Is there a meaning to life
to anything? A Zen saying ‘the moment you think it is gone’ one might say what
was there and what has gone and the space in between what is that, that
infinitesimal space of seemingly minute nothingness, the quantum vacuum so full
and empty at the same time, the no mind full of yes, that awful loneliness of
repetitive thought dragging one away from the nothingness of bliss and even
bliss slips through the ever grasping mind and fingers of tangled thought.
Who are you, who am I? Perhaps
a fleeting shadow on and in life’s apparent solidarity to be disappointed by
masters and scientists who say that perceived reality is only a dream conjured
by brain washed concepts turned into beliefs and made solid because the mind
wants to be concrete and fixed, secure and nailed down to solid foundations.
The disappointment that
atoms are 99.99% and really 10%of fuck all and that even the remaining bit of that
.99% is not known and its all waves and frequencies multi and single dimensions
and yet here I stand seemingly solid and unconnected and the base an illusion
built up of thoughts, concepts and beliefs even if I believe in the 10% of fuck
all.
Who am I if the ‘I’ is
just a conglomeration of fleeting nuances, shadows that dance in the night,
monsters of fear that lurk deep down in the unconscious, subconscious, pre
conscious, no conscious crap and definitions the psychologists and
meta physicians, psychiatrists, counsellors, academics and the host of wise
gurus and masters claim the know how the experiences of life and their inner
meaning really mean.
What if there is no
meaning?; that life is just a dream cast upon the screen of the empty naked
bare mind and one realises this and yet cannot live in that seemingly empty
void, exposed and naked, vulnerable and cold and psychologically cannot take
this and there in no alternative. What if
one has had a terrible and abusive childhood and horrendous fears felt in the
womb, born from an addictive set of parents or mother alone, these silent
unexplained fears never fully understood, just unexplained haunting feelings
that came from seemingly nowhere and disappear in a ‘joint’ a drug medical
opioid or so called illegal or recreational usage, sex, fantasies, obsessive
fantasies that lead to crazed perverted massacres and self harm, black satanic
stuff, sadomasochism, compulsive
behaviours and alcoholism and so running away from that monster blackness of
depression, isolation and loneliness and yet the blackness of the black hole the swirling hole ever wanting to consume one
in its saliva dripping jaws and one running ever running from it and never
after many incarnations and in suicide and death it is there still stalking and
lurking for wherever there is
consciousness and mind the collective baggage, the CD’s and DVD’s the memory
sticks travel with one in the wave quanta packets in this multi dimensional
Cosmic Universe and the 99.99% space becomes the basket and container of the
shit and crap carried over, the refuse
not cleared from the mind colon and the rectum full of painful
haemorrhoids that remind one for fuck’s sake wake up and stop running or forever
not sit comfortably again.
On my travels I have seen
lonely people in cold empty rooms, dirty and unhappy, sick and wishing to die,
some sitting in all night cafes over a cup of tea that last hours, not wanting
to go home for the barren walls that mirror and remind them of their existence
and why me and who is this me. The endless switching between radio or TV
channels, the must have music or TV or Radio on the running from stillness and
silence and if switched off panic boredom run from it get distracted, then
lonely seekers who hid in fake credentials telling stories of their heroics of and
falsities go get the approval and love they never got or experienced and
without this out let and false identity they feel who am I without it?
So all of this is
loneliness, bereft from the self of the real self, not the adopted illusion
that beliefs are repetitive thoughts bound together as concepts and reinforced
by a frail sense of security, the Doctors White coat of Authority, the
Policeman’s Uniform and badge, the soldier’s rifle and kit, the priest’s robes,
the academics proud ego and so on. All this temporary and whilst the illusion
lasts it seems so natural and real and then death, illness, retirement and then
a hole, then seeking a hobby, a bingo club or settling for loneliness and
eventually fading into a sort of
oblivion, maybe senility and a stupefying drugged up old age home if you cannot
afford an upmarket one, and in the shoddy ones I have visited the carer’s who
fear they end up like their residents end up in some cases abusing and even
killing them because they see what they could end up like and hate that part of
themselves and repress it at first but after
a while of not owning it is their perception of the seemingly
hopelessness of these dear folk, that the pressure builds up and says to the
tortured mind ‘get rid of them, they are a waste of space, what life have they
got, I’ll do them a favour and end their miserable existence and send them to
their peace’. Even with mass killing or abuse it does not go away until one
realises that this is my dread and fear and I have pushed it away and like a
boomerang it returns until one grasps it and takes responsibility to explore
the matter often with skilled help.
Running away for the brain
washing of oneself and a quote ‘every thing you know is wrong’ and then looking
at this it may become clear; it may arise in one’s reflection, musing,
ruminations and perambulation’s that perhaps the solutions maybe to explore
that empty 99.99% and that 10% and that .99% and realise that empty vacuum void
quantum vibe nothingness the dripping jaw saliva monster just might swallow me up,
the me that I found to be just concepts and thoughts that can be in millions of
combinations, cultures, religions, philosophical and scientific riddles and
conjectures and then dive, explore, stay with the fear of being drowned in nothing
but ones own mind, the fear of madness if one does dive and become free the
world might think you are mad, because you will not subscribe to their
illusions and concepts and you may upset them so much that they will be the
stalkers and not the black hole of seeming depression, isolation and suicide,
self harm and deprecation.
Diving into or gradually
peeling away the layers of duping by brain washing or at the time if
inculcating probably by naivety one may discover that loneliness was the
fugitive and outlaw always running away from one’s true nature and the stalker
was indeed the real self calling one back to join what was always there and
that false illusions are not real and indeed when one finds this out and
realises no matter how solid my mind beliefs were there was always a doubt deep
down and I covered it up, I buried it with more beliefs and concepts to allay
the fear of being found out and that all I believed was false or rather short
lived and could be shifted and configured to many other illusions depending on
what one suited or gave me more
security.
On going through the black
hole of 'I' come through the tunnel and fuddle of illusion to the singularity
which is me and I am not a singularity in loneliness and deception I am a
singularity which is the ocean of something else, this is an experience which is
personal and leads to the impersonal, from the local enclosed mind to the non
local open mind and that is something else.
SHACK
