SHACK 920 HYPOCRITE

Saturate

Certain events in life precipitate lessons some pleasant and others not so. I am aware I am judgemental, hypocritical and selfish and yet I am generous, warm and loving and wear my heart on my sleeve at times, sometimes genuinely and at times for gains for love, applause, attention and to secure friendship.  

I cannot justify this and say well this is mostly the human lot, all I can say is I am aware of it whilst many are not. It is not easy to recognise these traits in human nature which I have always endeavoured to overcome, yes, overcome by pretending to be pious and a meditater a sort of workshop leader, psychotherapist, counsellor, instructor in Judo, Aikido, Kendo, meditation, Tia chi, Qigong, a scientist in Quantum Metaphysics, professing celibacy and yet having indulged in many sexual experiences and frowning on those of loose morals and possible envy of those who do indulge to the maximum.

I realise I hide behind my degrees, my assumed intellectual supremacy and yet to my credit I feel there is this loving me that I really applaud and the joy in the odd times of stillness and bliss. I am so glad recently that a lovely lady that I sort of counsel is beset by confusion and a 'victim' of her emotions which drive her into all sorts fits and starts of relationships and insecurity and vulnerability and highlighted the desire for her and when recently she slept with a man at work I was jealous and I am seeing me in her, how I envied this man.

In all the workshops I did, one to ones, counselling and friendships with women I did not have an illicit affair, it was only illicit by my own standards, I felt it was not professional and yet I yearned to cuddle and make love to these beautiful women and my 'professional and spiritual ' standards held me back, I have now realised that my lack of self confidence and cowardly nature was the cause otherwise I would have done what so many of the professionals did.

How can I possibly condemn and judge others when I would do the same if I felt confident to make a move, the reality is I do feel confident in myself, I do not think I am good looking, manly, sexually attractive to women although they admire my stories and adventures and my intellectual and scientific prowess. So I judge politicians who have affairs, the elite for their power mongering, the fanaticism of terrorists and yet I am fanatic in anger in my POST BLOGS, I am so sure I am right. Am I? 

This revelation really proves to me the subtly of the ego and the hidden agendas and mischievous concoctions and programmes it hatches up and they are the false fake me and it incessantly are at the nagging, interrupting, chattering sometimes audible enough to awaken my witness to Self and proclaim 'this is not me' and this god who would punish me for my iniquity and yet this self same god is my 'brain washed and concocted' ideas and experiences of my traumatic childhood and work place immorality I felt was hurtful in particular when I travelled away from home in my electrical apprenticeship and the married electricians had sex with many women and I felt this was immoral and cruel to their wives and I now see that I was defending my mum who suffered so much at my fathers negligence and gambling. Yet how I wished I could bring myself to go dancing with them and shag girls like they did and what did I do I went to weight lifting and body building and so on. I see my dad in me gambling and not wanting to take responsibility of a family, the sexual starvation and love between Mum and Dad and each highlighting the weakness in themselves and me feeling these inadequacies. I see this in my sister in law and her virginity prior to marriage and the weakness of my brother in eventually choosing a wife who would wait on him in a compromise marriage after so many 'illicit' affairs and so on, this of course is my weaknesses as well. 

Oh boy. Yet something to my credit with my 1967 writings and the cycles and so on, now scientists are coming forward with what I have found out all those years back. I will write this up in my POST BLOGS and transfer it here.

SHACK