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| Heaven Now 'It is in the mirror of relationships we find our self'' J. Krishnamurti |
Yesterday evening which was 19th May 2020 during this is now becoming an odious pandemic lock down and in an unusual heatwave and drought, four residents including me sat in the lovely garden. One of the residents had the radio blaring and they were drinking wine. One of the them was a visitor and younger than the other three and every boastful and aggressive and he challenged me as to why I did not drink, I made an excuse that it was a health issue and it was not conducive to my medication.
I felt comfortable at this excuse and it irked me, what right has he to challenge me, after all I am far superior and so on and at the same time feeling threatened. This morning I realised what it was that irked me and other incidents like this; I do not like to have justify myself, this is what I feel and stand by and should not have to deny it and make excuses for my opinion or stance even if it upsets the other person or person's. I would have liked to have responded by saying ' I prefer not to drink' 'or I do not enjoy drinking alcohol or some such reply' which is true' perhaps a very rare glass of wine now and then.
I was born free and over the years I have acquired the way I am and have an unalienable right to be who I am and should not be afraid to own it.
This fear of not owning who I am is due to the belief that I do not fit into the world's accepted mass opinions of manliness, success testosterone image and that I can be conceived as soft, cowardly, gay or just a wimp or wanker. However I must be true to myself I am neither of those but do feel the lack of confidence with these above mind sets of manliness.
This lesson and these guys who I liked a lot and felt a conviviality with taught me to be who I am without shame or justification.
In that same day I had a cramping stitching back ache and difficulty getting up from chairs and stooping along with the fact that my head is badly dropping forward and the double chin with a sort of hump type posture that elderly people develop and I realise my strength and stamina are waning, I am having to come to terms with my age and again this is a lesson to be kind and gentle with myself, not to judge others and myself for our frailties and idiosyncrasies.
I felt comfortable at this excuse and it irked me, what right has he to challenge me, after all I am far superior and so on and at the same time feeling threatened. This morning I realised what it was that irked me and other incidents like this; I do not like to have justify myself, this is what I feel and stand by and should not have to deny it and make excuses for my opinion or stance even if it upsets the other person or person's. I would have liked to have responded by saying ' I prefer not to drink' 'or I do not enjoy drinking alcohol or some such reply' which is true' perhaps a very rare glass of wine now and then.
I was born free and over the years I have acquired the way I am and have an unalienable right to be who I am and should not be afraid to own it.
This fear of not owning who I am is due to the belief that I do not fit into the world's accepted mass opinions of manliness, success testosterone image and that I can be conceived as soft, cowardly, gay or just a wimp or wanker. However I must be true to myself I am neither of those but do feel the lack of confidence with these above mind sets of manliness.
This lesson and these guys who I liked a lot and felt a conviviality with taught me to be who I am without shame or justification.
In that same day I had a cramping stitching back ache and difficulty getting up from chairs and stooping along with the fact that my head is badly dropping forward and the double chin with a sort of hump type posture that elderly people develop and I realise my strength and stamina are waning, I am having to come to terms with my age and again this is a lesson to be kind and gentle with myself, not to judge others and myself for our frailties and idiosyncrasies.
SHACK
'We are each others teachers and we teach that what we need to learn' Anonymous
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