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Some mornings I get a deep sort of depression or
rather what’s the point? I've had an
amazing set of ‘outside in the world experiences' Like the celebrity buzz on retirement, I have
experienced boredom, no hobbies, not much money, no family to speak of and not
much of anything else, no friends locally and many people not understanding me
or me them.
Psychologists and therapists would say I am lonely,
a hermit, I do not bond well, I haven’t social skills. Some would say I am mentally in need of help.
Yet what brings me out of this temporary dip in
energy is the quest for the truth of who I am beyond the ‘dip’. I have realised relationships are fine to a
point, however when they break up or cease there is grief, withdrawal and mourning
and one is left alone again and repeats the ‘dip’ and can become a permanent
‘dip’. Depending on a hobby is not on
for me because if one becomes incapacitated then one is back searching for
something to ‘kill time’. Just
continually watching TV, browsing the net, must have the radio on, noise,
distraction and other things like anti depressants; alcohol and the like are
mere painting over the cracks and at best coping mechanisms.
The ego which is my beliefs which form habits and
routines demands that that I keep doing them and keep myself busy and
amused, my beliefs, habits which in turn become my identity and reality. This identity is shallow because they are
mere routines, habits and behavioural patterns and sequences and I realise are
not substantial or real and so boredom and what is the point, what is real and
what am I here for, and this is a direct threat to the box set of ego and so
the ego has to keep doing, working, fantasizing, mischief and it has to know it
is alive, thriving busy, thinking, scheming and being in charge and important
and so feeling pointless, what’s the use is a sore point with the ego.
The ego does not trust life, God or others; it is
very wary and suspects nearly everything and everyone or even itself. Why is
this because it knows deep down and in its core which is its identity of ‘I’
that it is not real in the sense of solid reality and it is but a set of ideas
and thoughts which can be scary and like the clouds be shifting and variable
and whatever fits or suits the day or feels safe and secure then is adopted and
becomes integrated to the life style and assumed reality.
The ego borrows and lends because it knows it is
not a real lasting entity that is why it is so powerful and on realising its
own flaws and frailty adding to the fact it will die one day and maybe painful
in the process so it asserts itself and wants mega power and god help those who
oppose my ego. Then there is the world
ego, the collective ego of countries, sciences, religion, cultures and politics
and other life styles with disaster if one dares to cross the line.
There is great danger that if the ego gets
trapped, cornered or depressed, down and low or it is bored, frightened and can
see no use for continuing and rather than surrender and like the scorpion
surrounded by fire it will self destruct and take others with it.
I can see how and because nothing is ‘going on’
and a solitary life and so on which the quest side of me loves but the ego may
say ‘well I will get ill. I’ll have a nice bleed or cook up a complaint, I do
not like going to my GP and hospital for tests and their recommendations and I
do not want my life to revolve around GP and hospital tests with appointments
and get trapped in the circus of medical madness so the ego ‘I’ can manifest
ailments just to have something ‘going on’, this is my life, and the ego
thrives on drama, history, my story and I will darn well have a past and the
future based on it.
However all the above writing about the ego
construct can give me a sort cold comfort and buzz; I feel it helping to
dismantle unhelpful patterns and habits more lovingly, although painful
reactions and trauma as the habits seem to have life of their own and seek to
re-establish themselves. This to my mind is better that suppression and denial.
The very fact that I write this out is a ‘sort of
self growth spiritual path’ and it points out the unreal reality of the entity
ego as just a bunch of thoughts which are flimsy to say the last.
To watch, write and to breathe through this and
reach the calm, peace and bliss shows the ego is not solid, or does the ego
fake this as well, however it feels that the ego is a phantom and even a
pantomime, a kind of theatrical version of reality. My dear body has to put up
with all this and I realise my ego demands are my mentors pointing to what not
is fitting to reality. It depicts what
is not real, not the real me, if there ever can be a real me based on thought and
belief and the down day shows the ego trying to assert itself and say without
me life is pointless, nothing doing just a sterile barren dessert and you
cannot live in bliss, you need the drama, the bliss for monks and esoteric-ism
freaks, crazy no mind seekers, running away from sex, relationships and living
in the real world, look at you, a worldly failure, little money, living in a
small flat, isolated no one who talks your language or your interests, no
friends only over the phone, emails, Skype, failed romances, a small time
healer and therapist, didn't get to the top in your work days---huh wake up
man, get a life.
Yet I see this and own it and from a worldly point
of view it is absolutely right, correct and a good assumption.
Perhaps I am one of many who feel I am not of this
world (and is this a cop out?) the businesses, the wars, politics, cultures,
sexual relationships, money, success, celebrity and maybe as a wise man said
‘to be in this world but not of it’.
Perhaps I am deluded, old fashioned, just another
game and ego rant, out of touch and fooling myself because of psychological
trauma from childhood and hurts, running away from life, an emotional coward
and afraid to take responsibility. Lazy
and not caring, selfish just wanting to tuck myself in a warm bed and be
looked after by my day dreams and then waking up realising the fantasies and
lethargy but an ego failing, the ego failing in its demands and achievements,
failing itself in its own plans and so facing itself in its own self defeat and
is on the edge and brink of extreme failure with wishing it to end and
certainly not surrender.
So weighing up the options; No I’ll go the way of
the world, no shame in that I can fulfil the worlds message which is ‘old
cranky age, arthritis and incontinence, senility, cancer, diabetes, obesity,
wheelchairs, many GP prescribed drugs and eventually just a zombie. This is
an observation and I am not saying this will not happen to me, I just see it
around every day, yet it doesn't necessarily mean it is and will be my reality.
Some of my neighbours tell me every day ‘I wish I
could die and I haven’t the courage to commit suicide, how long must I endure
be a smelly 'pissy' disgruntled 'farty' old bastard’ this is a very common world
view and the media, the high priest GP prescribing the miracle cure from
heaven, the great Big Pharma and in the UK The Sacred Church of the NHS. I am grateful for the NHS and yet at times
the way these rules go, no other form of ‘medicine’ is allowed and it is one
lifestyle and one way traffic.
Yes this is the way of all flesh; death and oh no
not reincarnation and go all through this again. Is there an alternative? Well physically
there is complimentary therapies if you can afford them, then there is
realising the ego trap by meditation, that is being aware in quietness and
alertness, being aware as a witness to the ‘down day’ watching the thoughts
outlined above, breathing and facing the thoughts of death and decay, old age
and not subscribing to any rigid formulae about it. To sit still and let the storm of
uncomfortable feelings, thoughts and emotions surge and try and not lose the
awareness and take over, do not push them away or encourage them, watch the
crafty furtive seduction and fear try to drag you back to the pit of despair,
let the storm rage, do not meet it with force, this will only enrage and
enforce it, neither give way, just let it be, and maybe when it blows itself out
and it temporarily lets go of the trying to be dominant and ‘big chief’ you may
prefer the peace.
There is a trap, the ego may let go because it is
exhausted and whilst giving itself a rest produces bliss and one may be tricked
into thinking and feeling, ah yes enlightenment, the ego will put you off of the
scent especially when you near its lair.
There is something beyond bliss of the ego, the bliss of grace and
beyond that you will have to experience it for yourself. That which is Itself by
Itself.
SHACK
