Occasionally I get a warm glow that my time of passing is somehow ordained and I shall pass from this mortal coil not before but when the timing is right. Maybe my destiny is not in my hands or should I say in one way it is; should I go the way of the world in its debauchery, decadence, sybartism, epicureanism, hedonism and of la doice vita, then I plant the seeds of my fate by the former aspects of the life I chose either voluntary or by hereditary, cultural or peer pressure and of course being brain washed from an early age and set on tram lines fixed and no other way was offered.
However perhaps a jolt an awakening or some fortuitous event a series of synchronous events, seeming coincidental or perhaps by an invisible guiding hand, a benefactor, a sponsor, a patron then a switch may occur, this benefactor is invisible and yet seems to have chosen a path for me and heaven knows why for I see myself unworthy for such a blessing however my patron has other ideas.
So as I said occasionally I get this feeling I am looked after, not so much physically although some miracles have come about, yet it is the feeling of it's OK, it's fine, it really is a passing cloud and can pass in a nano second so to speak. Where this arises from and it's source may come from the indwelling Ghost in the Machine as alluded to in SHACK 758.
If this be the case that awareness as the Ghost in the Machine, the invisible host, God, or whatever name one desperately tries and frustratingly endeavours to define and so make visible and thereby tangible this benefactor so that human senses may hug and clasp this feeling as a form it would be so gratifying, yet if it were fleshly it would not live forever and have the fate of mortals. It can be that a relationship with another mortal can be joyous and fulfilling however on their or my departure there is sadness and loss.
However I am sad in a way that feeling of surety is fleeting and there can be a sadness at it's passing and yet there remains a vestige of hope and fondness.
I suppose faith is the word that is needed to cling onto that in darker moments one might reach out to the invisible warmth of the comforter and that feeling is given from the unknown as grace and a blessing and indeed in moments of dire need this has been so. I am ashamed to admit I get let down by myself as I sometimes doubt my patron and forget and even blame my invisible benefactor and then desperately apologise for my unceremonious display of displeasure and angst.
I then rebuke myself and often get down on my knees and say 'Father - Mother God forgive me for I do know what I do and yet somehow am not strong enough in trust and faith to lift myself up to you, I am not worthy of your grace and love', of course then comes in the fact 'well your only human' 'to err is human to forgive is divine' 'Well you had a lousy childhood and psychologically you lack self worth and confidence--what can expect' 'you didn't trust people and have been let down and yourself so often, so if you can't trust what you see and touch how do you expect to trust the invisible?' and so on and so forth.
Yet this is the saviour; by all the gross stuff as in my Forensics career and sad loneliness in the electrician apprentice and fully qualified 'sparks'' before Forensics, the massive workshop presentations, the endless one to one sessions with patients, the plane trips, rail journeys, driving seemingly endless miles, the years away from work travelling and staying at various places abroad in communities and so on and in isolation, the illnesses that nearly killed me, the relationships which faltered and in this often despairing, desperate journey and many happy fun and sexual encounters with pretty ladies, there was this deep yearning for this warm glow of love and grace from the unknown, it somehow drew me like a magnet like the call of the siren 'in Greek mythology, the Sirens were dangerous creatures, who lured nearby sailors with their ... When he heard their beautiful song, he ordered the sailors to untie him but they bound him tighter. When they had passed out of earshot' A haunting nuance of an ancient melody from before time begun. It seems my sponsor loves me despite my unworthiness to realise that my sponsor is divine and as such has reached beyond the foibles and pettiness of human behaviour and by the very fact my sponsor sends this warm shower of cherry blossom love warm glow, my sponsor reveals itself in its own unfathomably way and so be it.
Even beyond my doubts and distrust this ray of hope and upliftment arises and my wish to bask in this glow forever. Is it a mere mind trick stuff that my cunning ego manufactures to ensure its own future, this I can only say has a different feel and I feel in my gut and toes to head it is beyond the prison of the thought ridden conditioned mind and then the doubting Thomas says 'there is no after life, this is the brain and endorphins, mere hormonal secretions that come about when one is lonely or depressed and one psyches oneself up and yet with all of that I feel this comes spontaneously intuitively from beyond the realm of psychological, intellectual, biological and the primitive brains instinctual survival and there is not a shred of evidence to support this but my own experience a deep feeling of its authenticity.
SHACK
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