BTS Fire Arm Training
This driving deep impulse like an intense quest to
know who I really am, how I got here not through parents copulation is not just
academic premise but a philosophical and almost rabid infection to seek like
the scientists the origins of the Cosmos, which are the origins of us all and
existence.
It obsesses me because of the drama of life and
death and the frailty of the flesh the loves, compassions, hates, wars, murders
the obscenities beyond description, whether or not there is an afterlife and
all related phenomena and appearing anomalies, myths and the quantum craziness
of something arising from nothing and then the world of spirit.
My feeling is that the ego which is the sum
collective totality of my content in my mind formed as an identity to know itself
as existing and maybe the Universe and its content is a reminder of the Cosmic
Ego that it exists and maybe the Cosmic ego has the same puzzle as its creation
and formed creation with consciousness in order to solve its own origin and who
am it is.
Hypothetical as the above may seem my own portion
of this quest can consume me in many ways; I get disturbed dreams, battering,
shattering thoughts, fears and health issues which constantly cause me
distraught intervals at time, the constant element being a background searching
and pruning going on----I must know who I am, I am not a solid being in
reality, my flesh is only temporary yet who is this mysterious in dweller, the
tenant, the guest. Who is this witness that in quiet times watches itself
watching? This witness seems at ease whilst another energetic substrate seems
to hoist aloft scenarios, thoughts and emotions, which temporarily cloud the
witness and I assume the scenario fantasy as reality.
So who is this conjurer, this phantom, the ghost
in the machine, this saboteur who steals by stealth and seduction, who feeds
the pictures with allure, heady perfume, glamour and promise? It is powerful
and takes revenge if ignored and is found to be merely ‘picture slides' of the
past of perhaps many pasts and concreted with layers and layers of heavy sod and so
impacted, pressed down and compressed that it makes a solid mighty structure
and yet as sturdy and unshakeable earthquake like it likes to assume, it deep
roots are shallow so it has to keep emphasising romancing and burying more
collected and stored experience in order to shore and convince itself it is
immortal, all conquering and secure for ever and ever even if reincarnation is
fact or not.
It rules with a rod of iron allowing privileges
and relief as a sign of its benign intentions when it feels safe enough for the
witness self to be allowed a space.
Any serious meditation, mindfulness and self
enquiry can cause a reaction and the creature in the lair feels threatened and
exposed, it knows deep down it is not real and like a dream that has become a
reality, like intent-ionising with intensity and repetition in order to
manifest a dream be it wealth, health and so on causes a friction between the
peace of true awareness which allows choice and the ego which allows choice which
is limited to its beliefs as in its context of thoughts and emotions.
I know thoughts are unreal in solid terms, yet
they are powerful and are the switches and levers to chemical action in the body
which stimulate flight or fight and they are only accrued experiences in a box
set corralled to form an identity labelled and given a name. Yet I am exhausted
and tired going round these themes and the nearer I expose this fake identity, the
more subtle the layers, the reactions from the defence corps, the military arm
of the ego strikes with a ferocity and punitive force. It leaves me flayed, limp
in pain and tired and yet cannot find rest. The world seems like this the
constant wars, lies, deceits indeed the world ego is my ego.
This then outlines the fury of the cold wind, the
burning of the hot fires that rage in my unconscious ego world and lifting the
lid off this underworld and standing back and like a volcano vent itself and I
hope to be distant enough and yet aware not to get smothered and burnt to
cinders by its hot lava and plasma.
SHACK
Have Posted --Post 362 on www.geofffreed.com
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