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I have wrestled many times with automatic reactions and intrusive thoughts, some dream left overs and just clouds and sensations which breached the awareness and beset me with doubt, dread and forebodings. Much like the image above I felt useless and powerless and sometimes went to into distractions of a various nature, those that were powerful and overbearing mainly lewd and crude as these anesthetized the hurt and pain that the sensations evoked. I suppose alcohol and drugs could do similar things. I felt ragged and somewhat being dismembered, disjointed, wretched, grim and dark. Yet there was something else that nudged me to feel this is not me which often caused more consternation.
When I was a victim to these and I could say the classic childhood parental inheritance of a beautiful sensitive mother that became depressed, sad and lonely and then into severe depression and a father who just abandoned us for gambling in order to escape his misery and my dear brother who just ran away from conflict.
OK so poor me, it was through the introduction to meditation by my dear friends Rina and Roy Morris, Judo and my Sensei and later Sifu my love of Krishna Murti, Brother Mandus and friends like Gwen and George Murray various Gurus like Ramana Maharishi, Satya Sai Baba, various self growth teachers that I gradually realised the programmed brain washed me and something else, just outside my grasp. Yet I could not follow or join any movements, I felt at that time, the real me is not in an association, a person, a cult or some such thing, which made me feel alone and the pressure of others for me to be one of the clan so to speak, I could not even join in the Jewish faith I was born too or any other faith, I had a go at one or two others, I felt what I was looking for or sensed the freedom I wanted, which I now realise is the brain washed stuff as below. I was running from the conditioned me and I did not see or feel then, I do now.
This afforded me a choice, I was not always the victim of these dark ominous clouds that had this baleful effect on my mood and health and the nagging question of my NDE.
As this something beyond my grasp as above in last two paragraphs this could not be grasped and only realising by letting go and seeing the illusion of these thoughts as explained elsewhere in fact in the last shack but will go into again in the next paragraph.
On sitting still and letting go, relaxing and just enjoying an emptier mind of thought substance there comes a moment when somehow the awareness takes over and the absence of thought ensues; it is easy, no will is involved or attempt to bring about a result, somehow all is still, light calm and joyous and there is a feeling of connectiveness to the Universe and the Divine, there is no images or recognised bodily or human emotions, just a calm percolating easy flow. It is a complete surrender to 'emptiness--stillness--letting go-- letting go of what--preconditioned automatic habitual thought and responses.
So the odd thought that floats across the screen of awareness seems lost, out of context, has no meaning, a cloud that floats as it were from somewhere in my awareness to dissipate and evaporate and has no meaning. It has only meaning to the agendas and programmes and the conditioned mind caught in the net of brainwashed and inculcated mind. In this sense it seems that thoughts are a reaction to a programme base and ego algorithms set up to defend and attack its data bank, an unquestionable narrative (much like those who have this Covid-narrative-- no questions tolerated----a world leaders ego sociopathic narrative--- the ultimate reset to a new life---the ultimate one way street) I see this in myself until I feel the touch of the Divine. In history there has been the despot and the victim, in the Divine all share in this peace.
A weakness of mine is that I tend to be; A hypochondriac is someone who lives with the fear that they have a serious, but undiagnosed medical condition, even though diagnostic tests show there is nothing wrong with them. Hypochondriacs experience extreme anxiety from the bodily responses most people take for granted; however after typing the previous shack and this one a new perspective, I knew this intellectually yet my understanding which was as said intellectual went somewhere in my being to a 'deeper' level of feeling. Instead of berating my dear body and then feeling guilty and remorseful which I do I bless my body, but its like the horse has bolted and then shut the stable doors.
I realised that the feeling level not only felt in this case good, warm and inviting and nourishing it also somehow cleared a block in the energy system and brought a clearing, a space for light NOT another programme.
This was my dearest body informing me that the things I was ingesting and doing, the thoughts that were negative and had an effect on my very sensitive nervous system were detrimental to my health and being quiet and relaxing, pausing feeling and inward listening which to me is silent mind listening 'the still small voice in the wilderness whispering to my soul'. In the stillness there is a presence, I cannot describe or define it, to me, it is Divine, there is no thought and yet I can hear sound and voices of people if I meditate in a park or somewhere, there is recognition but no response to it, it is a knowing and does not need a doing or reaction or analysis. Because of this emptiness it feels immense, a warm safe vast expanse or a wilderness but a comfortable one.
Sometimes I get or receive not through normal as it were thinking reasoning ways or contemplating and ruminating, it feels like a voice if one can say that, a knowing and it is wise and comforting and sometimes just an explanation of something quite outside the box of my 'normal' box set of reasoning and knowledge. This to me is the still small voice, my soul is this Divine Space therein.
Now with this new perspective I can really appreciate and love my beautiful body that the Divine gave me and hopefully shed my 'mind passed down inheritance' from past lives and this life and like the image at the top be free of the puppet strings of the ego which I do not blame as this entity was taught to be who it is by inculcation and brainwashing extreme bombardment of culture, world issues, peer pressures and all else, dear ego then bound all this paraphernalia into a soft ware organic computer called the brain and with these downloads could and does millions and millions combinations, configurations, juxtaposed, sequences with colourful graphics and has the amazing ability to bring the senses and emotions to match its composition, it is miraculous and of course it has a self image of itself and then surrounds it with sentinels who determine the attack and defence tactics.
SHACK
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