SHACK 1000 FROZEN

Crossroads Christian Church

I remember driving back from presenting a workshop near the Warsash Naval Academy in a small Island separated from the mainland by a small bridge and by the a bank on the Solent and after the workshop and on that journey back home there was a dual carriageway and on a steep hill and doing about fifty miles per hour and dear ran out from the left hillside and I had to swerve and nearly hit it. For a brief moment it froze and I did and then the adrenalin kicked in. I also remember seeing videos of dear and rabbits frozen stiff by the head lights of vehicles.  

This is so relevant to episodes in my life and even in my senior years I am beginning to realise how much fear and insecurity I have in my body and transmitted from my mind set and experiences. It is considerably diminished yet my sensitivity, empathy and intuition especially at the time in 2020 and 2021 with this pandemic and it is a very harsh flu and the panic and fear engendered by the media and medical scientific crony technocracy, transhumanism, cyborg vaccination pharmaceutical oligarchs plutocracy with their dystopian and dictatorial dictates as lock downs, face masks, social distancing and really slicing humanity asunder and so causing abject fear and causing the 'norm' to evaporate and leave a chasm of 'emptiness' and many failing to cope with the suicides, suicidal tendencies, depression and so by inculcation a new norm is born, the so called reset.

However this freezing as if something horrible is about to descend and crunch me, the saboteur, the attack in the dark alley, the assailant who jumps out from behind the bush, the expectancy and almost a wish fulfilment, yes bring it on, I expect the worst to happen, my worst nightmare, of course what else is there, I need this as a reminder of my horror of childhood, the illness that silently stalks me, the rejection that rides at my shoulder, the humiliation because I am not up to standards, I'm different, so I will hide away and expect to freeze in anticipation and have a cast down hunched and tense body and wait till the guillotine or axe finishes me off and I get the attention of 'poor me' or from me in a fantasy or someone who takes pity on me and if there is no one then it reinforces my deep unconscious belief I am not good enough, brave enough, manly enough and if I try and be more upfront and out there and fail, then there is 'you see I told you you are a wanker, a waste of space'. However over the last eighteen years there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am not so eager to be easily manipulated by these unconscious urges and tendencies and what is more there is no need to fill the gap as it were with fantasy, illusions and distraction's.   

It as if the the freezing awaits something to appear, jump or slowly come to to do me in, envelope me, take me away as the headlights dim to darkness which seems to herald a menace of unimaginable terror and torture me and punish me for being such a wimp or failure, its almost as I wish to be punished for my iniquity, after I did not please my parents otherwise why did dad go away and gamble, what did he have that bugged him and passed to me, why did mum have such nerves and nervous breakdowns and took the burdens on her and eventually cancered her and my dear brother Woolf run to sexual exploits and run from home and even at home failed to help and neglect me and wake at late hours when he came home from god knows where and my friends and mates cheat me and let me down, what was wrong with me I must have been doing something wrong, after all I did not want to be born, I fought not to come back after my NDE and I knew the burdens and unfinished business and I came back to these events I just laid out were my karma and it s clear to me that at one time I thought I had a mission and through the workshops, meditation, teaching Judo and then Tai Chi, Qi Gong, Kendo and all, yes that was self teaching and the real mission was to overcome by realisation that all this is but a dream and clear up the emotional drag of human emotions like guilt, doubt, delusion, denial, duty and find out who I really am and that is slowly but surely becoming apparent.

And if there is no one then it reinforces my deep unconscious belief I am not good enough, brave enough, manly enough and if I try and be more upfront and out there and fail, then there is 'you see I told you you are a wanker, a waste of space. However over the last eighteen years there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am not so eager to be easily manipulated by these unconscious urges and tendencies and what is more there is no need to fill the gap as it were with fantasy, illusions and distraction's. Why a repeat of this paragraph, a computer hitch or an unconscious prompt to reinforce something?

It as if the the freezing awaits something to appear, jump or slowly come to to do me in, envelope me, take me away as the headlights dim to darkness which seems to herald a menace of unimaginable terror and torture me and punish me for being such a wimp or failure, its almost as I wish to be punished for my iniquity, after I did not please my parents otherwise why did dad go away and gamble, what did he have that bugged hi and passed to me, why did mum have such nerves and nervous breakdowns and took the burdens on her and eventually cancered her and my dear brother Woolf run to sexual exploits and run from hoe and even at home failed to help and neglect me and wake at late hours when he came home from god knows where and my friends and mates cheat me and let me down, what was wrong with me I must have been doing something wrong, after all I did not want to be born, I fought not to come back after my NDE and I knew the burdens and unfinished business I came back and these events I just laid out were my karma and it s clear to me that at one time I thought I had a mission and through the workshops, meditation, teaching Judo and then Tai Chi, Qi Gong, Kendo and all, yes that was self teaching and the real mission was to overcome by realisation that all this is but a dream and clear up the emotional drag of human emotions like guilt, doubt, delusion, denial, duty and find out who I really am and that is slowly but surely becoming apparent. The same repeat, how strange?

All the above feels like a dream and is distant and has lost a lot of human emotions and the lure of the world and its bounties fading and a deep evolving compassion is arising, I see the torment in many and in my past therapy and workshops with clients and patients and feel empathy for them as they tread the path of karma and its thorny rocky outcrops and with tender bare feet try to navigate to safer firmer ground and softly and tenderly walk the Earth with a smiling countenance and a compassionate demeaner.

SHACK