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Hey I am confused, why
this reality is not a reality and all seems an illusion, foggy, brain fog,
physical fatigue. Could it be diet, chemtrails, fluoride, diet, additives,
preservatives, plastic in my water, not detoxing or juicing regularly,
meditation and internal dialogue which is obsessive as I go into it, rebounding
and joint pain, no interest and no rest, relaxation difficult the neck and
trapeziums tense, all the junk food, fasting and organic food, what to eat,
weird dreams, sexual weird dreams and pornographic fantasies, and my excuse
that the ego wants to lure me away, seduce me into an identity albeit madness
or some such thing, a recluse, an eccentric,a grumbling angry old git.( Git (slang)
... Git is a term of insult with origins in English denoting
an unpleasant, silly, incompetent, annoying, senile, elderly or childish
person. As a mild oath it is roughly on a par with prat and marginally less
pejorative than berk.)
I know the above state of mind a kind of frozen
blank stare which can fool me into a sort ‘imagined or shocked empty mind’ but
as ‘Krishna Murti’s term when asked about mantra’s he ‘said try Coca Cola say
it continually an the mind will become fixed, dull, inert and stupid’.
Well I have been wrestling with the birth clean
slate and I could be anyone or anything and then the emptiness of the
atom, nothing is solid, there is no identity, the Universe creation to find
itself in the mirror of its relationships with it created forms only to realise
there is no permanence in form, all is transient and somewhat trance like, dream
like, fantasy WHICH is like the ego trying to find a solid foundation which is
its identity.
Then the nothing -ingness I had when I laughed
so much and was genuinely free for weeks on end and Andrew sent me these videos https://youtu.be/DfvgvDkdG2M
I relate a event in my Posts, blogs and
somewhere in this SHACK writings of the ‘solving of a koan and when I rushed to
Sensei and he said’ sit down have a cup of tea, now your troubles begin, you will
never see the world as others see it and you will be misunderstood’. I felt so free no laughter as such just joy
and compassion. Going back to work and relationships I had minor episodes of
this emancipation. Then Sensei, Sifu and mentors went away and I had to face
the world naked with no advice, a few books and travelling and living in the wild and off
grid, a monastery, a new age community and got tangled up in Forensics and then
Quantum Physics which endorsed my already understanding of impermanence. The world was a dream place, the workshops I
presented, the dear folk in healing, therapy and counselling, so many stories
and traumas, marriage and relationships, my life threatening illnesses and poverty, people threatening me,
my distancing from family and then the laughter and again freedom and joy and
true no mind.
Then old age, retirement, lack of ambition and
the mind again pressing for an identity, I want my mind back and the world
presented me with distractions in which I could ‘put my eggs in one basket’ and
be someone, a NASA Associate, a footballer once long ago, a marriage long gone
and, and, and, ----what now the hitch, the hook by theorising about emptiness,
atoms empty, impermanence, juicing, meditation, holosync, NDE, the origin of
the Universe, God or no God, all this I had to do with my own insights and now
the fooling---try to find an identity in no identity, in that shocked numbed
stare, the freezing of the mind, another
ploy to hold up movement and translating that into stiff joints and
muscles and habitual rearing of old patterns, that stare into blankness is
restless in its tense stultifying stiff frozen fear and yet no sensations—it is
the ego shocked at its own nothingness, its crapping itself on its demise and
yet refuses to capitulate, it is suspense, on strike, mortally wounded and the
pain of this realisation, this pain is a refusal and denial to surrender to its origin which is emptiness, it arose from nowhere and will go back
there.
Become aware that intellectual enlightenment
which I have needs to be looked at, I have tried to establish an identity
there; I am a teacher, a workshop presenter, healer, and scientist, a sort of
moral high ground hypocrite, a raconteur, and keep symbols of my attainments. I
have a fooled myself and yet, nay, another step to shine the light of the ever
stalking ego and its attempt cover up the awareness of freedom.
SHACK
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