When I held one to one sessions or in workshops, phone calls and the like I often heard peoples experiences and I have felt and experienced this as well; Even though many could function well or reasonably well despite the experience I am about to describe there came this deep emotional overwhelming physical heartfelt, a pressure in the chest area of a deep heartfelt ache a sort of plea for help and rescue.
It often came about when there was a trauma in the world, a loss, an emotional recall or film, TV story or a remembrance of a deep wound, yes the wounded healer syndrome. By this I do not mean that everyone who experienced this was a healer, but they in a sense wanted to heal the feeling of a deep wound somewhere within them or the world at large.
My experience of this is that I sense a wound, a hurt of nothing specific and when I look at it by slow relaxed breathing and alertness I feel it a pit of darkness and the content of the darkness is not yielding any content or information, it is not depressing in its feel but just a 'bag' of unspecified darkness and it is bottomless and I can travel down it and it can at times open up into light without any suggestion of intent for light, I merely go down, down the lift shaft and if there is no light or solid landing, I just wait and then it subsides.
Particularly in my Forensic work I encountered the fact of the obscenity and seemingly madness of the crime, the state of mind that produced such an outcome be it drug, traumatic war experiences, abuse and humiliation were a mystery and although all of the factors above mentioned may have been the cause to my mind completely foreign and yet there lurked in me that had I become as above aspects of trauma thereby I could of done the same and many I had spoken too also had the feeling they battle with the urge to do so.
Many of us would not like to admit the ugliness we may carry in us in our suppressed pit and go into deep denial and righteousness or distraction.
Yet I find it therapeutic to look and go into the pit if only to confront the darkness and maybe even if nothing arises to the clue of the abuse / hurt / shame comes about it is useful just to acknowledge the darkness and horror feeling of descending into the pit and just not pushing it away or encouraging it.
Then examining the heart and chest pressure, the ache that sometimes accompanies it; it feels to me a deep wound, a gash, a tear in the flesh of my soul my essence, it feels as though I am alienated from my essence which to me is love, care, sharing, compassion and being human in that sense. I see the horror as above in Forensics and the pit, but this is lighter and has the sense of not being a pit but the 'neuron' heartfelt cry for its lost feel of a loving heart and why on Earth and in Heaven is my wound so deep as to lose the sense of that loving glow when my heart sings with love, light, joy and yearning to reach out to all and sundry with love, not an emotional sloppy sentimental love but a radiant light bright, joyful and true to my souls desire.
I feel the horror of the pit and what it might hold and the programmes and agendas of my brainwashing that clouds the compassion and then this sinking to the pit and the agony of the heartache, as my heart is softly, gently calling me out from the hole of the pit and when there is light at the bottom of the shaft then my heart has successfully called me back to my center. This assists with the wound which is the feeling of a very physical ache in the heart and chest which is the intelligence of the heart comprehending the leak from love to darkness and the knowledge that the dark pit is actually a 'fuel' to energise, a generator to fuel the brainwashing ego programmes and agendas which are out of sync and at odds with light.
This darkness and sinking feeling also says to me 'where was the love I never got and where did it go? I know many of my 'stuff' came from childhood, in the uterus, and a distant far memory perhaps reincarnation, yes psychologically and intellectually I understand this and my awareness through meditation and the light is diminishing the darkness and heart ache wound which the neurons if you like are naturally loving and compassionate and have been overlay- ed and brainwashed into other agendas (with chemicals as the neuropeptide is altered by constant repetitive thought which then conditions the neurons and cells to disruptive information and effects the heart and other organs). I now realised I am loved by the Universe, by my parents and all the other experiences because like me they went through similar brainwashing and passed it down to me as they thought it right to be as generations had done before, so my inheritance has now changed and through awareness I feel the 'pain' and realise it not my ego want of not being loved and it had to import love and respect, compassion and the feeling of lack of self confidence by its own means and I feel the light of awareness to gently bring me intuitively and spontaneously back to a healthy quiet acceptance of who I am.
Now could I be fooling myself and it is the ego mimicking and mocking me with a false light and awareness. I know and feel intuitively the authentic and the fake. The real is satisfying the ego is temporary and feels false and shallow. It feels intellectual, psychological and a plaster over the wound.
So the wounded healer that person who feels a wound of not being loved, cherished and only loved to what they give to earn attention and a love which is a return for services rendered, want to give love emotionally, wants to serve to earn a reward of love and as that popular song says' what do I have do to make you love me' 'What do I have to do to make me recognise me and so on'. What do I have to do-----nothing-----when one returns to the fact that is a mere psychological hurt, real and painful, searing and torment, dark, lonely, isolation and despairing then one begins to turn the tide, one then begins to feel the heart regaining its rightful place and that ONE IS LOVE, LIGHT, JOY, PEACE AND THIS IS NATURAL, then is no need to search for love 'outside' or 'inside' one then is in the energy field of the Self and the Universe. The pit has gone not through fright, fear or pressure or by will, the wound is healed because the false programmes have been seen by the awareness of consciousness and light which is consciousness and awareness and awareness exposes all fallacious programming and agendas.
SHACK
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