My ego standards are high morality, very pious and
a strong belief in God, money is a corruptible influence this I feel came from
my fathers addictive gambling which broke the family apart and that wealthy
people are dogmatic, greedy and arrogant.
Then secretly I admitted at times I was battling
to keep the above at bay. Not me I’m not greedy, I’m not a glutton and the more
I tried to be pure and clean the more the battle to suppress these urges and to
continually acknowledge I was envious and jealous, it was like an alcoholic who
denies they are an addictive alcoholic, and refuses to believe and acknowledge that they are in denial.
It is a relief when I own up to it, yet the battle
to suppress does not lighten and my ego is a double spy agent working for both
sides and deepening the confrontation.
Pious, holy and wise, sage like pontificating
everywhere there is an audience and a chance, preaching the high moral ground
and then I slip from this high plateau and get into reveries of the jealous
aspects; all powerful, dominant, undefeated, super rich, a wonderfully loved
person, I know how to rule the world, how to eat and live, I know everything I
can be the world’s saviour.
Then comes the remorse and shame the ego has let
its doors open, the drawbridge of the fortress has let things in and out.
In this light the ego realises it has let its
secret ambitions shown and the reality is that it wants continual approval and
believes the pious wonderful guru side is but a trap and bait to get approval and
love and the ranting rollicking ego maniac of lust and greed and depravity must be
suppressed.
This is the battle of good and evil as expressed
in spiritual terms but this a battle of ego agendas which are amoral, not religious just
twisted distortions and justifications of certain principles garnered from life
experiences, traumas and indoctrinations.
When does the solution arrive; not by force or
suppression nor therapy yet this does assist. Meditation brings to the surface
the conflict by watching and observing the ego mind at work, its constant
manipulative manoeuvres like a wily old fox. By suppression it merely adds
importance and fuels renewed effort and energy and gives certain programmes and
agendas the kudos, it empowers them and giving way to them merely makes one a rampant
egoistic trouble maker and big time at that.
The elite, the power mongers, the Illuminati, the
Bilderbergs or whatever nomenclature, are some prime examples of this power
struggle for supremacy and they may lay aside the battle and surrender
wholesale for the utter power model and steam straight ahead fully convinced
they have the best and correct modus operandi.
Then there are the priests, gurus and the leaders
of cults who choose the high moral ground and feel they can reform the world
and some who also get caught up in the battle between the devil and God.
Sometimes the pressure is so great they slip and are seduced and get caught in
the trap and go off of the rails and indulge for instance some celibate priests,
club and cult leaders with children and so on and commit paedophilia and sexual
depravity and then their conscience pricks them and they feel shame and guilt
to follow with repentance, confession and some say 'well we are only human', then
they resolve to never do it again and the battle of will power and strength to
push down the beast begins anew.
The pressure in the dungeons in the fortress
becomes great; fantasies follow by prayer then doubt ‘I don’t believe in God otherwise why should I suffer like this’, ‘God put me in this his situation for a
reason’ ‘this is a school to learn lessons’ ‘ what if I fail or go mad or
become senile speaking gibberish and a wild unkempt being seeking here and
there frantically to find a way out this dilemma’ ‘I’m between a rock and hard
place vainly looking for a saviour---Jesus , Buddha any guru or prophet, a diet
that does not inflame me’ ‘I want to die, who am I, is there a God, I only half
believe, for God’s sake is there anyone out there who will save me’.
Then I realise all these are scenarios, they are
bombarding thoughts and although they wreak havoc and cause a frenzy of
frothing waves, turbulence, a red hot desert storm of stinging wind blown sands
scarring and searing my flesh, a hurricane of fire wishing to consume me, relentlessly
being pursued by an unknown yet fearsome entity, it seems hopeless.
Yet there is hope, a small tiny infinitesimal
whisper, just a hint, seems to indicate in a deep recess in me’ this is not
real', it seems so, but at most it is temporary. This does not quench the fire
or deep shivering fear cold, yet it is a tiny easement, a glimmer to hopefully
cling too, and sometimes doubting this as well.
Still the pious mode haunts me and I feel if I am not
living up to my standards God will punish me, this God that created the Earth
and allows war and horror to persist and then I reason well it is human ego and
that the battle described was caused by it and in the moments of respite I feel
this is so.
So what part does God partake in this; in my view
neither.
It is the middle way neither pious nor rampant,
the yin and yang and duality in which the world is built on. Perhaps even the middle way is another trap
and trying to be in the middle is a fence sitter and so a third battle arises,
I must be aware I must be a force, hard awareness, constantly on the look out
for traps and snares and a chance of becoming cynical and paranoid. Not this, not that but what? What if there in
no what? Tiredness and frustration come
in, herded into a corral, no way out or in, imprisoned, ‘I must be neutral, in
the muddle, the fulcrum, the axis'. Oh God what a mess, remorse, shame, guilt, I
can’t live up to my self imposed standards. I must clear this up before I die I
don’t want to reincarnate and start over again, I don’t want to take over
unfinished business, oh God save me---what has God got to with it?
So what the hell can I do? Truly breathe, watch,
look----oh no----and yet suddenly everything goes quiet, there is a cessation
which happens spontaneously it is something from somewhere else and what is it?
Strangely there is no serious questioning just an idle curiosity, mild thoughts
seemingly from afar prompt ‘where did it come from and to where is it going’
and then it is what it is.
Somehow the battle looked at and fully engaged and
something other than manipulated reminded awareness (I must remind myself to be
constantly present and aware and not lose myself in some reverie or go
unconscious---unconscious in this text means loss of witness awareness) which
is required by many disciplines which if regularly participated can alter
angles on the same subject and help distance and make space from the battle and
begin to realise the illusion for what it is.
Something far beyond, behind, up or down,
something all pervading is calling one out of the mire. It is not tangible and gives a furtive flirting
glance, a seductive shimmy and there is a nebulous hope. All questions cease, it is not a ceasefire a
compromise between the duality of the ego, a respite, and a breather, only to
start again.
It feels natural and beyond human understanding
and one realises it has been there all the while whilst the battle was raging.
So what is that, that is there all the while and is
eternal and seamless----only you can feel it?
SHACK
