All this writing is only trying to fix a definite
explanation, I want to arrive somewhere, be somewhere and this is just another
subtle trap to have a platform, a foundation and to have something material
solid and real. This might inevitably
lead to concepts, disciplines, rituals, rules and dogma along with the defence
mechanisms of guilt if not adhered too and punishment if due duty is not
carried out. Shame because the side was let down, I will reproach myself and
berate myself for the lack of motivation to the cause.
This then pressures me and causes anxiety and I
feel I am being driven to the end of the length of my mind, indeed to the edge
of my mind logic and reason.
The edge of my mind; it is like I have read and
presented in workshops, gone to workshops; my Sensei said when I had a AH HA
with a koan “now your troubles begin”. Then I had the feel of it elated and lost
the buzz but a little something remained and lured me on to be more fully into
‘it’.
Over the years I now understand it as I realised the
implications; I could not meet the standards of the world and what people
expected of me; people would often say and of now as well, you lack ambition,
be somebody, be important, famous, successful, your dumb, plain lazy, a failure
and by world standards I would heartily agree with them. I would agree with them from their point of
view; I have tried to be ambitious, to assert myself (I did once and made a
fortune and lost it because I had not worldly business sense) it just put me in
conflict, it felt foreign and I just wanted to be in nature, go off grid, build
an ecological bio Chalet, grow organic food and meditate, instead I ploughed my
way through in my younger years soccer, cricket, martial arts, electrics, forensics,
science and Uncle Tom Cobley and all and I
suffered, even the workshops and clinical stuff, blogs and all just didn't seem
right, there was always something missing.
There was a discord, it did not seem natural.
So then I stood at the edge of my mind; the edge
being; having searched the libraries and reference books of my mind for the
answer I was looking for, I was looking for the answer of no answer,
frantically running hither and nether around the halls and highways and bye
ways of my collective life experiences desperately trying to conjugate,
reconfigure, juxtapose, compute, manipulate, make the facts fit the data ad
rearrange the past to suit a nebulous future.
Lo and behold no satisfactory verbal, visual,
intellectual or logical answer and no satisfactory sense or feeling came to my
restless mind because I knew and deeply sensed all the above was temporary,
expedient, transient and illusionary like with no lasting substance, this
really caused more conflict.
I found myself standing on the top of a pinnacle on
the very top plateau, perched on a very precarious table top on this massive
tower, like the Tower of Babylon, The
Tower of Babel, built by the bricks and constructs of my past; the theories,
the workshops, the books, the discussions, the blogs, the dream and so on; I
have to leap of this huge massive tower and off of the edge---the edge of my
mind. Where do I land? Maybe there isn't a landing, maybe it is a
never ending floating in something somewhere or maybe oblivion.
Jump is the only option---wait a minute is it?
Here we go again---procrastinating.
If I dive into the abyss, this great yawning
chasm, the great gaping black hole will I become senile, unkempt, a Buddhist
junky, a tramp, a hobo, a bum, a babbling imbecile and a captive of an insane
medical asylum and medically drugged in a fog of real madness and perhaps an
incoherent non entity shuffling along aimlessly in the streets and people
shunning me or feeling deeply sorry wanting to help but afraid too---why say
this it keeps you on the ledge of the edge like a suicide who is trying to
make his mind to jump, here I go planning it again--- will I be healthy, end up
in a wheelchair and maybe none of this will happen and something unexpected
will turn up if you jump---so do it and do it NOW .
SHACK
 |
| Ignationsolidarity.net |
 |
| YOU TUBE when you jump there maybe no 'I' so does it matter? ( SHACK) |
No comments:
Post a Comment