I have seen in many movies and had the feeling and emotions that approaching a lady or fancying a lady that I feel intimidated and that I might be rejected and an affront to my manhood.
I have stammered when declaring my love for her and frightened to the core and when I blurted out 'look I don't want to lose you and what I am about to say may do this' 'she replies well spit it out then' 'I say, you know, I really like you and I am developing really deep feelings and I am bursting to say I love you' 'she says; well I love you too and I want to be with you'. 'I am so relived and say to her; I didn't think anyone as gorgeous as you could love me, I didn't dare ask you before and have felt like this for some time and was going to go away somewhere as I thought you might not like me that much' 'she say; I have felt the same and wondered why you ignored me, its OK now'.
Why should I have felt not worthy; some deep message from my early years and I have identified many in these writings certainly contributed to this and the opposite of being cocky and brash was never my forte, I tended to be timidly and cowardly unless aroused to anger or injustice and my sense of arousal at injustice stems from being a victim and feel that why me, what has life and God got on me as I understand it God is a loving forgiving being, so either he has a downer on me or I have gummed up the works.
Well from the above I have felt that God does not have downer on me and it is my early upbringing and inculcated brain washing but more than that the vibrations and frequencies that makes up the 'atmosphere' the saying 'you could feel the tension in the room' it is the silent emotional frequencies / vibes that count and the body language and I can remember feeling awkward many times, shoulders hunching up, sweaty, wanting to run and could not, sulking and retiring into myself. My dearest mother with her nervous breakdowns and electrical shock treatment's, her depression and my father with his gambling problem and could not face life and his commitments with my brother hating what dad did to mum, him and myself and he ran away and so it left me with mum and her sorrow and she died of thymus cancer, I feel she had a broken heart.
I can see now with all that gunk in my system my dearest body holds the unfinished business in it, the early psychotherapy adages 'the body is a dumping ground, a dustbin for unfinished business' 'the body is a repository for emotional suppressed stuff' and not only causes unsightly body postures and appearances but also strange mental attitudes.
There is no doubt that the martial arts of Japan and China and the mentoring of Rina and Roy, Frank Nash one of my English teachers and Judo coach with Bill Wood and Sensei's and Sifu and the workshops I attended and my training in the therapies helped, but most of all long hours of meditation and the holosync tapes and the mentoring of Rory Lee at Centrepointe and the many workshops and one to one's I presented assisted me in seeing thousands of 'problems and issues' in patients and of course the horrors in Forensics and the murders, rapes, burglaries, child abductions and female and child abuse, the fights and broken lives and all of that exposed me to the inputs of; how strange the machinations, the connivances, the intrigues, the sheer denials and suppressed anger, the stored up hate over years, the urging for closure, the dread and fear of death, the suicides indeed the whole gamut of the human mind and its variances.
The synchronistic occurrences as to when I was processing some stuff a patient would arise with the same problem and I would through listening to them arise as to their assistance and mine. We are each others teachers and we teach that which we need to learn.
I realise that the conditioning through culture, religion, political indoctrination parental, peer, life experiences and the interpretations and configurations, the variations the immense juggling over the years and the nuances and slants, the marketing, the adverts, the seduction and preying on the natural mind, naked and bare in the womb but for some very IMPORTANT silent impressions to the babe in the womb and then born and with these mysterious impressions without any explanation and when a few years of age these are the foundation and feeling which are so deep in the memory that they are felt as 'me'.
Meditation portrayed to my awareness that there was this 'other' dimension way beyond thought and that there was another 'mind set of patterns' that intruded and were not me and indeed I 'picked' them up like stragglers upon the wayside and they needed and desired a home and domain and they saw a mind of awareness with no mind set in it and took possession and by seeming sound and reliable cemented their programmes in this seeming void. They became embedded and took root and in meditation I could hear them and survey them and kind of felt well they are just visitors on a temporary basis. This was the insidious thought planted in me, not as words but by subtle temptations of a glamorous and sensual package. By recognition of these programmes it cleared the clouds of dull following to gradual like a mist clearing to clarity.
Holosync which is a programme of binaural CD discs are the brainchild of the late Bill Harris at the Centrepointe Institute and they are really productive; they can and do over the eight or nine years of upgrading the discs expose the brain to stimulus and what meditation in deep peace does can make the brain as it were soporific and become static in the peace, almost trance like, it can be so peaceful that the brain 'remembers' the vibe and remains there, yes peaceful and safe, yet the underlying deep stored unfinished issues stored in the body and magnetic holographic fields in the auras around the body and this is where all the memories are stored and the brain acting as a switching centre that tunes in like a remote control, these the holosync accesses and the awareness gets sharpened and realises its stuck and fascinated by the stored data and begins to realise these are fleeting thoughts, just stuff with no real hold only glued and cemented by seduction and the patterns are not real and impermanent and so they strongly suggest that they are the real you / me and so the box set of these make an alliance and firm up and they then assume Geoff and this false me becomes the name of ego.
Then what is the emotional garbage in the stored body muscles, ligaments, organs and meridians and nervous system; if one looks into psychoneuroimmunology one sees that every thought produces a chemical in the brain or rather the brain produces these chemicals which are named the neuropeptide Cascade in which trillions flow throughout the body and they have cell receptors like that are like locks and the peptides are the key for particular locks and so the cells are conditioned by the thoughts.
So the thoughts condition the body and bias many natural function's. Many of the negative thoughts then produce acidic and harmful chemicals and are the harbingers and can over time bring illness and disease. Whilst meditation shows the path to peace there maybe negative and harmful thought patterns lodged in the aura which awareness and conscious presence can discern and say 'this is not me' whilst the muscles, organs and so on retain the negative chemicals and the nervous system with meridians are blocked and choked up with negative acidic sticky gunk. This is where Yoga, Tai chi, Qi Gong, Pilates, shaking, massage, deep Om and chakra sounds and various exercises that are not like weight lifting and aerobic( they have their place as mantra does ), this needs to shake out the negativity in the body, this where aquapuncture and the like come in and so on.
Then one realises that when all is clearing which is a process then the programmes are gone through the breaking with seduction of the ego striving to maintain a fierce relentless grip on its illusionary impermanent transitory software and agendas and it finally begins to see itself as dying and going down the slippery slope and the awareness begins to find itself through the clouds of delusion and the romance with the glamour and emotional highs and lows are not reality and on finding Itself, the awareness unites with Itself and this feels like the peace of meditation but with a dynamic, it is alive, energetic and the lack of confidence and frailty of those early inculcations have melted and one has found the love of one's life and that is self love, not arrogant ego bombastic or timid scared ego stuff, but a love for no reason and it just feels good and whole and there is no agenda in it and so compassion grows and ego agendas fade.
SHACK
There is a trade off so to speak; the ego can and does so very often decide who to love and that love can often be need. In a relationship when one says 'I've fallen in love with you can often turn out to be I've fallen in like with you, one may see the missing attributes in another and often relationships fail because when the need is fulfilled there is no need for the other to remain or they make a deal or compromise and many form open relationships and yet remain together because it is known and a suitable arrangement.
To those who have stripped most of the need out of their agenda, that is besides basic needs compassion has a non selective quality of love. I have felt and know people who have great compassion and when I am in this mode which I feel is the truer 'me' I seem to to be non selectable, of course food, travel and basics are selectable. I have been of late say the last fifteen years content to be alone but not lonely and very few things to occupy my mind, my sexual drive has diminished not because of age and my appreciation of the beauty in people goes through from babyhood to the elderly in both sexual definitions as there are now seventy-nine sexually defined persons according to their predilection.
I do not feel the need for companionship in intimacy although this does haunt me now and then and I am heterosexual and that means nothing and I do not feel androgynous, I feel more like a being in a compassionate mood not be labelled and compartmentalised.
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