SHACK 3088 LOVE PAIN

Emotive

The pain of love can be felt in several ways. I felt that when I fell in Love it was painful until I told my love about my love for her. When we got together the love was always simmering. 

When we parted, the pain seemed to sear and at times I could feel the loss of one side of my body as it were, where my love used to be in bed or when we were out.

Then I found I feel in love albeit briefly and wondered if the loss and did not want to feel the pain of another love lost and merely was frightened to commit. I went through some reasoning's; this love of the physical is seducing me and I let down my spiritual practices, I know all things end and impermanence is all in physical matters so why become so engrossed even besotted again, IF I get my emotional kicks and security from this love and person, I get my approval from her and become so attached that I am addicted and I lose some of my inner ability to find my own approval of myself, then am I shying away from natures reason to mate and love someone as I would love myself and many other reasonings?

Then through meditation and other life experiences I found that inner peace arising and that inner orgasm although not constantly but enough to sustain me between episodes of expanding sessions of deep meditative episodes.  

I then began to realise that the emotional highs of falling in love were mainly to please the ego; it is natural to fall in love,  I love the emotional feelings of love and then I have to have an object in order to get this feel, these emotions. A horror film, a touching dramatic love story video or news, a beautiful natural view, flowers and trees, a gorgeous naked or dressed female form, my erection, my masturbation, deep penetrative sex, even a fabulous meal and a monetary gain or loss, abundant day dreaming and fantasies the world of materialism in all its glamour and the promise of satisfaction and emotional highs and lows of Life. The Good Life and the American dream. The celebrity who falls or ends, the let down, the alcoholic when there is no liquor, the sexual predator who is jailed, the multi billionaire and sex fiend who preyed on youngsters when the object or emotional garbage is exposed and then they may not get their addictive source can go to self harm or suicide or deep depression. Some may ride the storm and come out in coping mechanisms that can ride out the rest of their lives.

Then for me not because of aging, the NDE, the Koan, the Empty Atom, all fuelled by deep insights of significant 'power and energy of a non physical nature and facilitated through a physical medium, the body 'the body as a portal and channel. The meditation at the back of it all, the awareness as witness to every emotional and meditative experience would present its own intuitive interpretation not in words but an instant knowing and recognition as if the brain was sidestepped and this was straight and direct understanding.   

From the Koan and the shift it caused somehow in consciousness or whatever a sort of 'dimming' of what was commonly accepted as the norm and the norm seemed to be shallow and mere veneer, the game of societal procedures, never got its full grip on me, I never felt  the full pain of love and yet suffered it and then the emotions seemed to give way to another another deeper emotion of bouts of serenity, deep bliss and contentment which came as grace and spasmodic meditative experience. 

I found emotions fading and compassion arising naturally without effort and an empathy for those chasing the 'norm' expectancy of the promised success of a material heaven or the dross of hopeless ambition thwarted by seemingly 'hard luck' or Gods got in for me. I saw them as my fading former self and wondered if I was living an ego pantomime of self deception yet the ever arising peace and contentment even through pain of physical disablement and diminishing fear and anxiety caused me to realise this was not self  deception but spiritual and evolution of my psyche to the soul.

SHACK