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| AZ QUOTES |
"There is an indefinable mysterious power that pervades
everything, I feel it though I do not see it. It is this unseen power which makes itself felt and yet
defies all proof, because it is so unlike all that I perceive through my senses. It transcends the senses''. Mahatma Gandhi
I ponder over the above but more to the title of the article. OK to a subject I often go to in order to satisfy, contain or live with; who am I? What am I? When was I created before my parents had me? Why is there creation and who created it?
It is OK to a certain extent to quote Gandhi ji, yes I feel it BUT? I just cannot accept it as such and my intellectual mind wants to why and when and how. I have read that KrishnaMurti used to put on old clothes and lock himself in a room and writhe, wriggle, stretch and moan and tighten and relax. I feel like this when I wrestle with myself in so much as WHO is this self?
It goes like this; what is matter? atoms and particles formulated into some semblances that form nature and its inhabitants, humans being part of nature and probably not realising it and the Universe. Then the crazy thing arises; well if the atom is 99.99% empty and the remainder unknown of what it consists of and everything is impermanent who the hell am I? Am I just a speck of dust appearing in time and space, a temporary something or other exhibiting or apparently exhibiting a uniqueness among trillions of somethings and assuming I AM IMPORTANT and I have a unique fingerprint and IDENTITY.
From previous articles I have gone into length of this identity; we are born without an identity by inculcation and horrendous countless repetition's pounded with love of these stamps of authority hopefully with love and so I had no choice at that time and became a clone of my parents, thinking, culture and all else and indelibly, subliminally became trapped without consciously being aware of this process, which probably many go through with very little variance.
Then perhaps a shock, a realisation through study, in my case an early NDE, a Koan and then quantum stuff I began to question why this Jewish family or any religion, why war when we are going to die and all is impermanent, the Sun, Planets Stars come and go in a time table of years as a human and billions for the Stars and Planets and yet where is the purpose in this?
Maybe the purpose is as Gandhi says 'There is this indefinable Mysterious Power'. Yet like Krishnamurti I squirm in a sort of nervous restlessness in my bed before rising and a conflict arises; I am 83 yrs of age, I feel this body of mine, I desperately seek an identity and yet I know any concept, religious, philosophical witty, educated academic explanation, knowing we are all vibratory frequencies collated by WHOM and seemingly had no choice when my parents copulated and hey presto I popped out. Oh yes some say I made a pre life agreement somewhere in heaven, the afterlife or wherever and whatever, I reincarnated in order to expiate my wrong doings or find enlightenment. Yet these were all false identities but obviously like now very real or so it seems until I dig down to the empty atom and the empty identity. In reality as I have been brain washed and the Zen Master Shouts 'kiai' and says who were you before you were born, my take on this who were we before we were brain washed, conditioned and inculcated?
So I writhe; how can I live without an identity? What role model, what do I feel I identify with? I don't really know? Am I happy being a male, well yes I have a male body and yet it does not feel right somehow, would I be happier if I were a bisexual or female and cross dress, not really, so I feel sexless, yes in way. Do I want have six pack physique, yet I have a Buddha Belly and large man breasts, do I regret my past, I am now seeing having not had good relationships with men as mates, buddies or women or family I find myself a stranger in a strange land.
OK so some may feel reading this that I am unhappy depressed, perhaps having occasional suicidal thoughts that I wish to die and am unhappy with my lot so to speak?
That above is receding; how so?. I realise more in depth that perhaps the KrishnaMurti writhing that I do, was and is and maybe he felt the struggle to COME to terms without having a definite or even tenuous identity and indeed perhaps Jesus, Buddha and others may have gone through the same experiences to free themselves of the world which CLAMOURS FOR PERMANANCE and wants to live for ever for the emotional and physical delights and run away and deaden the sense that ONE DAY I will die, I will be a set of memories that were not really me although they seemed to be so tangible and I shirked and shrunk away at the thought of dying and I wanted to remain like this forever, so today 2022(article in typing February 6th 2022) there are some who want to marry human flesh and brain to a robotic (cyborgism) and so live forever not AI (Artificial Intelligence) for that has as yet no soul which to me is aware of Itself without programmes or identities, whereas AI is a set of algorithms and computer programmes and as yet some simulated human gestures and facial expressions but behind that no real emotion and the human has to recognise the expression and feel it for themselves, just like animals and babies do BUT they get the feel of the other human whereas the Robot just has the expression devoid of feeling which the human can find a dead cold 'feel'.
So I feel the writhing is about INCREDUALITY; I look at history, the trillions of lives in nature and of humans, the age of the Universe all coming and going as I will and have done and in particular RIGHT NOW I realise that my particular brain washed inculcation and if perhaps residues from past incarnations, the history of the collective unconscious HAVE an invisible energy, subtle and auric which my trillions of cells and energy magnetic auric fields have carry a very powerful subtle silent yet all pervading field of influence like fine mist, sea spray and rays of pervasive grains of dust in sunrays or heat from a hot tarmac road.
Lately I have changed my Qi Gong to a kind of shaking routine and it as if I matching the the above by shaking loose the accumulations in joints and auric fields 'some call this Shaking Tree Qi Gong'. There are many forms. I feel I am shaking loose a lot of subtle energetic 'cling on's'.
These haunt my being; these inculcations, brain washed conditionings are like a box set and I have described these at length in many an article. These form an 'artificial Intelligence' of an organic nature and form an ego life form that inhabits my brain an 'entity' named Geoff (SHACK) and Geoff struggles to FINALLY accept you are still hanging onto some remnants and this entity DOES NOT WANT TO FINALLY LET GO and so I squirm, wriggle, writhe as the feeling of Geoff the personality will have to die in order for me the awareness to be free (Freed a good surname?) to be JUST an awareness, I face what might seem boredom and emptiness and yet when I try to hugely stretch I feel like a snake shedding a skin, the crab its carapace, the butterfly from its chrysalis and after this stretching I sometimes feel clean and clear and light without thought and feel warm and whole and I suppose that 'indefinable Mysterious Power'
SHACK
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