I
often ask myself what is trust, faith or belief. I do not consider myself to be trusting in a
deity or at the most when I feel lost, fearful and unwell and I say ‘please God
help me’ and forget God when all is well.
Then
there is the guilt thing; if I only ask God when I am troubled or bothered, that
is using God and not believing, I want all the help yet do nothing for it and this is hypocritical and selfish.
Then
should I be reminding myself all day that I am constantly thinking of God so as
to not use him and be a demanding child and then feel if I do not thank God
constantly I will go to hell when I die or have misfortune follow me in this life
and maybe those to follow.
Surrender
to God or in mindfulness let me be more specific; if I surrender to God and it
is not natural then I am back into the ‘must be vigilant and must pray and be in
constant gratitude’ a sort of grovelling weak dotard. Then if in my self
growth, meditative Buddhist mode I let in spurious thoughts and emotional crap,
then I miss enlightenment and suffer the karmic wheel of the pain pleasure
roundabout.
So
this torment of guilt and punishing myself for should I be more grateful,
surrender, be more holy, pious have these programmes and goals of what a
spiritual, religious, saintly or full of humbug self scripted agenda of what a
saint, enlightened seer, god person or angelic guru be like and should I
worship this way or that way, have a master, pray to a deity and if I am not
mindful will this result in me be cast aside, thrown on the compost heap, return
in many incarnations to finally be whatever my image and agenda dictates.
Yet
when the mind is at rest there are no doubts, there are hardly any thoughts or
any dichotomy’s, there is this sense of peace of love and instead of trying to
surrender and be mindful this small ’I’ this small tributary has floundered and
found the Ocean and all dualities, doubts and surrendering are melted in this
Ocean of Bliss and life is as life should be----a flow of gratitude without
strain.
SHACK
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