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| Courtesy Nuclear Blast Record |
The image above does not adequately portray the feeling I wish to portray here. But then does anything really portray in depth and experience the exact visceral feel and inner knowing?
The portrayal that I have in mind may not connect with the image or text above, however it does to me, so here goes. I have often felt and contemplated about prayer, it is said in many holy books and philosophies that one should pray often and daily yet I have some reservations about this; I have found myself at times praying because I am fearful and at the back of mind I felt I was a hypocrite because I was asking God for help and was reminding God, 'look I am praying' I was using God as an insurance that God would not forget me or love me if I did not pray. If I really loved God I would know and trust God (I do not use him or her as I feel God is a him/her as it were). Was I using prayer and supplication to ease my own conscience to assuage my guilt and not anger God and be left to the fire of hell and bring disease and pain to my life. Like a child who neglects to visit their ageing parents and feels guilty and does the once a year visit as a duty and not for love and true feeling.
So there is a dilemma a veritable quandary do I cease prayer because I am only doing it to assuage my guilt and fear a sort of lip service or as the Native American quote 'man speaks with forked tongue' or is it better to pray in some other way?
I feel there is another way; it is is said the highest form of prayer is to be silent and still. I feel that when the mind is quiet and still I have surrendered and not used my own understanding, my agendas and ego demands are somewhat quietened and I am receptive only to the stillness, I am open to what Life which is God has to offer or has in mind for me, I am grateful when so called synchronicities, coincidences and grace is gifted to me and then quickly this fades when life returns in its routine manner in daily living.
Some say that that when I awaken from sleep I should offer thanks for life in me and the days light and yet I feel this can be a way of saying, please do not make harm come this way today and angels guard me while I sleep or walk by me by this day, I feel this is me because I do not trust in God, in Life, did God bring me to this Earth to punish me or torment me, not in the depths of my being I know this is not so, yet the tormentor, the ego, the something else says silently and whispers so softly and puts an unease and says' do you really think God looks out for you, you are a soft fleshly being and at risk to everything, disease, old age, lack of love and everything was terrible in your childhood why should you be special, why should the great God of this Universe, this Creator of all and everything shine the light of protection on you or anyone else?
Yet despite this I feel and know that there is an awareness that is aware that I am aware of that awareness, I am self aware and that means I am conscious I am alive because of the awareness of consciousness, I experience my aliveness as a witness to this aliveness and although there is no tangible evidence of this and my body may not feel this my awareness of awareness is the conscious experience of Life.
This awareness is the highest form of prayer.
SHACK aka GEOFF
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