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Whilst musing it came to me as 'God's love for me is a complete circle'yet mine is a semi circle, how so; From an ego or a limited local mind and my programming I felt that if I am giving loving, helpful and kind I would get approval or a reward of some sort, perhaps please God and get a front seat in heaven and appease my guilt at breaking some of the ten commandment's and the wrath of the Ancient Jewish God and that I did not deserve God's love, this was my half of the circle, the semi circle.
I could see here that a difficult childhood, not beaten or shouted at and it was a kind on non childhood. My parents at odds and a father who was a gambling addict, actually a kind man but like me weak of will and spirit. My mother beautiful and kind and deeply hurt by the love she never got from a kind but absent husband and she had severe depression and and anxiety and both parents had low self esteem and confidence, my father escaped through the distraction by gambling and my dearest mother by wallowing in the mire of self-deprecation and many nervous breakdowns.
Then not having really any Jewish or other education and coming near to my barmitzva I was sent to a Chasidic school with Hebrew education in the morning and secular education in the afternoon. I was living in Stamford Hill and Mother and Father tried to live again together in a big house in Filey Road in Stoke Newington / Stamford Hill, they tried to let rooms and mother took responsibility for the lettings whilst dad gambled and tried his best to run a dyers and cleaners shop in Cazenov Road Stoke Newington, apparently they decided to wait until my barmitzva and then either stay or part.
The school named Yosdey Hatorah which I called Yesterday Tomorrow was a shamble. The Reba's not really Rabbis were fanatical;
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Many of the secular teachers were semi retired, some I suspect were thrown out of schools on suspicion of some sort of misdemeanours and the headmaster a crabby old alcoholic. However one of the teachers was F.A. W. Nash a Judo ka and very kind honest British gentleman who had a great influence on Judo and the Budokwai and the;Gunji Koizumi (小泉 軍治, Koizumi Gunji, 8 July 1885 – 15 April 1965), known affectionately by colleagues as G.K.,[1][2] was a Japanese master of judo who introduced this martial art to the United Kingdom,[3] and came to be known as the 'Father of British Judo.'[4][5] He was the founder of the Budokwai, a pioneering Japanese martial arts society in England.[2][6][7] Koizumi helped establish the British Judo Association,[8] and founded the European Judo Union.[2] He held the rank of 8th dan in judo.[1] Koizumi's apparent suicide in 1965 shocked the worldwide judo community.[2]Courtesy WIKIPEDIA.
He was known affectionally known as GK. He gave me the name of my first
club I set up as ' Judokwai' he was my first Sensei, later another came by a
pupil of Mionosuke Kawaishi and from the lineage below and was known as the Rakuwai Uyenishi Sensei my second Sensei.
Gotō Zuigan (後藤 瑞巌, 1879–1965) was a Buddhist Rinzai Zen master[note 1] the chief abbot of Myōshin-ji and Daitoku-ji temples,[3] and a past president of Hanazono University of Kyoto, also known as "Rinzai University."[4][not
Dear GK apparently committed suicide and through many Judoka I learnt and through my Sensei that GK was sad that Judo was to become an Olympic sport with weight groups and the 'spiritual side was neglected' GK died of a broken heart and I went over to Taiichi, Qigong and some Kung Fu and found my Sifu was the Great Grand Son of Zhang Enpu 63 lineage of Zhang Daoling 2nd Century CE. My Sifu was Sifu Zhang Chi.
My meditation and stories about Sensei and later Sifu are in back Shacks. Coming back to the above circle; I was mixed up in early years between the harsh rules of the Chasid Torah and hell and damnation and the freedom of Zen as it were that it has split me into two camps as it were and the floating clouds of doubt and trust and the lack of any 'firm' role models left a vacuum and to some extent still does.
I have written about this in all 2000 and so back SHACKS to some extent. The half human circle was to give and be kind and get the approval or reward of approval which was I realise now a cheap imitation for love that I never got and hid my low esteem and lack of confidence and the second half circle was I didn't deserve love or approval, especially from God, after all I was ignored and not listened or had no say as a meek ill child and NDE and parents who had not love for themselves and a elder brother who hated our dad and loved and defended Mum and was hurt by Dad's lack of interest in the family. So I was a non as it were and my brother ten years older than me and he escaped through affairs and many so and being the manager of one of a chain of Butlins's holiday camps and then settling as an accountant when his 'fling' days were over and settled for marrying a 'nice Jewish girl' and raising three children. I dearly loved my brother, Mother in later years the few times I saw Dad I felt a great love for him even in the absent years.
This morning shed more light in my burgeoning light and clarification; I have had some breakthroughs where peace, wholeness and oneness seemed to connect me with the source of myself and the Universe. I realised not so much in thoughts but feelings; The great Spirit, God Almighty, Life Itself, birthed me, brought me out of Itself as of the Universe, I am part of the Great All Of All, I am a Child of God, my real parent and as such all my past brain washing, inculcations, childhood, religious and dabbling in psychology and stuff was annulled and void, I realise my Cosmic parent really loves me, the stars and nature my family in essence and spirit, their spirit is my spirit and God loves me because God created me and has dominion over whether I live in this form or other forms, MY SPIRIT OR THE AWARENESS OF MYSELF will always be there because I am a Child of The Universe.
Now the Circle is complete; I love because I feel love, I do not expect approval as I feel love, not ego and praise for any achievements, in fact I have no achievements,human degrees or secular success fade and can be trampled upon, but love that has no reason, when I spontaneously smile at a bird, a tree, a laugh for nor reason that I feel whole and complete FOR NO REASON, I then accept God loves me and I receive this love for no reason that LOVE LOVES. Love is a stand alone and complete in Itself. It is a full circle. The flow of give and receive as not polar opposites but as the complimentary Yin and Yang Of Life .
SHACK
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