On some days and even for an extended period I go
through what I call ego assault. It usually starts as a booming echoing
thunderous voice within my head so to speak and tells me I have every illness
under the Sun.
Many years back when I had suspected cancer of the
jaw and mouth I was walking across a park to get my car that I parked in a
friends garage when a vision appeared to me as an umbrella carried by the Grim
Reaper and hanging from the veins of the umbrella was a number of small skulls
all with my relatives who had passed away with cancer. The Reaper came towards
me and whispered and the whisper sounded like a echoing voice and it said in a
drawl ‘cancer---cancer---cancer. I
collapsed on the ground and passed out.
When I awoke I got up and walked to my car. Some weeks later it cleared
up.
Now and again I get the same fear come back
without the vision. This day as I type this 6th July 2017 I awoke
with a huge dread, nothing specific but the same feel as the reaper, my mind
went to many things; was I picking up a terrible world event, was I indeed going
to get sick, was I, was I? It drove me to distraction and was never as intense
like this.
Instead of a usual distraction I stayed focussed
and looked at it, then I went and did my one hour Qi Gong and during this I had
a usual occurrence of bliss and peace and I had a realisation that this was an
ego assault. I realise it is easy to
blame it on the ego and distance myself from the ego which some say is the real
self however I do not subscribe to this as foolhardy as one may think it is and
indeed the battle for the false ego and the real me is just a mental type of
paranoia and psychological blip. Some would say I am in delusion and all this
stuff about empty mind, illusion and such like is just fuelling the battle and
torment. I have to admit at times I feel
that as well.
However foolhardy or not as I felt the bliss I got
a distinct feeling that the dread would latch itself onto something and sure
enough it did---you guessed it cancer.
Nearly all of my family passed away with cancer and I knew from many
sources that it might not be hereditary genetics more like emotional and
psychological hand me downs----this really rang a bell for me.
Then a realisation and it was visual; I saw the
dread thoughts lurking in the background waiting to plant their seed and
fertilise it in the soil of fear in the mind which would if nurtured transfer
to the body, because of a saying from therapy ‘your body believes anything you
tell it—the body is repository for negativity---the body is a dumping ground for
anything not owned by one and so on’
My awareness was sharp and I saw clouds in the sky
as it were and the ego cancer thought jumped on one, it needed a raft, a platform
to know it’s real and take root and form its life. I then realised the collective human
unconscious or ‘cloud’ was full of negativity due to the world ethos and world
ego was rampant at this time in our history.
The ego in me, like a television that is looking
for its own programme from the invisible frequencies that the aerial is
programmed to and hastily attune the remote tuner to get its confirmation,
since those who do subscribe to the world ethos of money, politics, religion
and material wealth and possessions being top of the pile is the only
worthwhile pursuit and to keep the body young, healthy, attractive forever then
those that buck the trend have to fight the tide.
Perhaps it is learning not to fight just to let the
waters flow around the rocks in the stream of living and Life and let that
intuitive feeling as came to me in quiet moments be my way and not succumb to
fear. That is not to push it away which merely empowers it and says to fear ‘see
how strong you are you frightened the pants off of him, he crapped himself, he
keeps urinating out of fear, his father died of bladder cancer, his mother of
thymus cancer, his brother of lung cancer and many of his friends have skin
cancers, so keep up the good work, become strong and your family of
Alzheimer’s, motor neurone, MS and all the others are having a field day, your
collective family is doing this’.
The world governments and media are providing the
scene and perceived extreme fear, doctors although well meaning do this to some
extent, adverts in the press and TV often start with ‘Have you these symptoms---illness
named---go check it out'. Then the food
industry with sugar warnings, health gurus warnings, new supplements, diet and
so on.
Become a hermit, just distract and what the hell
If get ill I’ll suffer the treatments and hope to die quickly with as little
pain as possible, get senile so I will not know anyway, suicide not an option
because I am scared to do it---no because of unfinished business and if there
is a thing as reincarnation -----no not again.
So it can all seem hopeless and despairing. I know go to the doctor and
get anti depressants and there are many getting high or low on these the same
as alcoholics, heroin, weed and so on. Then perhaps meditation, Yoga, Tai Chi, Qi
Gong, Palate's and all points North of the Compass.
For me the redeeming part comes when I get into
the bliss, not so much the bliss as the realisation of looking through the fear
and realising it’s a fabrication, I can feel it dissolving. Yet it will attack again because it is the
family history and the Jewish paranoia, it is in the five books of Moses, and
many bibles are doom and gloom. I cannot take away I was born into a Jewish
family and at its roots beautiful and the worship of the One Source, yet the
dogma has become more than the experience. I feel I am a Universal being. I was
taught to be a Jew, if as a baby I was not taught to be a Jew I could have been
taught to be any other religion or none at all.
Do I blame religion, politics, science and the modern Western Way
What follows when this realisation hits home after
the intellectual level has discerned this and followed by an understanding,
then an Ah Ha and then dissipation and relief---like the stream wears down the
rock the unflinching awareness unbiased observer witness may one day bring joy
and liberation---from what---ones own mind content.
SHACK
123rt.com
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