Sometimes I stare or gaze without any particular thought or focus and then comes a sort wistful, pensive and slightly haunting melancholic recall of nothing particular. Then there comes the words from the ancient East perhaps the Buddha and certainly from the Quantum realm, everything is transient, passing by, ships that pass by in the night or morning mist without recognising fully that they were there and aware of their proximity or even themselves.
I feel regret for those things I never grasped and on reflection happy I didn't for I witnessed the possessive desire led in the end to disappointment and a poverish outcome. I feel everything fades, doesn't seem to have real substance, the rose petal so red, lush and enticing, seductive and alluring and caught by its scent, like the male lust for the open vagina and the promise of the passion and relief after the passion subsides into a blissful sleep of contentment for the moment, for all things of this nature and hoarded materialism down to the finest jewels, opulent, sumptuous cuisine, luxurious vehicles and exotic partners and animals all have this 'fading effect' on me, as if part of me wanted and desired them and another part of me sensed that at sometime past, maybe another incarnation, a timeline of yester yore, a nostalgic fantasy or whatever.
Like a drowning person or falling mountain climber stretching vainly for a hand hold to stop the fall into a pit of nothingness or oblivion with all sorts of imagined horrors and to live a life thereon of utter desolation, darkness, terror and loneliness with no way out of the terror of such imaginative thoughts and feelings, fading, fading like Autumnal leaves, the fading youth of their blossom, gradually changing hue like make up to restore youthful countenance and the realisation of the former glory and then the leaf falls to the ground to shrivel and die, without regret, perhaps the leaf can do it but can I?
The leaf goes onto become part of the compost and offers itself unconsciously to this end or the beginning of being a constituent, a part of an ingredient of some other form that perhaps The Great Spirit is aware of in the Great Mystery of recycling and ecological makeup. And yet me reluctantly fading and knowing this and knowing this intellectually and logically, still stretches for this elusive hand hold to halt the decline into what is perceives through the ego is possible extinction and yet knowing there is never such a thing in the Universe however the Ego cannot get its head around its own demise and yet knowing its awareness of itself although like all egos is vague and yet domination and out of that seeming vague collection of being inculcated and the ability to reconfigure and compute trillions upon trillions of strategies, manipulations of the pixels of the stored graphics of the conditioning and programming of the brain washed and indeed brain soaked and besotted with its beliefs, codes, ethics and modes operandi that it takes upon itself this adamant belief that it is this ultimate reality and at the same instant a pushed back fear of denial of 'I am not sure of the surety of my ego or perceived self as a guarantor of everlasting life, safety and the feeling of loving myself, a narcistic assurance that always seems to fall short of the gaol that it sets itself'.
As I type this I get an uncomfortable feeling; I feel I need to comfort myself as I have exposed a deep embedded piece of the inculcation, the narcistic instinct of narcissism, I suspect many of the fabulous wealthy and dominant power and lust eugenics and despotic persons were so drilled by their inculcators those that ruthlessly dominated their offspring or their wards to be like themselves and carry on the tradition and so on that they repressed and supressed their own buried emotions that they became who they were not.
However deep down in the undergrowth of the psyche, the unconscious and it has to have been unconscious otherwise this would have come to the surface long ago as it were and been recognised, owned and dealt with. Thereon a silent deep emotional scenario; a deep disquiet can be felt at times as a disturbing feeling of 'somethings not right here' and yet it is never recognised beyond a feeling, a feeling without content, a feeling of something is lurking in the undergrowth and is a threat to the false self ego which appears as real and solid. What is there beneath the feeling which seems so ominous, so daunting and yet at some time or event that may cause an awakening and then start a search in order to face this feeling and dive into its origin.
Until that awakening arises there is a cover up; there is a feeling of not being the real 'me' and so there is this lack of confidence, even to all, a confident, powerful being and so getting rewards through which ever way is commensurate to assure a feeling of being loved and self love and so narcissism.
As a therapist I have seen many times and in the mirror of my own lessons learnt from my work with people, I have often said that those sent to me at the clinic (never took money and did this after forensic employment I did get expenses if doing this abroad and away from public workshop presentations, I called this one to one's) 'that those that sought assistance with me were my teachers because their problem's often caused an awakening in me and that we teach that most which we need to learn'.
Many times this 'pricked' or pressed buttons in me and I felt uncomfortable, I would feel an emotional 'loneliness' a hole that the ego brainwashed beliefs and values could not fill, I wanted food and plenty of it, sex with my partner, masturbation tendencies, war movies and at times porn and then when I had awakened to a point meditation. At times when having a 'so called wonderful meditation of a warm glow' I would desperately try to keep this feeling or the ego would rebel as it felt usurped in its dominance and then the ego would push my mind, its mind to replicate and desire this image, anything that the 'real experience as it were would never take foothold of its or my perceived mind that I perceived as me, who I was and my reality'.
The stark reality of nostalgia that on looking back I feel it is and was a dream, yet the haunting memories of the scenarios fade as the autumn leaves die down and their colour fades and they fall to Earth and silently embrace their metamorphic transformation as in contrast the ego will fight to the 'nth degree' to cling and tighten its grasp, like the python and its coils ever tightening around the prey, squeezing the life out of the prey and to feed itself and be content and the ego likewise doing all it can for the renewal of life and keep the status quo a sort of homeostasis.
However the leaf surrenders itself , to the ego it must fight to the last, like the films of vengeance and dogged determination and see it through even if it kills me. And sometimes like the scorpion surrounded by fire will see there is no way out and surrender to another is not on and will commit suicide or cause a serious non curable illness or feel sorry and seem apathetic or even surrendering to a fate and getting its own narcistic emotion of ' oh poor me' the ego's cunning derived from self preservation is the masterful tactics learnt from life's experiences and inculcations, it becomes ultra street wise becoming any state of human evolution between royalty, highest priest, tycoon, hero and the lowest as seen and judged by humanity, the tramp, the alcoholic, the rapist, the murdering despot, the homeless, the poorest, the filthy and the despicable, those that love themselves in riches and being utmost depravity and all feeding of EMOTIONAL HIGHS and even the lows are preferable than peace and true tranquillity.
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