SHACK 3003 OLD BUT NEW

Wallpaper Art

At times I have this feeling, so ancient, so primordial, so domineering and yet not so aggressive as to be disconcerting.

It is deep and yet so tantalising as to become a feature to be investigated not by mind logic but to follow it, allow it, surrender to it. 

I feel in the quietness of myself a falling into an endless pit, an abyss of blackness and it is not frightening or depressing and I feel that this black hole is beckoning me on. I feel this is where the Universe spat us out, birthed us.

It is the Universes and my origin, where my spirit, my essence and my soul has an invisible tether and this tether is not restrictive and gives way when there is a need or impulse, however the link is always there and cannot be severed.

This black deep abyss sucks me back and it is an assuring and comforting feeling and I yearn to be consumed, drowned in this. This is not a depressing or suicidal feeling, it is as if my very soul senses its origin in the depths of the fount of the Universe.

It is the vestiges of my inculcated ego that tentatively clings to its brainwashed erroneously constructed mislead ideas and concepts which I took for real as the magicians sleight of erotic hand bewitched and bedazzled me. Oh naïve son of man, haste thou not heard of the seduced senses taking the impermanence and rust and decay of mortal flesh and its accoutrements, the entangled world of human paraphernalia as to be real, solid and reality?

Psychology Today

I feel from my NDE I fell from the light and hit the Earth and now falling into the darkness of the Abyss I will meet the light as the tunnel and darkness of the birthing canal comes to an end when I disappear as an identity and join the collective which is a oneness and no named identity of form and is the Ancient Origin which the soul seeks and wishes and has longing deep within itself.

THE UGE TO RETURN HOME.  

 

SHACK

SHACK 3002 THE MONK THE MOUNTAIN THE CABIN

Ryokan

 There are these anecdotes of Zen Monks that have intuitive insights which are so profound that their 'brain and former concepts' are so shaken up that they are advised or feel to go into the woods or mountains and construct a simple hut and bring in food and wood for fire and some books to read during the long winter months.

There is one experience and experience that has always 'hit the mark' with me. ' The monk lives in the hut and come winter the birds fly off to migrate, the trees drop their leaves, the frost and snows arrive. Then comes the Spring the birds return, the trees bud and the weather gets warmer and the Monks exclaims ---'All this and I did not do a thing to make it Happen'.

It is a miracle, it is just the natural world and Nature and that which guides nature in her cycles, that Tao (The Way" 道), a philosophical concept, the natural order of the Universe) I can sense it in a way, I cannot grasp it, it is beyond thought and even feeling and yet there it is all around me.

Expect a miracle; I go to sleep, my hair grows, my nails get longer and all the natural functions of the body organise themselves and if healthy flow in harmony and who looks after the body in sleep and coma? 

My intellect tells me and logic confirms there is an intelligence at work here, silent, informing and beyond logic as it were, that knowing and peace that goes beyond all human understanding.

Somehow I try in vain to feel and connect with this 'beyond' all understanding and I know I have felt this shake up years back in my late teens and several times in my early twenties and felt so in touch with the untouchable, yet doubt has crept in and the way of the world has hijacked and usurped my naked mind and somehow lured me into deception and materialism and the desire for that which is mortal, fleshly and impermanent, that which decays and the power to keep it always fresh and virgin. This I sense is why I did not want to come to world to feel this opposition of the dual yin and yang and to find that peace of the middle way. Life is the paradox of the Koan.

Yet even nature has the birth, life and decay and death, the trees and grass have old age as does nature, the Cheetah slows with age and gets stiff but it does it with grace and surrenders to the natural order, but I resist and fight the natural order.

BBC

Yes my skin crinkles, my joints ache and my sporting injuries now take their toll as my second vaccine injury has. Yet I find the more I resist this natural process 'my leaves like the leaves of a tree shrivel and slowly await the winter of my disappearance and demise' and fighting the Tao the natural order of things just prolongs the agony.

So what does old age and the hut mean; The Natural Order does take care of one and everything, fighting it is Human's downfall, straying away from the Tao and going the way of human ego that is to hoard, make acquisition of things which rust and decay, to Seek power and lust after wealth and materialism, which nature does not do, the fight to dominate, torture and deny freedom which nature provides will result in short term happiness and fear when nature takes its toll. True the rich Baron and Lord dies in relative comfort, health clinics, warmth, food, surgery and pain relief and yet nature will have Its way, the homeless and less unfortunate suffer and cry in vain.

  

AZ QUOTES

Christmas Humphries was not only a poet and book writer but a High Court Judge at the Old Bailey and was a Judoka at The Budokwai and was my first introduction to Judo and I had the honour to get my first dojo named by Koizumi Sensei as Shindokwai at the Budokwai. My NDE as I have said many times set the Quest in motion the Koan given by Sensei(not koizumi tore the roots out of the ego and the mind shift so apparent and significant and as Sensei said 'Now your troubles begin' I understand that now, I often pondered this. Going into work  into the world of electrician apprentice into building sites and houses seeing the electricians who were my mentors being unfaithful to their wives, my boss being money mad, our poverty and dear mother striving to keep us gong and so on, then my transference to Forensics and then 670 workshop presentations, 3000 patients in psychotherapy, travelling Europe, taking four individual years off as a sabbaticals, marriage and so on, led me to be exposed to healing, meditation, the horror of Forensics and the healing venues, I saw the extremes of Life and this caused a dichotomy and I wrestled with them and I could not say with certainty like Jesus 'Get behind me Satan' 'To Be in the world but not of it' Now by repeating the hut and mountain many times I realise I have to intuitively go in the middle way and realise the one Unit, the diamond with many facets.

I need to meditate and this is to me the middle way, not this, not that and to go to that shift and realise these years of seemingly 'lost' inner something or other was and is the paradox life is teaching me, to clear the dross of ego bombardment, not my logic but none resistance to its tense urge to conquer by any means the objects of its desire with absolutely no moral compass and beyond psychopathic, sociopathic inhuman and monstrous grip that assails the human ethos.

Indeed as my Sifu, Sensei emphasised the true spirt of the Martial Arts is 'Give Way in Order to Conquer' and to try to give a phonetic phrase 'Mura ni Waza' (Too much physical strength) when I was doing Randori (free practice) I was tense and words were shouted 'feel through relaxing' and the few times this happened the throws in Judo, the cuts in Kendo, the smooth flow came in Aikido, the bout in Kung Fu was effortless and the letting go in Meditation brought about the joy of not trying but letting the Tao take over as it is always there wherever there is?

So that which runs the Universe and keeps me alive in sleep or awake and gives Life to Planets,, Stars,, bacteria and whales that silent something if it is a something at all is that of miracles and !!!!!????###.

SHACK   

SHACK 3001 NOTION

listening Body

 I have this craziest notion, it seems deep and behind the buzz of every day 'normal' buzz of mind activity, it is a fleeting and sometimes on rare occasions lingering. It is a deep, deep whisper and the feeling lifts me and inspires me and certainly a big, big, smile.

So hear goes; I just cannot get ill or get infirm, this body is a gift from the stars and heaven. I cannot truly believe that God Almighty would send me this precious gift as a faulty model, this fleeting whisper feels when it arises is so adamant that it overpowers me. It is a certain and strong feeling of assurance.

From dear Eckart Tolle; You didn't create your body, nor are we able to control the body's functions. An Intelligence greater than the human mind is at work. It is the same mind that sustains all of nature.

You cannot get any closer to that intelligence than  by being aware of your own energy field-----by feeling the aliveness, the animating presence within your body. (when I first read this many years back I added for my own experience of it; tingling, breath, stillness, trust, surrender, listens, be still and fee, be present)

Sometimes when this  notion 'hits me' the whispering is so strong in feeling that after it subsides my doubting Thomas in me the ego gives me a right bollocking, you are crazy, mad, you are a frail stupid human, who do you think you are that God or spirit or some such notion is spiritual and true, you've been hijacked by some crazy new age or a fad.  

Yet I really wish and feel to 'hold on' to this feeling as I feel deep down this is the real truth of me and the Universe.

I have this lovely fantasy that somewhere beyond the stars buried deep within the Cosmos and Milky Way in particular (I love the photos of the Milky Way Arch, it fascinates me and somehow as in Genesis;I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. (Somehow this seems to relate to the Milky Way Arch).

This feeling seems so deep within me that it goes out of the mind and seems to be distant as the stars and in the depths of Cosmic Consciousness. The battle of my humanness, the material world which is one of constant change unless the mind inculcation holds it in frozen prison, is a world of impermanence, transitory, dreamlike and illusion and with my deep feeling of eternity, infiniteness, vastness, space and my spirit merging and feeling a great affinity --- Ohana; The concept of ʻohana involves creating loving relationships with more than just blood relatives. Embracing ohana means developing a sense of familial care and devotion to all members of the human family.

The general non-Hawaiian public primarily knows about ʻohana from movies or television shows. ʻOhana is closely associated with the concept of families providing support to each other. Traditionally, Native Hawaiians have had large extended families, with multiple generations staying close together.

One aspect of ʻohana means ensuring that no one in the family gets left behind. Growing ʻohana involves ensuring that everyone in the family has what they need to survive and live with joy. This sense of family includes not only the children but also the elders, who receive much respect.

I feel Ohana, a oneness beyond words and this feeling of total immunity in that crazy notion above is more than just physical and mental immunity it is that whatever and whenever my soul, my essence my spirit leaves this lovely gift body that notion goes with it.

Oh how I so dearly wish I could describe or convey the spirit of immunity and and eternal well being and human well being for as long as I in this body remain here on this blessed planet Earth.

SHACK 

SHACK 3000 FLOW

PINTEREST

 

WHEN MY TIME

 

HAS

 

COME TO GO

 

MY SPIRIT

 

WILL GENTLY

 

FLOW

 

SHACK

 

istock 

 

SHACK 2099 EMPTY ATOM AGAIN

ATOMIC STUDY

I have written a lot about brain washing and just before I go into a bit more I would submit the following exhibit;

Atomic Facts

From my previous writings about emptiness you may have gathered that true emptiness is consciousness which is intelligence of a Universal quality which is filtered down into the forms that Universe creates as in the first image above.

Atom Facts

So the essence of an atom comes from in my view from a 'space' a non location that is a location(good Koan) and is an intelligence aware of Itself, it is a being without form, it exists as we exist. Are you sure you exist.

Brain Break
    

So called solid objects are subject to frequencies they consist of. Emptiness has every possibility and probability and is primal intelligence. Humans cover the nature of themselves, the very essence and source by limited conjecture and plans which impede the flow of Universal Consciousness and awareness, it covers up who we are before inculcation.

So when scientists look through apparatus to solve the paradox of quantum phenomena they are looking at the essence of themselves and because the ego cannot deal with things without reasoning, understanding and logic THEY miss the very thing they are looking for by covering it up with theories and equations and mathematics, 'hey man I was OK until I discovered the nature I think of Atoms'.

This  is why we will not discover who we really are until we allow consciousness to be the prime director of ourselves. Nature leaves space for the information to flow through we humans clog up space with counter intuitive thought, we are too proud and arrogant to let nature upgrade us and in a constant hurry to dominate nature and others so we fill the atoms with knowledge and form cyborgs and monstrosities in an attempt to say 'hey nature take a hike, its time we moved on, after all I was told I am a miniature Universe, here's where I take over, after all look at the technology I have produced and is expanding, so what does it matter if I create my own stuff' 'Nature replies, go ahead and see where it gets you'  Mind you here I go gabbing off, I guess I should be still and listen to the empty space when thoughts subside naturally and I am not asleep or in a trance self hypnotised.

Be empty, be still and realise the Big Bang may have come out of the empty 'space' of consciousness and that emptiness is the space in which the Universe lets Its creation to expand in, including the junk we put into it.

SHACK

Atom Realisation

Everything in Life is Vibration” – Albert Einstein

Sound is also a vibration and so are thoughts. Everything that manifests itself in your life is there because it matches the vibration from your thoughts. Just because we don't understand something it doesn't mean it isn't true.

The Matrix

   So what is Reality then? (SHACK)

SHACK 2098 MADNESS?

Mind on Edge

 

MADNESS

 

TO

 

AMAZING NESS

 

SHACK

SHACK 2097 CONSTIPATED ENTANGLEMENT

tHE qUANTUM aTLAS

Quantum entanglement is a bizarre, counterintuitive phenomenon that explains how two subatomic particles can be intimately linked to each other even if separated by billions of light-years of space. Despite their vast separation, a change induced in one will affect the other.

Just as in the two slit experiment the observer comes in; 

It is said that it is possible that even many subatomic particles that are entangled they can be as is said the collapse of the wave by observation. How is this so as above video. There is no explanation given to the observer effect. There are attempts with theories and other experiments but every scientist I have come into contact with huffs and puffs and shows me elaborate theories, mathematics and copious diagrams and they say to me 'well we still don't actually know'

When I offer my explanation there are a number of angry retorts, scoffing and hasty retreats. I feel we live in a Universe of entanglement in which there is an aware conscious intelligence, an ocean of Being in which an AH HA from this all pervading consciousness had an insight and caused the 'BIG BANG'.

I feel that all atoms, particles are the building blocks of creation and all are made of Cosmic leggo or plasticine, the waves that arise out of this ocean are the various forms of creation, the underlying ocean endows all of its forms and each and every atom is an intelligent infused information and is informed by the field or ocean.

From File

In my view that empty space is the silent invisible intelligent informing information that endows the particles and atoms as to their purpose and function. That intelligence is the work of nature and evolution and that Intelligent Consciousness anent or an ocean or field as it were where all arises from the fountain of Life, the source of Life.

When scientists do these experiments they are artificially trying to examine the nature of the Universe which is the nature of themselves. They are looking at themselves through a microscope.

Suzanne Bell, an analytical chemist at West Virginia University, estimates that a 150-pound human body contains about 6.5 octillion (that's 6,500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) atoms. The vast majority of them are hydrogen (humans are almost entirely water, which comprises two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen).

That is a lot of empty spaces. Actually there is a lot of quantum activity going on in this space. When the atom bomb was set off on various islands in the pacific and destroyed most life forms after a while there appeared mutated forms.

Wikipedia has more on the above. However the contamination and the mutations to fish, birds were horrific and of course the people and there are other forms of pollution in certain areas of the world where the barrier reefs have ben damaged and so on and yet NATURE over the years restores the land and fish even if left alone.

To me NATURE and its Creator is the OBSERVER and anything out of alignment with nature will break nature down but the OBSERVER the Awareness will eventually restore itself to its evolutionary pattern and if pressed too hard will bring about disasters. Disasters come about in nature when there is interference with natural informative signals, be they chemical, electromagnetic, the planets, Moon and Sun, the natural cycles are disturbed like in the body when EMF waves are too strong for sensitive organic life and as a Native American Shaman told me 'if abuse on nature by humans will get fed up, nature with one cough and we are off'

In many cases where the greediness by humans have destroyed, mutilated and raped nature, left alone, mysteriously nature by itself has rehabilitated the land and wild life and plants with trees have appeared. I witnessed a road full of heavy traffic and a ecologist friend of mine said at this, a series of plants on this highway began to die off because of the fumes and so on, however they adapted and mutated after some deaths of the species. When the road was abandoned to make way for a sports center after a while the original form of the species returned. 

Nature will have her way be it thousands of years intervals, like the five extinctions;

From File

Silently the Intelligent Nature will sent forth updated forms through the process of evolution and it may seem a miracle as the first human forms came, then mammoths, Homo Sapiens from earlier models(not from primates) and now the new human if given a chance will arrive Homo energetica spiritulana luminous. We are awaiting now the 6th extinction. This time we could if we aligned to Nature within us lessen the natural cycle and there is one.

The present so called Reset talks about cyborgs, transhumanism, technocracy, eugenics and changing the food supply to GMO foods and climate change through technology BUT HEED the Shamans warning, go to far and Nature will collapse the waves that interfere with her evolutionary process, NATURE IS THE OBSERVER EFFECT AND WOE BETIDE them even to us who have that Natural Observer in us and every atom in the entire Universe. 

In my opinion we should seek this Natural Observer in us. This is the awareness of the Witness self when we are aware of our awareness, we watch as the world passes us each day and realise nothing is immortal all is impermanent, transitory like trying to hold an ice cube in your hand and stop it melting. But when the ice melts and is gone just recognise that you are hear for a short while and just like the ice all will melt and go so be of good cheer and find that self that is you and know the Universe has given each and every one of us a gift---free will. We may have been brain washed and inculcated from early years but now we have choice WHICH is being stolen from us by certain elite persons who wish to give you THEIR GENETIC MANIPULATIONS and not Natures. God will not decide your genes and evolution and what comes to Earth, the gene editor scientist will -----if you let them.

SHACK 

  

SHACK 2096 INSIGHTS

Time is relative to its reference

I look at pigeons and trees and grass and smile, I feel their essence their beauty, the marvel and miracle. They maybe are not aware of their grace, movement, beauty that is what they offer me as a reminder of their essence which is the same as mine. There is this exchange; I obtain the feeling of my essence which is love, wonder, childish delight, as though seen and experienced for the first time without compartmentalising, thought and analysing. Just unadulterated love which is me as it were and they become aware of their beauty and essence. Our exchange; I obtain a oneness and feeling of my essence and they become self aware of themselves as the beauty and essence that they are. We are all one. One Life, one essence.  

This leads to my inner narrative and fantasies which seems to me to approve of myself with the things and facets of the world which are impermanent and fade, it is an unsatisfied ego wish fulfilment and lures me away from presence and my no thought calmness because it feels it is losing my approval and attention.

The little child in me seems to have failed in worldly and material success and so tries to give the ego the small child, the frustrated adult emotional buzzes of achievement by its imaginative repertoire as an emotional reward for seen as failures and so gives the ego an identity and reward by a virtual mind movie and so gets its food of emotional love and approval. This is an attempt to reward myself for failure and for those who love my mind and keen intellect and narration. Why didn't they love me for me not for what they get out of me by ego stuff?

To me the real reward is that which is behind or beneath thought or that seamless endless deep calm an all pervading energy field of awareness and being. I am in essence a potential, I am born out the 'BIG BANG'  or that consciousness before the BIG BANG came forth from, the spatial womb of creation that is the nameless endless sea that is the oneness we all came from and are joined too, from the sea of creation each and every wave is a form, the endless planets and stars all arise and sink back to the sea of creation and like at particle level in the quantum realm constantly on the move as it were and exchanging information, these energy exchanges are in constant change and motivation and they are constantly updating and reconfiguring and as minute as they are they send their energetic updates as silent information, silent to us humans but over the aeons, the hundred of billions of years these are natures updates known as evolution and to us humans seems slow, however from the Cosmic Mind it has already happened and it brought forth at human time or self aware time and maybe time is just another impermanent transitory element or facet in the history of the Universe.

After all when in dreamtime events happen with full sentience and relative no time at all.  What is time in the Cosmic Mind and is a mind only to be recognised by its content and maybe the content and the space between content is called time, remove the the content then one is in primordial seamless seemingly space which has no definition and is possibly the fountain the sea of being which is aware of itself as existing without definition or explanation.  

The moment one attempts to define this sea of being, this awareness only aware of itself, one is back in the realm of thought which covered and defeated the arsing of awareness and is back in local mind and is the carpet covering the bare floorboards beneath and limited by human thought and its vain computations. When all the planets and stars and creation are gone in analogy to the furniture in the room or the content in the mind, the room is left with space, I then ask what is creation left with?

SHACK       

SHACK 2095 REALLY EMPTY?

                                                                                                                  The Minds Journal 

A room with furniture, wall pictures, flowers vases, bookcases and so forth these represent in this analogy the inculcations and brain washed and life experiences filed away in somewhere in space and this space is then ring fenced to which it is likened to an entity, a sovereign place indeed a sort of territory and as such it feels unique and develops its own rules, policies and deep surveillance, either it feels strong or weak never the less in either state it has its defence, attacks, ploys to garner its own rewards.

The 'space' thereof  becomes a self conscious awareness based on the accumulation in this coral, this fenced off containment and as such is to all and effect a deeply ingrained set of reflexes and reactions whether violent, calm or just full of pretence. This entity may have a name given at birth or changed to embellish or enhance or more suited for the entity and for the purposes of this article the 'ego'.

Most thoughts are the results of early childhood inculcation and modified by life experiences but usually contain the 'stains and encrustations and deeper impacted indelible etchings which by repeated inculcation get to form layers and strata which become so hard and fast they become one's rock fast reality'. The complexity especially if the early childhood was subject to trauma and the contrast of wealth, love and protection have their pluses and minuses. These shape the personality, character and the synaptic interactions with the 'rain and waterfall of neuropeptides'. To unravel the skein to reach pure unadulterated awareness as of MUSHIN cannot be reached by thought and logic alone. 'We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.' Einstein. Indeed I feel that thinking cannot get to the 'bottom' in this case Mushin because thought is what covers and layers the 'no mind, emptiness'. As KrishnaMurti said 'One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end'.

In a way the brain washing produces in many cases, replicas and one may wake up as often said to realise I was and am a replica, I have been taught to be who I am and this awakening is the start of the quest to find out WHO AM I. So as Einstein says above to reach WHO AM I and to do it through logic and intellect alone can give us intellectual answers and understanding BUT HOWEVER we can only deduce a thought filled answer and it may cause an intellectual AH HA but it is still in the realm of thinking and therefore at best a summary of the cause as to why cannot I reach empty mind as it were.

However if we were to watch our ego at work, to be able to stand back and watch without judgement the mind at work without bias, that is attention without intention, witnessing without bias, then we could see or intuit the nature of the mind. The ego will not like this and try to get judgement and wily ploys like irritation when meditating, fear of madness, illness, because it senses its own stability and reality, it knows deep down it is a clone and just borrowed and brain washed ideas, in fact we are just an idea.

It takes courage to look at oneself or rather who one THOUGHT was oneself and realise we are brain washed and to just sit and watch thoughts and to see them arising from a nowhere place appear and disappear to another nowhere non physical space or void can be scary and one may come to realise these thoughts are ephemeral, transitory, fleeting, momentary, clouds scudding across the sky and these thoughts can be felt in the still watching witness as loud noises and feelings with emotions.

On recognising the seemingly 'emptiness' of these scudding clouds the realisation can awaken one to 'is this really me? How can I be these things, they seem so fragile and frail and have no real substance and yet they make me feel so many emotions, why is this so? Then we may realise they have been drilled into us from many sources, this is the brain washing, the inculcation and even more so these thoughts produce feelings, emotions and reactions that seem to automatic and spontaneous and my witness self becomes biased and washed away as the 'ego' senses itself as a scudding collective and has no real base but to have been a sheep, conned from early years by maybe well meaning altruistic or ruthless adults, I had no choice in the matter and now I am older and realise this it can cause a real dilemma and I have seen in patients, forensics and life in general this awakening can cause, some to run into distraction, depression, suicidal thoughts and indeed suicide, wild ego abandonment and distraction or go off grid and shun the world or get maniacal, paranoid or have to be sent to a safe place under supervision. 

Then one can realise what is this ringfenced box or container of brain washed stuff? It is like the furniture in the room. The room is actually just a space and that space by analogy is awareness. ACTUALLY there is a no such entity or being as mind, IT IS  the content of the space that  gives the erroneous concept of the mind, the mind is caused by the content, it robs one of the emptiness which the awareness is. 'Master I have a troubled mind, Then put this mind on a plate and I will cure it, I cannot do this, why not, well it seems its in my head, then what do you want to do, cut off your head, no sir, I just realised the mind is ---well sort of not real or has any substance, well good for you and get of rid of that last thought, how do I do that, don't ask me ask me, ask your troubled mind, oh master I am baffled, well that's the nature of the quest, make this your koan 'place the mind on the plate and bring it to me'

So actually there is no mind, it is the content of the mind through storing content and holding on too transitory stuff and wanting and desiring a safe place a solid reality, a hook in space to put you hat and coat on and the let down when one sees thoughts cannot do this----and finally one day perhaps another lifetime or many, one may surrender and realise there is no mind and there is only that which is when thought is not.

SHACK

無心/ MUGA 無我 (No Mind/ No

 

One does not have to only do the martial arts to find the essence(SHACK)

   

SHACK 2094 COMPLACENCY AND DREAM TIME

Pick the Brain

As more flashes of understanding arise this one has deep root significance. I became victim to my NDE story 'I did not want to come to this planet' There was and to a diminishing amount a dread and fear about this incarnation. This world to me has never been a safe place. 

OK, you can say I picked up the early childhood fears from parents and in the womb even plus the early cowardly meek and mild want to please everyone and earn my applause by being a 'nice charming guy' but from early on I had a sexual identity crisis, I definitely wanted to be a 'super hero' and then found my body and mind would not support this and then I felt the soft side and wondered should I have been better of as a female and a brief encounter with cross dressing proved that to be deeply stressful because neither male or female suited my mind and body. 

I then wrestled with androgyny and lately the 149 known definitions of defining one's sexuality none of then fitted at all. 'If made a king I am not elated and if a beggar I not deflated, I am not a Jew, a Christian, Atheist or any creed, ism or belief, for my way is different and has no definition' (from Hariprasadshastri) my sexuality does not exist in wordily terms.

In Earthily terms; I have described so many times how I feel I fit in or endeavour to; I say in the womb the embryo foetus feels vibrations, feelings but has no way of deciphering or understanding them. They are 'remembered' and imprinted in the nervous system in a sort of elementary genetic imprint. Then on birth the baby is given a sound and on this repetition of this sound and the gradual understanding in the brain that sound is recognised as in my case Geoff. I did not have a choice in that name or most of my inculcation that followed I was taught how I was to be with very little choice in religion, culture and so on. So I was to be in the world and not of it. Later on when I question the 'official narrative' I realised I was brain washed as most people are and very few go there own way. The problem is for those who choose to go their own way, the lust for power or depression of being lonely and strange and seeking to find who they really are can be tiresome and feeling lost and whats' wrong with me or I am the king of the castle and glorify in my extreme uniqueness.

I now realise I got complacent and felt the quest for 'enlightenment' through meditation and rituals of spiritual discipline would lead me to the exhaustion of the ego by Ah Ha's, or by peeling of the ego in meditation,then a series profundities hit me; MY NDE had two aspects, the fear of the incarnation to Earth and yet the light and love I witnessed and did not want to leave. This love that I have written about a lot, has saved me so many times and I realise something somewhere really loves me and it is not specifically Earthly or human, it is a Divine Light and calm and therefore not of the Earth but is everywhere and in everything and in humans when realised and felt, it is nothing to do with sex, gender, age or religion or any kind ism.

I realised it does have no definition and therefore no physical identity and so therefore I am feeling that is nearest to know myself sexually. There is this lurking latent feeling of this golden energy and to try and box it is pointless and leads back to hold ice from melting in the hand and drown ones own intrinsic divine inherent nature. I am that which has no definition or limits and is not human and yet can on occasions and especially when one surrenders to it can experience and feel it.

Then it struck me; my intuition, my silent awareness has been urging me to accept who I am and not of the world's aspirations, the worldly ideas and motives for material success and why day dreams and fantasies tantalise me, frustrate me because they never manifest, not only because I do not deserve them and I am victim, lack self confidence and so on but because my spirit knows that many of them are generations upon generation of inculcated brain washed ideas and have so penetrated into the depths of the human psyche that they seem solid and impenetrable and to appear as reality that the ego reaches to them. When one realises these are only thoughts that form beliefs and form a sequential horizontal chain and encircle and imprison the mind and indeed that coral, that enclosure becomes the mind and a mind is recognised by its content, take away the content and then there is awareness, consciousness without form, the 'state' or experience without thought, sleep trance or self hypnotic imposition. To describe this pointless to experience it is to feel it.

Then I see that my whole life up to this present time feels like a fantasy, a mere imaginative trance like empty memory slide show and that is what the world and most egos desire the delusion and the illusion of the magic world.

Remembering the  'KOAN' experience when the mind that was into the koan suddenly shut down spontaneously and the thoughts sounded so loud like a ghetto blaster (loud radio carried around about 40 years back) went totally dead and I felt a shift in perception so profound that I rushed out of the flat partially dressed and stared at by the public on the transport until I arrived breathless some one and half hours later at Sensei 's door to be greeted with 'sit down have a cup of tea now your troubles begin' Sensei was right, something shifted in my brain/ perception and I saw the futility of chasing dreams that so many cherish as a standard for success and approval and joining the club and the accepted norm.  

These were indeed the blocks of ice in the hand that everyone grasps only to seek more and more exotic ones and the more money paid for your esteem in the world and those less fortunate either felt second or third class citizens and so on. Then to realise everything is fugitive, impermanent, ephemeral, transient and the urge to find solid, real reality nigh impossible. So I realised that this dream is not only the dream of humanity but of the Universe and to wake up to the space the Universe is in and come out of is the same  as my incarnation and indeed the womb of my mother brings an analogy of space being the womb of the Universe, indeed the Tathagata

 That is why I could not commit to any Guru, Master, cult, religion or God. I had to feel the presence of the so called 'empty' mind and I realised that this had been and is the feeling that has stalked me all my life so far and to me it feels endless and empty and yet so full and beautiful, it is the silent calling of the soul back to the Universal soul it can only be felt as a joining of nothing to nothing and in that whatever it is nowhere is where it is ---what is it anyway?

SHACK

 

SHACK 2093 THE LEDGE

The Ledge

 One of the facets of the spiritual Quest to find out one's true nature is or Who Am I, who Am I before my choice at birth was taken away although with best intentions and my name with many other facets to arrive were decided by perhaps well meaning parents or foster parents or institutions and religions is that when one awakens to the fact that I am partially a cloned brain washed mind, genetically is nearer the true me to a certain extent and the startling AWAKENING REALISE  who is this blank space before I was inculcated.

 

mInD THEgAP

Mind The Gap

On the London underground or tube lines these notices appear so that you do not trip or fall between the carriage and the platform at different heights and so on, this to me is a crux and one of the major facets in the Spiritual Warrior's quest if taken in earnest.

For me I realised there is the sudden fall of the ledge as in the case of Eckhart Tolle albeit he suffered from depression and some other issues and by sitting in Zazen , meditation at home and from books and so on and perhaps through Tai chi Qi Gong, Yoga, chanting, some forms of prayer and so on, sudden shock even life challenging experiences, travelling to the Amazon with Shamanic practices and taking hallucinogenic drugs such as ayahuasca and others in earlier years such as done by; Timothy Francis Leary was an American psychologist and author known for his strong advocacy of psychedelic drugs. Evaluations of Leary are polarized, ranging from bold oracle to publicity hound. He was "a hero of American consciousness", according to Allen Ginsberg, and Tom Robbins called him a "brave neuronaut".  Also by books such as 'A separate Reality' by Carlos Castaneda, many of these followed some experiences or sought after enlightenments, satori, moksha, samadhi, presence and so on also sudden bursts of spontaneous kundalini. 

The shock of who am I and I am a clone and the staring blank oblivion at first perceived of 'when my brain washing is peeled away or seen spontaneously or by a dream, there can be a shock, I am a nobody, I have no reality, I realised my reality was a brain washed someone else's ideas or those that were passed down from generation to generation for perhaps thousands of years and have been so steeped into the human psyche that it was seen as sacred, immovable, solid, concretised and so firm as to be non questionable inalienable sacrosanct and even the state or God will punish one if even thought about not alone debated or questioned (very much like the 2022 /23 narratives of eugenics, transhumanism, technocracy, GMO and cyborgism) and the hippy  movements and travelling to India, the guru era all looking for an alternative reality and now to this culminating in a feeling of breaking out of old patterns of religious dogma, political domination and the feeling of wanting to rush away from the strong gravity of Earth so as the NASA, Musk go to the Moon, Mars free us from the chains of antiquity.

So the cabal,  the so called elitists, the various 'deep state operationists' no matter the so called West versus those of Russia and China and the BRICS formation either cling to their ideologies so vehemently that it nearly came to a nuclear confrontation and may still do so.

However there are similarities between the Spiritual Samurai as it were with their quest to break with their revealed brain washed self and the world of human logic and intellect the Egoistic selfish power greedy hedonistic self indulgent 'I want to rule the world and everything in it and to be like me and follow my dictates or you will be eliminated and to do this I will have you all under my surveillance and with the mark of my power on your forehead so to speak not the mark of the beast as of old  '666' but a electronic chip and digital passport, I alone will know all of you, you are mine and I am the dominatrix of  you all my dear digital children, I will have it all and you will own nothing and be happy with nothing'

The spiritual quest once pursued and through my forensics, workshop presentations with patients in therapy and my own life experiences and meditations led me to the shock of the emptiness of the peeling away of the brain washed self and what replaces the former perceived reality? A seemingly yawning oblivion, then the frantic panic of the ego, which was and is the brain washed data and collection bundle and the search for an identity as the GAP, the Emptiness, the known, the struggle to free the former perceived self and JUMP into this void, this is indeed utter madness, insane.  What JUMP INTO NOTHING? 

This is the ledge, the edge of the Mind and what is the mind, the mind is perceived as ring fenced, but what is it fenced by? A collection of experiences, memories, thoughts bundled together by a theme and and called beliefs. Modifying beliefs and wild fantasies and ideas, which produce a kind of mind dizziness, frantic pursuits of a webinar by some doctor or PH.D a fanciful name 'quantum healing', energy healing, colour healing, sacred mantra healing and KrishnaMurti saying' I give you a mantra coco cola say that enough times and you get lulled into a hypnotic state and you become dull inert and stupid and you think this is enlightenment'.

Then follows an attempt to solve the identity crisis after all as I am not brain washed anymore I have no identity and so WHO AM I  remains, I have now established I have no Identity can I live with this? Yes at first it is freeing and then the last vestiges of ego say, this absurd, crazy I am mad and so I can psychosomatically produce an illness, a disease, blame someone or condition and then go about curing nothing but making into something. Can I have the courage and guts to go beyond the mere intellectualisation and logic and explore the emptiness after all I have experienced it in meditation and at spontaneous occasions, yes but that is, well was it real or was it a mind ego trick, did the ego make this up to give me respite and little reward so I forget the quest and go back to the ego dictates?

The pressure begins in real earnest; solemn determination and 'I will I must' and I will kill the beast and get to nirvana, then the realisation that all this crap about satori, samadhi, enlightenment is also someone else's idea and the spiritual quest is just another deception. Then where do you go? I have explored the heights and depths of psychology, I have felt madness and suicidal thoughts, I have thought about jus being a nobody and normal whatever they are, just another set of ideas and thoughts, I have watched in meditation thoughts that come from nowhere and go to nowhere like scuttling surfing clouds in the sky and have no form or meaning other that the brain washed self gave them, I get physically dizzy and unstable as this self imposed Koan / paradoxical ( a paradoxical anecdote or riddle without a solution, used in Zen Buddhism to demonstrate the inadequacy of logical reasoning and provoke enlightenment.) Indeed Life Itself is a Koan. It was a Koan many years back  that 'rocked the boat' and made me a relatively brain washed sort of and partially content although the NDE at the age of four in 1942 sowed seeds.   

Now this dichotomy is feverish, it drives me to break all traditional imposed routines and disciplines in me, the me is getting foggy and misty, the fear of my known world is disappearing and I find myself getting past the madness of clinging vainly onto the 'gutter of a burning house' and the urge to jump because the flames are getting to the window and all I can see is a vast street below and death when I let go.  I feel mad and fear insanity and possibly I am senile and yet there is something in this being for the sake of discussion named me, a feeling it is OK to feel mad and insane? Because to feel mad and be aware of being mad leads me to I am not mad because if one were mad one would not be aware of it, my perceived or felt madness is healthy because it depicts the dichotomy between saneness so called which invariably is an agreement to what sanity and the norm is again  a set of ideologies acceptable to the general public at large.

Yet there is an inkling, a kind of invitation and a sort of tantalising inkling, an unclear whim, intuition it is OK to jump, however I seem to slide or dip my toe into the hot bath and its OK so far. As I fall out of the hundred floor building (the structure of my ego) I say well so far at the fortieth floor so good. After all in nowhere void there is no mind so where is the madness or anything else? So far there no answers or question , mainly uncertainties.

After all the structure is the content of my mind and mind is only known by the contents of the mind and the ring fence was constructed to contain the ego data or content and without the content the there is no ring fence and so no mind  Simple isn't it!!!? 

Only another mind concept would you say?

SHACK

Islamic Music Review