 |
| Pick the Brain |
As more flashes of understanding arise this one has deep root significance. I became victim to my NDE story 'I did not want to come to this planet' There was and to a diminishing amount a dread and fear about this incarnation. This world to me has never been a safe place.
OK, you can say I picked up the early childhood fears from parents and in the womb even plus the early cowardly meek and mild want to please everyone and earn my applause by being a 'nice charming guy' but from early on I had a sexual identity crisis, I definitely wanted to be a 'super hero' and then found my body and mind would not support this and then I felt the soft side and wondered should I have been better of as a female and a brief encounter with cross dressing proved that to be deeply stressful because neither male or female suited my mind and body.
I then wrestled with androgyny and lately the 149 known definitions of defining one's sexuality none of then fitted at all. 'If made a king I am not elated and if a beggar I not deflated, I am not a Jew, a Christian, Atheist or any creed, ism or belief, for my way is different and has no definition' (from Hariprasadshastri) my sexuality does not exist in wordily terms.
In Earthily terms; I have described so many times how I feel I fit in or endeavour to; I say in the womb the embryo foetus feels vibrations, feelings but has no way of deciphering or understanding them. They are 'remembered' and imprinted in the nervous system in a sort of elementary genetic imprint. Then on birth the baby is given a sound and on this repetition of this sound and the gradual understanding in the brain that sound is recognised as in my case Geoff. I did not have a choice in that name or most of my inculcation that followed I was taught how I was to be with very little choice in religion, culture and so on. So I was to be in the world and not of it. Later on when I question the 'official narrative' I realised I was brain washed as most people are and very few go there own way. The problem is for those who choose to go their own way, the lust for power or depression of being lonely and strange and seeking to find who they really are can be tiresome and feeling lost and whats' wrong with me or I am the king of the castle and glorify in my extreme uniqueness.
I now realise I got complacent and felt the quest for 'enlightenment' through meditation and rituals of spiritual discipline would lead me to the exhaustion of the ego by Ah Ha's, or by peeling of the ego in meditation,then a series profundities hit me; MY NDE had two aspects, the fear of the incarnation to Earth and yet the light and love I witnessed and did not want to leave. This love that I have written about a lot, has saved me so many times and I realise something somewhere really loves me and it is not specifically Earthly or human, it is a Divine Light and calm and therefore not of the Earth but is everywhere and in everything and in humans when realised and felt, it is nothing to do with sex, gender, age or religion or any kind ism.
I realised it does have no definition and therefore no physical identity and so therefore I am feeling that is nearest to know myself sexually. There is this lurking latent feeling of this golden energy and to try and box it is pointless and leads back to hold ice from melting in the hand and drown ones own intrinsic divine inherent nature. I am that which has no definition or limits and is not human and yet can on occasions and especially when one surrenders to it can experience and feel it.
Then it struck me; my intuition, my silent awareness has been urging me to accept who I am and not of the world's aspirations, the worldly ideas and motives for material success and why day dreams and fantasies tantalise me, frustrate me because they never manifest, not only because I do not deserve them and I am victim, lack self confidence and so on but because my spirit knows that many of them are generations upon generation of inculcated brain washed ideas and have so penetrated into the depths of the human psyche that they seem solid and impenetrable and to appear as reality that the ego reaches to them. When one realises these are only thoughts that form beliefs and form a sequential horizontal chain and encircle and imprison the mind and indeed that coral, that enclosure becomes the mind and a mind is recognised by its content, take away the content and then there is awareness, consciousness without form, the 'state' or experience without thought, sleep trance or self hypnotic imposition. To describe this pointless to experience it is to feel it.
Then I see that my whole life up to this present time feels like a fantasy, a mere imaginative trance like empty memory slide show and that is what the world and most egos desire the delusion and the illusion of the magic world.
Remembering the 'KOAN' experience when the mind that was into the koan suddenly shut down spontaneously and the thoughts sounded so loud like a ghetto blaster (loud radio carried around about 40 years back) went totally dead and I felt a shift in perception so profound that I rushed out of the flat partially dressed and stared at by the public on the transport until I arrived breathless some one and half hours later at Sensei 's door to be greeted with 'sit down have a cup of tea now your troubles begin' Sensei was right, something shifted in my brain/ perception and I saw the futility of chasing dreams that so many cherish as a standard for success and approval and joining the club and the accepted norm.
These were indeed the blocks of ice in the hand that everyone grasps only to seek more and more exotic ones and the more money paid for your esteem in the world and those less fortunate either felt second or third class citizens and so on. Then to realise everything is fugitive, impermanent, ephemeral, transient and the urge to find solid, real reality nigh impossible. So I realised that this dream is not only the dream of humanity but of the Universe and to wake up to the space the Universe is in and come out of is the same as my incarnation and indeed the womb of my mother brings an analogy of space being the womb of the Universe, indeed the Tathagata
That is why I could not commit to any Guru, Master, cult, religion or God. I had to feel the presence of the so called 'empty' mind and I realised that this had been and is the feeling that has stalked me all my life so far and to me it feels endless and empty and yet so full and beautiful, it is the silent calling of the soul back to the Universal soul it can only be felt as a joining of nothing to nothing and in that whatever it is nowhere is where it is ---what is it anyway?
SHACK
No comments:
Post a Comment