A strange dilemma; I know intellectually that a
good diet, sleep, exercise clean air and a content disposition can go a long
way to longevity and good health. Also known that Yoga, Mudra, Tai Chi, Qi Gong
some form of aerobic and gym work assists with good relationships and that sort
of thing and of course work and job contentment and a wholesome salary with
some sort of belief system or religion prayer or just trust and faith in the
unknown.
Yet there is a nagging doubt and I do not trust my
instinctual feeling which is ‘I cannot be ill or have a short life of misery
and anxiety’ a deep gut feeling tells me this and I know that my body and all
bodies are capable of achieving this'.
Yet from the day I was conceived I sensed a
nervous and anxious feeling, it was inlaid and ingrained as if my very DNA was encoded with it and
my cells fed and nourished with this ominous feeling of residual doom and
gloom. To blame my parents is senseless
really. The whole ethos of the Jewish disposition was one of paranoia and being
persecuted and it hangs like a dark cloud over most of the followers. Add to that my parent’s unhappy marriage and
their ‘stuff’ so my start in life and the backcloth was not a great start also
my NDE in which I did not want
to come to Earth predisposed me to a negative slant. Abuse at school ill health
until I was twelve years of age did not fortify me for the work ethic.
I feel that if it was not for meditation and the
Eastern Philosophy and practice with Judo, Kendo, Aikido, Kung Fu, Qi Gong and
Taichi I would in a definitely messed up state and as my tenancy is to run ,
hide and sulk and ‘oh why me, poor me’ God has a downer on me and so on’. The
quest for liberation and freedom has been not from my parents, the world, the
Jewish ethos, no it is form my early and continuing habits that are so deeply
ingrained and impacted in me, the grooves in my life turns to when in trouble and
victimisation that I seek comfort in ‘the poor me scenario and blame’ for it is
hard to realise it is my conditioning and early grooming without strong role
models.
Another dilemma Sensei, Sifu and my school teacher
and Judo expert Frank W Nash and special friends like Rina and Roy Morris,
Wendy and Ian Hebblewhite and many
more who gave me hope that all humans
were just not trustworthy and reliable. One special friend who likes to be
‘unknown’ the editor of the late energygrid who is a pillar of strength and
support these folk were beacons in my darkness.
Unfortunately the only support I got from close
family was my dearest late brother and my first, second and third cousins. Be that as it may I have always been a loner
and yes I have been scared to form close relationships and that has been a
blessing because I have had to rely on my meditations and although one may say it
is cop out, the benefits are now being seen.
Then there are my neighbours bless them many of
them in their 80’s and 90’s and their messages to me are mostly ‘well that
comes with age, age is cruel’ your lucky you can walk’ it was never like this
in my day’ the world and people are wicked’ and so on. My doctor has been telling me for fifteen
years(this year 2017) that I am lucky not to have a stroke, I have a heart
condition and a serious arrhythmia, hypertension and I know I have glaucoma so
they say, and yet at various tests when I am in a meditative mood and the battle
between my conditioning which can click in when awareness, mindfulness and easy
abdominal breathing is in mode all the above have remarkably not been apparent
or presented them selves.
So I feel that my early years from conception to
twenty-one were great learning years and that the influence of these early
cellular memories are deeply etched into the brain automatic response system
that the journey to reveal the real self is a constant ‘peeling of the onion’
the layers of the mind, the gradual scraping like archaeologists scraping away
debris on a delicate piece of structure.
The hope is that through awareness brought about by meditation that a space which is occurring may remove these indelible fine
subtle layers of doubt and I can feel naturally ‘I am OK and that misadventure
on any level is not me’.
SHACK
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