SHACK 4007 SO TIRED

Mentally Exhausted

 He trudged up the path to the cottage, his back pack and roll carrier seemed so heavy and his weary body dragged him to the last yard of the entrance. He opened the door and just collapsed on the chair, he was too tired to go to the bedroom, his army boots were tight, his feet burning and clammy, he struggled to get the laces undone, finally with an effort he kicked them off half undone, he was hungry and thirsty he was tired he could not sleep, then he drifted off into a deep slumber. 

When he awoke it was early dawn and he felt aches and pains, stiff in the joints, headaches and dehydrated, he boiled some water and slowly sipped it and sat on a rustic old weather beaten chair and as he sat looking at the hills and valleys on these ancient moors, he felt the silence of the wild and he cried and cried.

Gradually he came too as it were and it was for the first time in fifteen long years he relaxed a bit and felt a modicum of peace. He still had on his military gear and slowly and surely took them off and he lay naked on the grass and cried and cried again. Slowly he got up and went to the kitchen and made some food and ate it slowly.

He kept thanking this invisible God, he was not religious but was conscious throughout his military career of a 'sometimes' saving force he could not understand. This he thanked over and over again many times and especially in this quiet serene quiet natural surrounding's.

A few months before he ended with the military he like so many of the troops began to get weary of the noise, the grime, the killing, the screams of the injured, the people running hither and thither, anywhere to avoid the horror of bombs, bullets. massive tanks, drone and endless helicopter gun ships, fast planes buzzing, the beatings, the torture, devastated at leaving or seeing their love ones raped, tortured, brutally butchered even children and those children hiding in bombed out building's who had seen their family shot or massacred. He had done his best to help and he felt futile which was depressing and yet he had to be alert and fight.

He was tired of the uselessness of war, the politics, the religions, those getting fat and rich in the arms supply business, safe in their luxurious homes. He was angry at this futile battle and those elsewhere, he was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted as were those around him, they barked orders at him and he at his troop, he begged for a few days rest for him and the boys, they did not listen they pushed them on and somehow they got some sort of angry defiance which was channelled against the enemy they were told 'the quicker you kill the bastards, the quicker you get home'.

He needed this quiet and to be alone with himself, it was the quiet that helped him relax and it took time for the body and mind to gradually let go, he found the sheep, goats, horses, pigs and the cows with the birds in the woods, the rabbits, squirrels, the beautiful trees, the butterflies even the gravel in some parts and the paths which he avoided if there were people to be the best company

He had a very good pension as an officer and he led his troop and was first in and said ' I would not expect you to do what I wouldn't do' and he was well respected.

He couldn't hunt and shoot for food, he did fish occasionally and swam in the river, he gradually began to work out with Tai chi and some other type Kungfu which he had learnt in some monasteries and roaming monks and shamans, he did not drink alcohol or smoke and when others went to town occasionally or the few rest days he practiced meditation and some of his troop did this with him, he realised that everyone has their way of coping and he was a soldier not a therapist, so those who drank alcohol, went to brothel or just played cards, daydreamed or masturbated that he just observed and let it go by, although he was listening ear if needed.

He was offered a good job on demob, he knew where he wanted to be. He bought food from the farmers who were simple and kind, he thought they were the wisest and not simple as some of the villagers felt, he avoided the village, he used to ride a horse that one of the farmers hired out and he had a sort of dog that came around. He didn't feel lonely or alone and sitting there on the patio looking at the stars were enough, he didn't feel the need for female company although he was 'all man so to speak'. somehow he lost interest in sexual 'stuff' and did have the odd masturbation. He found that quiet his Qi Gong, Tai chi and meditation sort of 'drained off' the sexual energy and at times as more so as he dwelt so simple with food, no TV and just a simply mobile phone with a large aerial for emergency as it were he felt androgynous and he had some books on kundalini and so on.

What happened to this man? No one actually knows.

In a way I relate somewhat to this narrative. I grew weary and exhausted with the horror of forensics, being around police and the 'macho' supressed emotions, the tight lip, the zipped up emotions, the workshop presentations and more anguish and as a therapist more and more hurt and shame. So in the end I looked for quiet, in those working days I was an observer and not a participator. I saw the brothels, the homeless, the cut up bodies, the mentally ill, the broken relationships, the 'dirty politicians and senior police officers who were on the take'.   

I yearned not only for a quiet home in the country but for mental peace, the noisy thoughts not out there but in my head so to speak, the noisy thoughts are just as intrusive as loud noise and peace can arrive during noise outside as it were as in meditation.

So I am realising that is how the program, the brain washing which says; you get old and ill, yours joints ache, you get this that and the other, then the incessant food gurus, the medical and their stuff, well meaning GP's who put their will on you and of course my writings and research, giving up workshops after 670 of them patients over 3,000 and teaching Judo, Tai Chi and Qi Gong with healing and meditation classes and in 2000 it all ended with a cancer scare and then searching for a quiet place not only in mind but in home.

The best I could do with little money was to be where I am now, it is quiet, warm, small and lovely long shared garden with trees, bushes, squirrels, birds, foxes and other beings of nature.

What will become of me I don't know actually.

SHACK