SHACK 4029 PRESENCE

Glory of The Presence

 Many occasions I  have been blessed by a calm, warm light and a joy beyond words or feelings and yet to fade and wonder where has it gone? I have had healings and comfort from these interludes and many have experienced the same and I know and feel deeply 'the kingdom of Heaven is Within' so why if the Presence of spirit only to me seems spasmodic and my deep seated inculcated programmes interrupts my ocean of calm and tranquillity and at times they besiege my mind like marauding thugs and gangsters.

In the past I have blamed God and said 'you are love why and where have you gone'? and my feeling is that blame is an excuse to not own that feeling and give it away so as not to deal with it because it is not only uncomfortable but scary and makes me feel vulnerable and frightened and as a therapist at the time I did not want to oscillate and vacillate and sort of be yoyoing and at the same time acknowledging life is not just one state of emotional, physical well being, there are crests of the waves and troughs as well.  

It seemed to me that the thoughts and intrusions were at the forefront of my mind so to speak and yet powerful as if the frontal lobes of my brain shuttled betwixt the two and the calm, graceful mind was a background event and surfaced spontaneously, I realised that what facilitated the rising of this was the 'background' awareness 'catching' a glimpse of the noisy chattering mind and on occasions realising the data therein was mindless repeated brain washed egoic data endeavouring to be centre stage stage and be the star of the drama of Life.

Then it came to me that I had a programme in me that was in the early days of childhood 'stuff' and in training to be a psychotherapist and counsellor, the so called 'not being loved, I was never physically abused but ignored by parents who were not loving in their relationship and wanted to love me but did not know how'. Many therapists would have dealt with this and their patients. So I sort love and approval from somewhere else, if it were not for Sensei / Sifu I would have been a real delinquent however their 'love' was training, meditation and strict moral code. I then went into the wide world and became a soccer student and failed, an electrician and then a Forensic technician, seriously ill and then took early retirement went back to Uni and got into Quantum stuff and had my breakthrough as many have read in back articles.

However there was a missing peace of the puzzle?;I asked spirit as it were, where do you go and I am at the mercy of an entity named ego whom I realises is just a programmed inculcated bunch of beliefs, agendas and so on. Do you not love me as you are supposed to be love?

The answer I partly felt and knew as I had asked this many times. 'Spirit seemed to say 'I did not create the Universe and beings to suffer, have you not felt that your lack of love from your incarnation and being ignored and you sought your approval from other things that rust and decay and left you feeling lonely and rejected so you became bereft of Life giving joy and abundance, BECAUSE you felt YOU WERE NOT WORTHY, it was the classic no one loves me, yes they love me for what I do and not what I am, SO my dear child you do not know what love is and you you do  love yourself and blame ME and others. 

Of course as a therapist, meditator and so on I realised this and in my intimate relationships I was told 'you are protecting yourself, we cannot feel who you are, there is a sort ivory tower you live in, you are living the Samurai code, you are not loving, yes you are caring but not loving.

I realised that I was a leader with all my workshops and other achievements and that I did care and yet this was not enough and with the now more occasional bouts of peace, healings and tranquillity, slowly and surely I was dismantling the scaffold, the net of conditioning and realising in full that which bound me. 

I felt a failure and many friends, family and colleagues, my wife and girlfriends said that I was brilliant and failed to be a success, I felt that something was missing, I felt touches of it, then it happened the demolition process of deep issues and the scaffold collapse. Two devastating illnesses lung cancer followed by prostate cancer, I refused chemotherapy and medical intervention and went the natural way and came through. I never did another workshop presentation (did 670 in all) stopped all clients, stopped teaching Qi Gong and for the last twenty four years lived in a relatively small flat and do only articles and see hardly anyone and I have spent this time doing 'nothing' and walking my talk and realised I have to find what that missing piece is.

Well that missing piece is this; I felt a Presence not the glow and grace as before but a sort 'of heavy weight on me, not oppressive, but just there, it was pleasant and it was silent and it was tangible to my feeling, it was as it seemed like the Sun, just there, always and in every direction, it felt a silent emanation, it said and did nothing, it was SIMPLY here, there and everywhere, it didn't need anything and felt eternal and Infinite, no words, JUST THERE, like the Sun shining forth and it did not need excuses, degrees, applause or indeed even acknowledging, it was there, no other words or adjectives could get anywhere near it, suddenly I realised the chatter had gone or if it were there it was OK, there was peace not a loving cuddly warm glow as before but a full soft Presence, it was unconditional, it was not personal, it was like the SUN just here and was not demanding, or judgemental, it didn't care what went on, it was just there, soft radiating light filling my being, yes there were intruding thoughts, like clouds passing by the Sun, somehow I felt it there no matter what, I was not thrilled, I was quiet and felt LOVED for the first time in my Life. I was loved in spite of my lewd thoughts, my earthly failings, my anger and my attempts at love and caring, no matter what like the Sun it WAS JUST THERE, a silent sort of pressure, the pressure of the PRESENCE, what is this presence I leave it to you to name it because I cannot. It defies definition and classification. IT IS JUST THERE!!!?'

SHACK aka GEOFF