SHACK 547 QUESTIONS AND DOUBTS

PETER PRESCOTT. WE.

Restless and twisting, uncomfortable and uncertain prompted this scribing. It came about after mulling over a series of thoughts that were prickly to my mind and causing deep consternation.

Am I doing Qi Gong, juicing my daily routines, juicing, meditation and other routines just to prolong my health and a kind of well being in order to follow a deep entrenched programme running silently in the background, my sort of base reference data checkpoint which everything is either modified, reconfigured and made to make sense thereby satisfying the ego censor which is the guardian and keeper, watchdog and sentinel of life conditioning and brain washing with a licence to allow tolerance and latitude to the proceedings to a certain degree.

Do I really love my body and life and my feeling of love for the divine; am I merely doing this out of a sort of insurance policy? Do I do these things for approval to make sure I will not get ill, that God will love me and save me a seat in heaven’s theatre and that I will not get seriously ill and live longer and prosper and stick two fingers up at the material affluence capitalistic way of living and the monastic religious piety then overlapping to the medical, scientific, political and media fashions and idioms and proudly say ‘I did it my way’ and get my approval from admirers and from my ego, whith echoes of the Frank Sinatra lyrics. 

And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I've traveled each and every highway
But more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill my share of losing
And now,…

It’s very easy to say I lead an exemplary life and my way is the right way, yes maybe for me, yes and if it is honest I feel others should follow my example, how egoistic is this?  

If I look closely and honestly as I can it seems this way of life has become ingrained and like gobbled prayer and supplications are these only lip service and if they are not religiously followed what are the consequences?; feeling guilty I have missed a QI Gong session, not juicing then my blood pressure and cholesterol will rise and the doctor will suggest medication and I must beat the system and in consequence beat myself up, God will punish me, my body will not like me for it and so am I doing all my routines out of fear and being punished, God’s wrath will awaken the saboteur, ego retribution and of course its all the new energies, pollution and political agendas, not being religious and going to Church, Mosque, Synagogue and my bigoted big headed ‘my way’ is merely assurance and comfort when I do these routines. I feel part of me is missing if I do not routinely do the routines. They are like an acrobat without a safety net.

Then this brings up the question what is trust and faith?; are my routines a substitute for faith and trust in the Divine, the Great Source of Life, The Beloved Father Mother God, do I really trust in the Divine, not as a picture of a Being who may epitomise God or be encapsulated with the Great Spirit, what if I were somewhere else where when I am unable to perform many of the routines that seem psychologically to be my mental belief coping systems and a crutch and merely symbolic and an edifice.  What then; well there have been a few times when ‘I have been up a creek without a paddle’ when in sheer desperation I have had to let go of the scaffold and the raft in choppy waters and have managed to let go of all mental constructs and then a spontaneous grace and seemingly miraculous event took place.

So I am left with a quandary; do I deliberately let go and do no exercise, eat what I consider to be ordinary food, not juice, no meditation and just become a sort of vagrant and just perhaps be quiet, or maybe just vegetate and wait for life to what it does when not caring or not being in a state of awareness?

My feeling now is to listen, be still and let my body mind ‘float’ and see, watch what arises when ‘the naughty boy skips school and plays truant’ and see the residue of fear arise when missing the familiar.

I feel the world and its chaotic nature is reflecting these as outworn patterns no longer serve purpose or like my outworn patterns have to be established from a genuine desire and not for profit. My profit is to gain and get from the patterns as above the reward of a healthy long peaceful life, the crux is the patterns are probably OK but they must not become a symbolic God, the patterns must be recognised as energised by God not by insurance as a modus operand in itself. Praise is to be given and gratitude that is the essence of survival and not just a mechanical rote and routine.

SHACK