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I often berate myself or the ego or something that intrudes in my quiet mind and goes into fantasies, mind movies and is often called the monkey mind.
The consternation I feel is that I set myself a goal of attaining the quiet mind without suppression and feel with all the self growth and meditation I should be more efficient and be in stillness more often---I realise now 'I have let myself down' 'this image of the still quiet undisturbed hero of calm and actually quite pompous and feeling I am above the noisy and uncouth, a very arrogant snob and yet feeling the opposite when in this mode' and so the conflict between the feeling and the action.
This particular morning which is bright and sunny and getting up late after a tormented yesterday evening 15th January 2022 of pain and anxiety and going to bed very late actually 0200 hrs and so this morning before the Full Moon (which according to Steve Judd is a stinker) on Monday 17th January 2022 ( I usually feel the Moon New and Full two or three days before and after in some way) I had a typical scenario of confrontation fantasy; Its always run on similar circumstances, I pick this one and it could be anyone of many with different circumstances but the same modes operandi.
The image at the top is apt; I am in the communal laundry and rough cockney man comes and say 'Oi you watcha doing in ere' 'I say washing its my turn on the rota' 'I am in charge of this ere place' ' I say that's not what my agreement says' 'Fuck your agreement, get yourself out or I'll let you have this one as you are new' 'I will come and go as I please and stick to the rota' --he aims a punch at me and of course I am the big hero, the martial arts man and ex military type and take him down' there then follows afters and so on, this works out in other fantasies I meet bullies and characters of authority and so on. I am victim of their authority and I take it down with violence as they are often first to make a fight with me.
This morning it did not irk me so much but brought about an insight; this character is me, I am the one who wants things perfect, neat, tidy and of course the undisturbed quiet mind, I want my routines and 'rota' I am the belligerent man, I the ego is in charge, how dare you Geoff go out against my discipline, my image, you are threatening my brain washed inculcated image, you are compensating for your weakness, frailty and facing up to life, especially as you are feeling your age. Its OK not to be perfect, maybe there is no such thing in human form and Earthly sojourn, after all you have said Geoff so many times Everything in the Universe that has form is impermanent it is born , lives and dies and is recycled. There is no death as such. The empty atom.
Of course I knew of these things intellectually and this morning this went deeper if you will than the intellect there was a shift somewhere within my psyche.
This goes deeper into other aspects; I like to my exercises precisely, do my routines routinely, I kid myself when I have a day off so to speak, that's OK, yet I know and have spoken about 'the routines should not be ones security as it is the known and when a calamity occurs panic ensues, NOW if you have the quiet mind, a naturally composed mind, like I my image demands you will always cope' This can go into my joints and so on; got to hold on tight, not let go, what happens when I am outside my known security routine, who can I trust then, Yet when in a real emergency as SHACK 1067 I am if you like by the fear, HAVE to let go. KrishnaMurti gives this; A man trapped in a fire several stories up high goes to the window and looks down, the heat drives him outside the window, he holds the gutter, the fireman have a jump blanket and say jump, he cannot, the gutter gets hot and he out of desperation lets go. I surmise fire walking maybe the same.
My images are so habitual that I felt they were natural. This again showed me how tricky this path and self delusion can be---so now I view these fantasies and some mind chatter especially as they arise spontaneously not so much an annoyance and irritation as a prompt lessons brought up by the intelligence to be teachers and the fact they often repeat themselves in disguise and masked and cloaked shows that I have not learnt the lesson or rather the lesson is understood intellectually but has not reached an intuitive deeper level or a radical shift.
SHACK
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