SHACK 2060 DON'T KNOW

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Don't know, perhaps, expect? 

One of the traps or ploys of the mind regarding meditation or in fact life at large is that expectation can be a trap in so far as having a lovely experience and expecting and even seeking them and a awful experience and the dread of expecting a repeat and avoiding them so that both of theses expectations can absorb and play in the mind or on the mind as if in and on adequately describe the invisible yet sensed mind, the Zen Roshi says succinctly 'Put your mind on a plate and I will heal and cure it? 'The pathologist cuts the body and still cannot find the mind'.

However they say mind over matter, matter has particles atoms and molecules the mind has not, the pathologist says mind is an electrical phenomena caused by the fertilisation of the egg by sperm and dies with one on death, the spiritual say mind survives death in consciousness. All this is conjecture, however there is and are experiences which suggests that something somewhere is 'alive' and witnessing this either bound up in the experience and is one with it and one can distance oneself from the experience as a witness,  an  awareness to the experience.

I watch the TV and am caught up and am the film or whatever, the emotions, the dread the pathos and excited and do not realise I am the awareness or I stand back as it were and watch myself watching the TV.  

Coming now to meditation; having a wonderful experience or some other uplifting experience the mind will on many occasions expect or subtly wait or even try to manufacture a repeat, although I know that one should just sit and not expect, yet even saying 'I will just sit and not expect' sets of a 'behind the mind in the deep dark passages in the vaults in the unknown recesses of the consciousness' lurks a curious sentinel who will plant a miniscule seed and set of an expectation. And then the insidious ego will give just a touch, a mere whiff and this is enough to cause a distraction and hey presto I am in distraction or waiting for the beautiful 'no mind' warm glow that I feel the grace and I realise I have to go past that and carry on.

There is no static stationary glow, place, direction,there is no actual goal, there is no arriving at Satori this has to be one of the traps, satori and move on, Infiniteness, Eternity are not places they are part of the journey to 'nowhereland' and whatever unfolds in 'waking every day life' should be like free fall, a child waiting to be entertained and not necessarily the same old conjuring tricks and just to be delighted and in that way one is in the pathway so to speak to experience miracles and synchronicities. Trust in Life.

I do not know what life is, I experience it and yet it is as mysterious as the mind that is said to perceive it, so allow the mystery to unfold and realise that the mystery is the cause of life and that should be enough to allow the conjuror to just play the illusion and know it as an illusion but not be deluded by it.

SHACK 

 

SHACK 2059 SPACE?

 

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THERE IS NO SUCH THING 

AS SPACE

THE MIND CONTRIVES 

THE ILLUSION OF SPACE

IT CREATED SPACE

AS A MEANS TO 

PROJECT ITS CREATION IN

THIS IS THE GREAT

DELUSION 

OF 

REALITY

SHACK

SHACK 2058 REALLY

DEPOSITPHOTOS

I AM 

MYSELF

shack 

SHACK 2057 WAITING FOR

Twitter

 I AM 

MY OWN

MIRACLE

I am the one I have been waiting for

Expect a miracle I am that miracle

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Synchronicity is not coincidence it is the process of miracles.

I am the miracle of myself and I have no idea how I got here other than the miracle of human copulation and the very first human beings and where did they come from and the Universe for that fact?

sOUND cLOUD

Why wait for a miracle when we are that miracle, its just under our noses that is why we cannot see it or recognise it. Contemplate the very miracle that you and I are?

Do we have to wait for death to prove either way who we are or not?

SHACK

SHACK 2056 SOUVENIERS

Alamy

I got to musing and ruminating and have been going through a lazy sort of idylic sort of meandering when one of my intrusions to the peace was suddenly intruded by a long fantasy and the song of long ago came to mind;

 There's nothing left for me

Of days that used to be
They're just a memory
Among my souvenirs
Some letters sad and blue
A photograph or two
I see a rose from you
Among my souvenirs
A few more tokens rest
Within my treasure chest
And, though they do their best
To give me consolation,
I count them all apart
And, as the teardrops start,
I find a broken heart
Among my souvenirs
I count them all apart
And, as the teardrops start,
I find a broken heart
Among my souvenirs

I feel a sort of melancholy, not depression and it sort of resonates with the 'empty mind' Zen stuff. The world is in a mess right now that is August 2022 and two or three years before that in fact it took hold in 2012 and then some.

My souvenirs are in fantasies as they portray a brain washed ego lamenting over its failure to succeed in worldly success and materialism and its taste of the spiritual void so to speak and yet knowing these intervals of real grace and bliss and reluctantly lets go and slipping down the slippery slope to what it feels is abandonment and boredom and or the fiery pit of hell, or a mind so delusional that it gives way to one of the fantasies and goes mad or senile and yet is pulled back by the awareness of the One, the empty and unreal to the senses but really real to the Spirit.    

The Minds Journal

I found myself feeling- thinking that I was God frantically searching and sometimes poring over or sometimes nonchalantly gazing at the stars and galaxies and the life forms thereof and saying 'all this clutter' and yet so beautiful and these are my fantasies and souvenir's. Of course my ego is God to my mind stuff brain washed collection. So perhaps the ego has its own form of awareness perhaps an awareness of bias and judgement based on it input and import of collected experiences over many lifetimes.

Maybe many of these fantasies and day dreams of times gone by were unfinished business from a another incarnation and the chance now to see just as that, unfinished karma and they are to be seen as a chance to do forgiveness to the ego for the hurt it has caused others and itself. The ego is realising itself as an entity, a splinter of the pure awareness and is running through these scenarios as a way of expiating or releasing the emotional bonds, the bonds that tie and bind us to the past and the energy ego that feeds of off it. Perhaps the past was full of obsession, possession as it now to some extent and the sadness I now feel and the crying that comes across me is to feel compassion for those like me who are trapped in materialism and dictatorship and are overwhelmed by fear and repression not loved and not able to love, as love is frozen by fear. Arrogantly I know of some peace and bliss and yearn to share this with the oppressed and offer it as away out or at least relief and have compassion on those that cry out in the dark knight of the soul to reach out to the masses in some way and say'sit together and touch the heart' and hope to feel that peace that passes all understanding' and like me just a glance, a wink, a flash, a fleeting pass as like the wind wafting a flower scent and then gone, it gives hope that this is not the end and the only Life.

Britannica

Originally By Joseph Korma the music, in french lyrics  then in 1945 and later by Johnny Mercer. Jacques Prevert  wrote the lyrics and the 'Les Feuilles Morters' (dead leaves)

 There's nothing left for me

Of days that used to be
They're just a memory
Among my souvenirs
Some letters sad and blue
A photograph or two
I see a rose from you
Among my souvenirs
A few more tokens rest
Within my treasure chest
And, though they do their best
To give me consolation,
I count them all apart
And, as the teardrops start,
I find a broken heart
Among my souvenirs
I count them all apart
And, as the teardrops start,
I find a broken heart
Among my souvenirs

This is a story of an old man so it is said and realising he is old and regrets his age and fond romantic memories. I wrote a heart rending in SHACK 21 and SHACK 144 which seemed to echo the liberation from the past and go into the now and embrace the space that the past had vacated and just let life unfold. God knows there is the same old stars, galaxies, life forms and the same old, same old and perhaps God has taken Its own advice and rest in the silence and get to know who it is. Great Spirit, God Almighty I ask you that I ask myself who were you before you started creation? Maybe it is a biggest mystery to you as it is to me and maybe infiniteness and eternity are there for there is no answer and our minds are and will be continually searching but without anxiety and letting the mysterious flows of life in all dimensions carry on with fun and wonder? The endless quest and search is the process of Eternity and infiniteness is the process of nothing.

SHACK

SHACK 2055 THE ONE AND ONLY

Good Play

 AT ONE 

WITH THE 

ONE  

SHACK

          

SHACK 2054 SEMI CIRCLE

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Whilst musing it came to me as 'God's love for me is a complete circle'yet mine is a semi circle, how so; From an ego or a limited local mind and my programming I felt that if I am giving loving, helpful and kind I would get approval or a reward of some sort, perhaps please God and get a front seat in heaven and appease my guilt at breaking some of the ten commandment's and the wrath of the Ancient Jewish God and that I did not deserve God's love, this was my half of the circle, the semi circle.

I could see here that a difficult childhood, not beaten or shouted at and it was a kind on non childhood. My parents at odds and a father who was a gambling addict, actually a kind man but like me weak of will and spirit. My mother beautiful and kind and deeply hurt by the love she never got from a kind but absent husband and she had severe depression and and anxiety and both parents had low self esteem and confidence, my father escaped through the distraction by gambling and my dearest mother by wallowing in the mire of self-deprecation and many nervous breakdowns.

Then not having really any Jewish or other education and coming near to my barmitzva I was sent to a Chasidic school with Hebrew education in the morning and secular education in the afternoon. I was living in Stamford Hill and Mother and Father tried to live again together in a big house in Filey Road in Stoke Newington  / Stamford Hill, they tried to let rooms and mother took responsibility for the lettings whilst dad gambled and tried his best to run a dyers and cleaners shop in Cazenov Road Stoke Newington, apparently they decided to wait until my barmitzva and then either stay or part.

The school named Yosdey Hatorah which I called Yesterday Tomorrow was a shamble. The Reba's not really Rabbis were fanatical; 

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     Many of the secular teachers were semi retired, some I suspect were thrown out of schools on suspicion of some sort of misdemeanours and the headmaster a crabby old alcoholic. However one of the teachers was F.A. W. Nash a Judo ka and very kind honest British gentleman who had a great influence on Judo and the Budokwai and the;Gunji Koizumi (小泉 軍治, Koizumi Gunji, 8 July 1885 – 15 April 1965), known affectionately by colleagues as G.K.,^[1][2] was a Japanese master of judo who introduced this martial art to the United Kingdom,^[3] and came to be known as the 'Father of British Judo.'^[4][5] He was the founder of the Budokwai, a pioneering Japanese martial arts society in England.^[2][6][7] Koizumi helped establish the British Judo Association,^[8] and founded the European Judo Union.^[2] He held the rank of 8th dan in judo.^[1] Koizumi's apparent suicide in 1965 shocked the worldwide judo community.^{[2]Courtesy WIKIPEDIA.}

^{He was known affectionally known as GK. He gave me the name of my first}

^{club I set up as ' Judokwai' he was my first Sensei, later another came by a}

pupil of Mionosuke Kawaishi and from the lineage below and was known as the Rakuwai Uyenishi Sensei my second Sensei. 

Gotō Zuigan (後藤 瑞巌, 1879–1965) was a Buddhist Rinzai Zen master^{[note 1]} the chief abbot of Myōshin-ji and Daitoku-ji temples,^[3] and a past president of Hanazono University of Kyoto, also known as "Rinzai University."^[4][not

Dear GK apparently committed suicide and through many Judoka I learnt and through my Sensei that GK was sad that Judo was to become an Olympic sport with weight groups and the 'spiritual side was neglected' GK died of a broken heart and I went over to Taiichi, Qigong and some Kung Fu and found my Sifu was the Great Grand Son of Zhang Enpu 63 lineage of Zhang Daoling 2nd Century CE. My Sifu was Sifu Zhang Chi.

My meditation and stories about Sensei and later Sifu are in back Shacks.  Coming back to the above circle; I was mixed up in early years between the harsh rules of the Chasid Torah and hell and damnation and the freedom of Zen as it were that it has split me into two camps as it were and the floating clouds of doubt and trust and the lack of any 'firm' role models left a vacuum and to some extent still does.

I have written about this in all 2000 and so back SHACKS to some extent. The half human circle was to give and be kind and get the approval or reward of approval which was I realise now a cheap imitation for love that I never got and hid my low esteem and lack of confidence and the second half circle was I didn't deserve love or approval, especially from God, after all I was ignored and not listened or had no say as a meek ill child and NDE and parents who had not love for themselves and a elder brother who hated our dad and loved and defended Mum and was hurt by Dad's lack of interest in the family. So I was a non as it were and my brother ten years older than me and he escaped through affairs and many so and being the manager of one of  a chain of Butlins's holiday camps and then settling as an accountant when his 'fling' days were over and settled for marrying a 'nice Jewish girl' and raising three children. I dearly loved my brother, Mother in later years the few times I saw Dad I felt a great love for him even in the absent years.

This morning shed more light in my burgeoning light and clarification; I have had some breakthroughs where peace, wholeness and oneness seemed to connect me with the source of myself and the Universe. I realised not so much in thoughts but feelings; The great Spirit, God Almighty, Life Itself, birthed me, brought me out of Itself as of the Universe, I am part of the Great All Of All, I am a Child of God, my real parent and as such all my past brain washing, inculcations, childhood, religious and dabbling in psychology and stuff was annulled and void, I realise my Cosmic parent really loves me, the stars and nature my family in essence and spirit, their spirit is my spirit and God loves me because God created me and has dominion over whether I live in this form or other forms, MY SPIRIT OR THE AWARENESS OF MYSELF will always be there because I am a Child of The Universe.

Now the Circle is complete; I love because I feel love, I do not expect approval as I feel love, not ego and praise for any achievements, in fact I have no achievements,human degrees or secular success fade and can be trampled upon, but love that has no reason, when I spontaneously smile at a bird, a tree, a laugh for nor reason that I feel whole and complete FOR NO  REASON, I then accept God loves me and I receive this love for no reason that LOVE LOVES. Love is a stand alone and complete in Itself. It is a full circle. The flow of give and receive as not polar opposites but as the complimentary Yin and Yang Of Life .

SHACK

SHACK 2053 SOUL THIRST

Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati

O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee:my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where there is no water. Psalm 63:1

(Ma Jay; as in image was a controversial person, however I liked the image to portray the article).

This morning of the 6th August 2022 is a warm and sunny morning and I felt out of sorts and restless and I was drawn to sit and be still and on reading the above from a calendar which I have had for many years.

As I was sitting just a for a few minutes I was drawn to type the article and for a few words that kept resounding in my head last night.    

The months of July and August so far have been without rain and many parts of the world have had fires and the land looks and feels parched and dry. I feel like this as well; my joints ache as if they want water and I am thirsty and yet not dehydrated, I feel the wars and geopolitics and all the virus scares and vaccines and so on are driving the nervous systems of the populace to distraction with more suicides, depression and general terrible horrendous crimes. In some ways I feel for Mother Earth and in some ways I am emotionally shot through when the Women won the European cup, victories in net ball and hockey and the feminine energy is needed in all ways to counter the male dominance, not so much in the outer world but the inner psyche. Terrible crimes against children and woman make me feel awful and I feel to want to save them and yet I know not how.

In traditional terms the Yin energy is dark, cool, mysterious and nourishing, I feel my body needs more Yin not emotionally but to counter the strong Yang and heat. When I sit and that has been restless and be in the quiet and that is disturbed by my mind chatter and an urge to jump up and do, this takes away my energy mentally and physically.

 When I just sit and go quiet, relax and breathe there is a renewal not so much physically although it does assist in this as well but and 'inner feel' which is not so much physical but as if a deep well  of quiet and cool, refreshing and so nourishing in a 'place' not in body or mind a place that is not a place as such but is a space if you like which feels like the word 'soul' I cannot describe this it is beyond as it were heart it is not physical or mental it is just SOUL.

I thirst for this, it is a if my soul, this mysterious place or space within is my link to the Godhead as it were, my connection and joining with the Great Spirit. I feel refreshed and renewed and the bible saying 'behold I make all things anew' seems so apt and yet I feel the feverish plight of the homeless and the families who have to use foodbanks, the anguish and tightening jaws and grim expressions as the fuel bills and food bills rise and the politicians blame Russia and anyone else. There is enough gas in the two Russian Nord Stream Pipe lines but the politicians are blaming Russia for the war with Ukraine when the USA tore up the Minsk agreement, so freeze Europe never mind the people as long as it is politically acceptable and the  cabal get there world domination agenda.

So the lesson for me is; there is a deep need for the quiet mind, the simplicity of stillness and to be in the world and not of it. Perhaps by reaching my soul as it were in the quietness with others can calm the feverish brow and somehow bring some stability to the weather and appeal to nature for forgiveness in the ways we humans are dealing with her.  

Now to address the night before; I kept getting this resoundingly in me as I was about to sleep; Great Spirit I hear your voice in the wind, your smile in the trees, your love in the Sun, your calm in the soft aromas of nature, your sweetness in the soft rain, your strength in tornadoes volcanos and your fun in the animals, fish and birds, the mysteries of insects, reptiles, caves and all things hidden.

All of that above and more; I have had a lot of synchronicities lately and strange things disappearing and suddenly  reappearing and even dropping out of seemingly nowhere; to me the ego has no part in this, it is as if the Great Spirit which to my human senses is invisible yet tangible with that 'soul space' works behind as it were the busy intellect and ego and is saying as it were, the account of the Zen Monk in his cabin and on winter the leaves dropped, the birds went away, the snow fell and he was cosy inside, then spring came, the leaves returned, the birds arrived, the snow melted and he exclaimed---all this and I didn't do a thing to make it happen'.

It seems letting The Great Spirit, trusting Life, just doing the simple things like shopping, eating simple and small nourishing meals, craping, sleeping and Zen again 'when hungry we eat, when tired we sleep' somehow checking in with quietness restores the natural rhythms. 

Behold God knows what we need, consider the Lillie's of the field they spin not or toil, the sparrows know of their food' the predators and the prey and the natural culling when needed for nature is a good accountant. The need not the greed.

Somehow The Great Spirit works in mysterious ways and The Great Spirit is Life, Life is the demonstration of Great Spirit in Action, the Yang of Creation and at Rest The Yin of beauty and Rest.

There is sense that when I talk to the great spirit as it were, sense in the quietness or at odd times that there is a great consciousness and intelligence at work 'Behind the Scenes' as it were and really there is no behind, in front or any direction so to speak jus the all pervading Spirit.

Am I big enough to be small enough to get out of the Creators Way?

SHACK

How I long to be able to express what I really feel at the above but as it says that feeling or peace that goes beyond human understanding. But I do feel a spiritual thirst that this planet and peoples need so much and me so desperately for some respite. (SHACK) 

 

 

SHACK 2052 LESSONS AND UNDERSTANDING

 

Very Well Mind

Waking up blearily and having a heavy feeling after the aftermath of several dreams and wandering 'what on earth I am I doing hear, what use am I to the world and myself, just to do seemingly mundane matters, crapping, eating, laundry, shopping sometimes reading, juicing, eating and where to eat out and ----a busy mind them peaceful quiet moments'?

Then on a bright warm morning the above came to the forefront and I felt to pray and meditate, my prayer was of gratitude and as I sat by the window in the bedroom on a padded seat as in image with metal frames and a former adjustable piano stool I became aware of a pigeon playing with an extended twig and it played and tossed it around and then flew off with it. I was smiling broadly and realised that in some way I enjoyed the fun of the joy or whatever that the pigeon had or maybe was not self aware of its feelings but just did what pigeons and nature does.

The n I realised the word ZEN was to sit and Krishnamurti said, not in these exact words, 'sit without expectation, just sit. To me these words and the pigeon doing its thing in the garden,THAT it did what it did and maybe was not aware of its doing what it did when it did.

The pigeon I assume or surmised did what it did without thought, it did it instinctively and a sort of spontaneous activity, it may not have any thought as I do and just did what the Universe created it to do. IT did without reason or results that it may or maybe not of aware of as I do.

So doing without reason it seemed to dawn on me as the way to live and lift my heaviness of the intellect having to 'know, have a reason and explanation, to know that I know that I know, I have to be sure, safe, knowing and not just trust Life and its mystery'. Yesterday which was the 3rd.August 2022 I have several synchronicities or some say coincidences mine seemed to me mind blowing, miracles and like the birds and nature 'things' food, appear they 'sow not neither do they reap'  'the leaves drop and winter arrives the birds migrate, the spring and the leaves appear and the birds return, and I did not do a thing to make it happen' I merely breathed ate, crapped, either in wonder and peace or madly, desperately tying myself in intellectual knots, writing frantically, sitting in desperation does this mystery work, I MUST KNOW in order to feel safe, worthy to be here and living I must serve, have a purpose, please God and have a front seat and good karma in heaven and not reincarnate and go through all this mire and shit again.

So my human ego , that part of me that subscribes to human ambition   that is not in harmony and accord with nature wants to stamp its authority on nature and determine the seasons and reasons for it according to the laws of human assumption and science. Not having an intellectual and knowing reason and not making the intellect and logic my trust and reason and the safety net and the worry and energy spent endeavouring to shore up its weather worn cliffs and shores is such a relief and my fatigue is my will power endeavouring to find answers and keep it all together safely and intact, the endless strategies, insurances and yet A FEELING ARISING from the depths, the mysterious ancient and yet present and here now soft voice as it were saying like a wafting breeze let go and enjoy the ride the stay and be quiet in your mind, a calming whispering which says ' all is well you do not have to fight to stay alive, walk well and easily'   

'You do not have to do anything but live, eat crap, sleep and be merry'who do you think you are anyway? The miracles and synchronicities, coincidences, miracles, seem to my logical mind from nowhere and from no time, they come from the mystery of life I am vainly trying to find, they are out of this time space continuum, they are quantum, do not mess up the surprise and delight that Life has in store for you. Surrender to Life and know that this thirsty, drought, cruel human agenda that is now gripping a fearful world in its grasp, is but a vindictive human ego and will perish by its own hand. As for me continue to live without trying to solve life's mysteries for you are the mystery in Itself. I am the Mystery of Myself and so let it be a mystery that does not need solving by the human will for there is no answer there only confusion. Be the Pigeon and just peck the grass and branches, crap when full and just enjoy being as the pigeon shares its beingness with you.

SHACK

Is the pigeon Conscious of itself? SHACK
I am the mystery I am seeking--fancy that😁 SHACK

SHACK 2051 COME ON NOW

 

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ITS HARD TO BELIEVE  YOU'R 

AN 

IDEA

A FIGMENT OF AN IMAGINATION

AH! BUT WHOSE

IMAGINATION?

SHACK