the saboteur ninja of my underworld, but a
click a switch that brings a joy, a calm and I know deeply and without fooling
myself, the other stuff is not me, indeed a me I cannot define as by the
descriptions and feelings above, but this light, this energy is clearly not
definable but I know with all of my being it is me.
I
want to help, perhaps because of a return or reward and approval, yet there is a sincere wish to heal and to love, perhaps this is a selfish motive, yet I know
in my own understanding I cannot accomplish this and maybe in a small way. To hand it over to the Great Being, the Great Spirit, The Source of Life, God
Almighty is the way I feel to do it and this is not God out there, somewhere
else playing Golf or with the angels and leaving us to out own mire. No this is
uncovering the trap door, the carpet over the boards, the clouds covering the
Sun, nay, this is the knowledge deeply felt, not by intellect but by feeling
not of the emotions but of the heart, it is compassion.
I
then say ‘well Great Source of Life I do not want to trouble you, you have the
Universe and so many beings in this. Have I the right to ask you for healing for my friends, for humanity, for me,
for everything’? Then I feel you created
us and therefore to my simple mind, I feel you mean us no harm, we are yours
and you hold all and everything in your hand as it were, you gave us free will
and that is a gift of freedom, you gave me a body which your intelligence informs
and intelligently guides and if we listen in stillness our bodies can speak to
us in feelings. However if we abuse our whole environment in which move, live
and have our being and by our own limited selfish means it is us who destroy,
make ill and suffer.
So
by being still and open and just witnessing and the clouds are slowly moving
by, the clouds of thoughts, fantasies, darkness, depressing interludes I am
beginning to feel that the Sun Of Your Great Presence which cannot be defined
or described in Words, pictures or any attempted adjectives is your Presence in
Me, we are one in that moment. Then I feel am I mistaken, is this my ego
conjuring up this light this joy in order to give me a break then torture me
again with its machinations and distrust, the doubting Thomas, the Judas and
off again on the trail of the wilderness of dark and foreboding absurdities and
nonsensical flippancies.
The
feeling of standing back and letting the Light do the work, be still and know
that God is within me, makes me feel at times, am I being lazy, callous and non
caring, I’m all right Jack, pull up the drawbridge. Then I am frustrated that
my personal accomplishments and compassion are so limited in its scope and
there is only one who knows all and is all and that my greatest help could be
to intercede and open not by begging, pleading, prayer of asking but by being
still and quiet and to know that the GREAT BEING already knows my heart and if
I am still and not me as it were as an ego, the Greater Being will take care of
the details. For what might for me not
be a healing, a supply or some such thing maybe a learning, karmic event that
is entirely appropriate for them but not for me in my assessing through the
backdrop and background of the net of conditioning and programming, the brain
washed reality that has no wider knowledge of the future that the Great Being
has.
Yet
I still have the pangs of; maybe I should have tried, maybe I have been
selfish, do I really trust the Great
Being, is there indeed a Great Being. No amount of logic or reasoning will
solve my dilemma and doubt, distrust and guilt only by my not doing through the
limited me and letting go and by trial and error I will know.
SHACK
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