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The monumental experiences that lead up to the title 'can't love, I have written in back SHACKS were NDE, Sensei Breaking Wood, Koan, Empty Atom, Nowhere to Hang My Hat, Identity Inculcation and Ice Cube-----Consciousness.
In the NDE I was too young to appreciate the experience although it did have a profound effect unbeknown to my understanding at the time and age, it was more a subtle imprint on a very young mind, as I feel now my innate consciousness recognised it and sort of 'stored it' for later understanding as it were.
The Koan caused a shift, a rearrangement of some sort in perception in my psyche or whatever and I came to the understanding after a while of assimilating the experience and not having an explanation in logical terms for it, that this left me with a distinct 'message' that all previous beliefs and views were not appropriate or did not fit the picture as it were. I realised everything around me and my own body, the Universe were impermanent, transient and dream like. This led me to really think, contemplate and meditate this transiency, temporariness and such like. It puzzled me why all this Universe and things and its only 'here today and gone tomorrow' I felt 'what's the use' and while working in Forensics what's this horrendous and petty crime if its all impermanency so why run after things and acquisition, this caused me some consternation, I stopped meditation and pondered this paradox, I came to a sort of conclusion; because everything was impermanent we try to cover the loss or feeling of death and emptiness with acquiring material things, money and power to ease the feeling of impermanence.
The distraction of hoarding and addiction was an attempt to alleviate this anxiety of not being immortal and other similar anxieties. I suppose many of my colleagues did not subscribe to this and a few feeble attempts to broach them with this just fell on deaf ears or strange looks at me and lost many a budding friend who thought I was potty (slang for crazy, daft).
Then an opportunity came my way which involved atoms; I had an experience of my finger disappearing whilst placing it in a scanning electron microscope and it was like blobs, I felt molecules, I had already had the breaking wood and 'Going between the Bits' former articles and this reinforced it and this led me to the empty atom and then the idea or concept fitted in with impermanence and emptiness and then brought up the paradox well how do you get something from nothing.
Whilst at this time I had several girlfriends and they found I could not put the passion and love into the relationships especially with my Gilly my partner and wife (married at Findhorn so not a legal as it were marriage) they felt as did my buddies and mates, I was different somewhere else and Gill felt I was in an ivory castle and remote, she could not reach me and felt a part of me was hidden, so we parted and many of mates as well. I suppose a psychologist or counsellor would have found some psychological aberration and yet a certain amount of this served in order to do workshops and counselling and become a psychotherapist as well as doing Forensics.
Then came the delving into the observer effect in an experiments with the two slit one and then delving into who am I and realising that many of us are a cloned mind (many, many back articles on this)and we are as such brain washed and in fact delving into this our basic nature or ground state which is just pure consciousness and a mind stripped almost to the bare bones of beliefs and thoughts arising from the inculcated brainwashed mind in a box as it were named ego and this dropped me into the non identity of 'Nowhere to hang my Hat' and again reinforcing this impermanent nature of all things and the ego was the stalwart champion of permanency.
I realised that if I 'put my eggs into one basket' so to speak if I 'fell in love' I relied to a certainty extent that my well being and happiness came from that 'basket' and the attachment to that was my reason amongst other minor aspect for living and could become a 'love Addiction' and when that 'basket' that form was lost or broken, often pain and suffering ensued and the grief could lead to serious mental and darkness of mind and body illness.
So I then went into 'the Ice Cube' endeavouring to keep an ice cube from melting in my hand, to try and become immortal so to speak and realised that again all things were transient and nothing lived for ever.
I realised that love in a human way was in a way just an emotional massage and could be just to satisfy the ego and tradition and so I lost as it were the ability to 'love' as a human and then I found compassion. As cold as it may seem and many thought I was copping out of a meaningful loving relationship, I witnessed many a relationship breakup in countries, politics, personal, marriage and many addictions to drugs, alcohol and so on and when the object of one's love through attachment wore off and the inevitable parting and breakup occurred then pain and suffering came with often withdrawal symptoms which I witnessed in clinics, workshops and forensics.
Although there were lapses in meditation as above, there still were spontaneous glimpse's of 'no mind, empty mind' and they were not sought-after as far as I felt I felt they were genuine spontaneous outbursts of pure unadulterated joy and just some gift of grace. Then I became aware of the loss of identity and the crises this can bring and I realised I was awakened to some sort of separate reality to the mundane brain washed mind and that there is no such thing as reality due this being formed from the ego stored brain washed hand me downs of thousands years of brain washed deeply impacted and ingrained conditioning and programming, so I decided not to run away from this identityless empty mind and not fear madness, insanity, senility and so on and began to let the fear be and explore through no opinionated judgement on what came up through passing the cloud of fear and trepidation. Then there came when I sort of 'passed though a barrier as if I had a tight 'brain and head' into a deeper if one can use this word or any words to describe adequately the feeling going into the same 'arena or space' of those spontaneous glimpses of that joy and calm, the balm of No Mind. I realised this was being identityless and this was a sort of ground state of just Being, this was consciousness and this who I am.
I was the conscious expression of consciousness, I was consciousness experiencing Itself, I was a witness to consciousness and I was self aware of myself as consciousness, I was the conscious expression of the Universe being conscious of itself.
As the Universe as it seems to me is Consciousness and Its consciousness is in and through everything then it does not 'love or have compassion' for an individual and is not subject to impermanence perhaps Its Creation is, but not Consciousness Itself, then it is unattached or non addictive compassion for each and everyone of Its Creation and I felt this compassion for those imprisoned by their brain washed limed local mind stuff and subject to the dictates and petty human ego which holds back the flow of life blocked by human stultifying agendas.
So where am I right now-----I've no idea.
SHACK
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