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| Susan David PH.D |
Shoulders hunched and neck hard down in the shoulder pouch constricting the throat this is an unconscious fear that I have noticed, eyes staring ahead or nervous glances to the side and I wary of going out or down stairs to the communal lounge.
The more I hunch I can feel the fear, the tight trapezius and constricted short breaths, the tightened abdomen and then shallow chest breathing and yet I do not consciously know what I am anxious about.
The tension forces me to stop relax and examine the fear which is just at this movement an ominous baleful kind of premonition and yet nothing tangible or as yet known.
It is just a sensation and a darkness that seems to stop the mind and paralyse the thinking and just trickles into the mix of an unknown unwarranted excursion and uninvited intrusion that fogs my awareness and panic or unease being the result.
Then stopping and observing the process and gradually releasing the shoulders then freeing the tight waist and abdomen and the dropping shoulders encourage a deeper breath suddenly I become aware that the tension 'trapped' the actual thoughts or understanding to my conscious mind, all the tension was a reaction to some sort of supressed event and dread which was triggered by some aroma, smell, sound, sensation or just its time for doing it or perhaps a routine action I have been doing for years and became a seemingly spontaneous natural act. However this was not.
I became aware of some of these 'unheard words like pictures in the mind, a mind video'; Be careful out there, its not safe, wrap up warm, try not to exert yourself you are weak and a coward, remember you are not as strong as other kids, they will always trick you and rob you, you do not realise how clever and wise, strong and clever and they are jealous of you, there are terrible painful things lurking in the shadows and will jump out and consume you, molest you and harm and make you a cripple you and many are just shadows that lurk and haunt me and so on the list is endless and also remember when you lose your temper you are powerful and have hurt and caused grief, so hold it down and realise you are a danger, All people are not nice and they want to lure you in and seduce you and trick you, so always be suspicious and on guard for the wolf in sheep's clothing.
Wow and that's just the half of it. These are some of the contents of the ego's and false reality. When I see this in terms of observing and letting the content spew forth and roll out I feel they are not so sinister and foreboding these perturbations are programmes and agendas that are the inculcations that were rhetorically drummed into me and reinforced by well meaning caring as they felt and thought parents and peers.
This is what and similar to the cold showering and the messages; wrap up, your mad, you'll get pneumonia, you'll get a death a cold, oh god this is insane and especially at your age and heart condition and so I have to face these things and really listen and observe for some of these observations may truly say 'no not yet or my body really says no', to be foolhardy is not the name of the game.
SHACK
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