Over the last few months and due to the isolation with this Covid pandemic I have been taken out of my comfort zone many times. Many folk have committed suicide, had suicidal thoughts, depression, anger, become addicted to TV, alcohol, sex, violence and so on. I had a strange reaction; because of doctors not being available I felt relieved, I did my own routine and loved it. Now the 'normal' is sort of coming back I have this dilemma of getting caught in the net of medical academic lunacy and one way street reasoning.
I am angry at the lies and deceit of science and also see a new energetic medicine emerging. I have this new doctor as my old one retired. He like the trained clinicians go down the same line although this new chap named Dr Tal Helbitz seems OK. I am struggling to see a way of not going to see him and fight to have my blood pressure to be acceptable as I go into a white coat syndrome and the usual blood tests EEG, echo cardiogram and so on.
I have such a detestable hate and anger over doctors and the medical profession and yet realise their use and assistance with health and well being, I keep getting 'leave me alone, not only them but everyone' I feel to go to the wild in a shack and live away from everyone' of course money wise and age prevents this at this time. I feel this is to get away so I am not challenged and my ego can live in its delusion without being challenged or in confrontation, I will be supreme and recognised and never be put down again. I will be adored and revered and the saviour, nothing will ever get in the way again and if so I will prove them wrong, after all my knowledge and beliefs with oxymoron's are just and true, I am the judge and jury, how dare anyone challenge me and when I am cornered I get fearful, anxious, I have perfect health my juicing etc., are supreme how dare a blood pressure test prove me wrong, I will avoid them and the doctors who want to tear me down and humiliate me I KNOW BEST, LEAVE ME ALONE, FUCK OFF.
This morning the 2nd July 2021 after many restless nights I came to a sort of understanding. Food wise; I struggled with diet and what to eat and prepare; I came to juicing of Carrots, Cucumber, beets, celery, parsley, broccoli, spinach and an apple morning wise. For lunch, aubergine, cabbage, courgette, lettuce, bell peppers, onion, garlic with some raisins, dates and olives with cheese and tomatoes and to use small portions with my slicer and salad spinner and add some other veggie if found and in the evening a banana, apple, avocado, some yoghurt, some powders such as barley green and others I purchase with honey and coconut and cocoa and maybe having fish, meat or some humous with the salad and olive oil, I have done this before and I have tried to do 'Shaking Qigong' Seated Temple Qigong and various other forms and go to bed as early as possible.
No matter how I tried with EFT and other methods to access this latent, behind and at the back of my mind and head pressure and general unease and out of sync feeling and deep rooted fear and uncomfortable-bility it resisted any release of explanation. I realise that these set ups of food, times, exercises are my safety and although I say I do not need them to be and after all meditation is my 'safety zone' and I say I can go without routine and the above. Yet, yet if I am being bare honest, I get 'mind pricked' something says you can and yet lurking is doubt WHAT IF, I did go without (this date of the 1st November 2021 some months after typing this blog I have gone without many of the above foods, routines and such like even meditation as such) and I am weaning myself from them AND yet I may return without the fear of not having them as a safety net AND realising I will only get ill or such like through the fear of not doing them, like letting my ego god's like commandments down and hell will be the punishment ego wise.
Then the the old cliché 'lean not to thy own understanding'; many times I have said this to myself and others and every time it takes on a deeper intellectual 'take' and revelation. This time after consulting the 'runes' it suggested I released old ways that were of no use, this I knew but a new view, aspect or angle arrived; I knew the NASA, Forensic, Arsenal, Special Forces, my health routines, spirituality epiphanies of the past were my philosophy and were 'not fit for purpose anymore and the sell by date had long gone by' and the rotting debris were causing emotional garbage and heavy load on my joints, layers of fat for security and feeling full heavy and HERE, a bad taste and breath and it was time to let go.
Yes let go, BUT, into what? Let go into nothing. What? Yes the rush and anxiousness to get out of the flat to travel, to go somewhere, buy something, yes there is the GOLDEN answer awaiting me, I'll find God in Brent Cross, St. Albans, Alaska, Hawaii, in a UFO that saves me, a relationship, in NASA badges, my past, yes I got my applause from these and other tales of the past, my approval, but all things like this are impermanent and only satisfy the ego. And as the ego itself realises these are real and yet fake and they are my 'leaning to my own strength and understanding', these are tenets that are built on shifting sands and the bedrock is to have these shifted not by suppression, reason, swapping for another set of tenets but not having anything at all, JUST ME which is AN AWARENESS a witness to life and enjoying what is presented to my witness self. It is surrender and acceptance not with a heavy heart but a joyous expectancy and to be entertained, expect a miracle but not put in the details or wish, just an expectancy.
Instead of looking out as it were to the world for answers and somewhere out there is God and paradise I look not inward as such but remove the 'film and the stain on the window and on the shade and let the light of AWARENESS, consciousness be my guide, there is no planning or forethought but trust in the moment, the quiet mind and not pre plan too much. This means not to rely on my strength and old patterns which do not fit anymore and trust in the unknown and by being empty trust that the Unknown Unseen therapist will visit, I have to leave open a space, an invitation and an empty cup indeed a chalice for that which is the Divine to grace me as is my inheritance from my gracious Father Mother God.
Dearest Cosmic Parent come fill my cup with thy wisdom and understanding and fill me with thy ways and help me to not rely on my old brain washing and inculcated out dated logic and scientific claptrap.
There is so much more I want to share but cannot find the words and I do not want to cover up the feelings that arise from this writing. Be at peace Geoff / SHACK.
SHACK
Another subtle trap is to pray not only for asking and request out of fear and even gratitude for it is said the highest form of prayer is to be still. Just waiting in stillness. The there is no beseeching, the beseeching, pleading desperation of a fearful ego which sees it's master plan whittling away and frantically trying to claw it back. YES sliding down the slippery slope to a seemingly unknown destination and realising in eternity there is no destination but to be on a journey which has no beginning or end. Well fancy that? SHACK
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