 |
| HuffPost |
I yearn for the noise in my head, the incessant chatter and mind fantasy, the internal dialogue to cease, I yearn for the quiet as if I had been in battle a long while ago.
I have empathy when I see a broken romances, a parting because of war and disaster but most of all the noise of battle, the bombs, bullets more like swords, arrows, cannon and bitter hatred and murderous feeling to kill, the smell and stench of death and rotting flesh, gory and revolting, (interesting being in forensics)gouge, to mutilate, to wipe of the face of the Earth the enemy, the utter contempt for the life of the opposition.
The rage and anger at the foe and the hurt I saw of women and children, even those of the enemy, I loathed and bitterly hated seeing their husbands, boyfriends, young men torn asunder from their families and left bereft and begging, hungry, sad and bewildered, I spared as many as I could and tried not to burn everything in their villages at the risk of being found out and court marshalled. Even flashes of a Samurai and the hard code like the future military such as honour loyalty to some regiment, Royalty or war Lord.(I have never been in the military in this life but through Forensics there has been an association)
And now I feel the mental scars and hear those echoes in my mind and some fantasies play out, the voices of the long distant past play out and automatically and seemingly spontaneously intrude into my growing peace as if 'my ancient memory pain body is competing in order to finish off its unrequited love, some unfinished business, the karma that has followed me down the ages from many incarnations'.
I have no names or identities for these past incarnations just vague nebulous foggy shadows, the mists of time gone by and never fully lived and in great grief, sadness, loneliness, the person who is never accepted and found to be weird and distrusted.
It is as if my unfinished shadows of these times gone yore need to be worked out, they are clamouring to be recognised they need forgiveness and laid to rest and find peace, reconciliation and closure.
I feel this lays heavily on my chest and I to have to realise I carry the burdens of wrong doings that I see and feel today and that I am working out my karma which are the stains of horror and torture that I have done in past incarnations and the anger that fuels up even now at some injustice. I now realise in full that the rage at injustice about the elite, the bilderbergs, the illuminati, the technocrats, the eugenics is my guilt and seeking atonement and the pathos I feel it brings me to understand that those I blog about are none but myself sometime and somewhere.
So now recognising these intrusions, illusions and delusions that pierce the peaceful mind and charge in like some knight Errant and destroy by its noble quest that which is endeavouring to find peace and forgiveness.
So I question not to blame my parents and my past of yore for inculcation's which I go on about almost vehemently as if they are to blame for my unrest and futility to deal with it in closure and understanding.
In different births and so on I could have been the despots, the tyrants, the corrupt, the polluter's, the rapist, the sexual confused and so on, how dare I judge and criticise, what a hypocrite, for how else would I recognise the atrocities, the torture and the spoiling of nature if I had not done these, how often did I break my lovers, girlfriend, wife and children's heart and theirs mine, killed and buried, burnt and scarred, all of this intrudes in my mind and I blame them on 'I am a sensitive an empath', its technology used to brain wash me and so on' and these are but excuses to deny and expatiate as a means to run away from the horror of my subconscious.
So now I will see these intrusions in a new light, they are my personal and impersonal world populous from far distant memory that needs recognising and forgiving and forgiving without owning is not on, the more I can see this in the light of these shadows need to surface and see the light so that they can rest and have closure, the more of this will take away the world karma of the past, its like all who feel this take a straw and sip from the cup of bitterness and wrath and eventually clear the cup of bitterness and animosity.
I see all this now especially in 2020 as this virus comes to test and break or make humanity, this is the virus of the unhealthy minds and bodies accumulated over the millennia, the group karma and to be cleared by owning to the past and present wickedness, injustice and torment.
Love in the form of deep understanding and compassion and to be an empath without taking on the hurts and injuries of others but by knowing the feelings that one has is shared by the populous and as such one can reach out and they will know by the empathy that one has reached them in companionship and true understanding.
I now understand why in 1942 in my NDE I did not want to come to Earth and I blamed God and Mother Earth for my ill health, family dysfunctions anything than to face my back log of Karma and a harsh concrete world of distrustful people, not wanting to admit that I was and maybe have the very things that I despise in them that are in fact either active or dormant in me.
I am in this situation at near 82 years of age and when I look back I see I have had to face situations and experiences which 'prick and lance the boil' of my fortress of conditioned rotting festering rubbish that I have tightly put the lid on and is fermenting and the stench is now apparent in the world and myself. I have never let anyone in fully that is human or divine partly because I am a failure by world standards but because of the menace which the attic or basement of the past might reveal and act out and hurt someone or thing.
I am not ashamed to have revealed this and I have not revealed the actual details of the karma but they are as many as the world has and had, however in this incarnation I take on the role of healer, pious to the point of hypocrisy and now feeling not guilty I am able to let the shadows come out, the full purging as seen this year in the world, the Armageddon of the personal and impersonal with a chance of closure and redemption.
SHACK
No comments:
Post a Comment