Learning and Exploring Through Play
This morning 12th July 2021 I had a restless night and morning, very explicit sexual and pornographic dreams or even 'awake dreams' perhaps even lucid dreaming. I had awoken the day before anticipating the Wimbledon's Tennis men's single title and the evening's Euro final match at Wembley. I felt 'detached and aware' yet there was and underneath a current of tension and anxiety with excitement WHICH caused a consternation.
I of course am the master of calm and tranquillity and in control of my anxiety and subterranean 'ripples of tension' and this morning I realised how subtle and misunderstood or misunderstandings that my ego programming had fooled me again.
I was hoodwinked; instead of deep breathing and distraction and doing exercises and getting into fantasies with glamorising mind scenarios a more significant and efficacious approach might have been 'stop, halt, take stock breathe and then realise the tension, get in touch with it, stay with it, BE IN THE NOW with it. DO NOT TRY AND GET RID OF IT, JUST WATCH IT, yet the energy of the anxiety whatever trauma, event, lifetime or some such thing it arises from and to try and rid myself of this irksome energy will only fuel it up for another disguised or masked 'trick / illusion, deception, / the saboteur', because the ego sentinel has recorded the guise and how I deal with it and will then cause another camouflaged 'attack' which it feeds on and drains my energy and is its food. The predator learns how to deceive its prey with ever subtle and devious traps and snares.
Then this morning the 12th as above and the 11th the day of Wimbledon and Wembley I realise I said to myself I'll go shopping in the morning and I bought mainly junk food for comfort and 'relaxation' 'hmmm' and realised I could not take the tension of the tennis and football and blamed it on I could feel the vibes of the nation and world wide, YET it was me fooling myself I am a real cool special forces, Buddhist Monk aware dude. What a load of poppycock.
So this morning after torrid sexual lucid or ordinary dreaming, I felt when I awakened an extreme head pressure and a realisation I had succumbed to the hype of yesterday and that is OK, was it hell, my mind baulked and then what do I do today without the TV HYPE OR 'THINGS TO DO' WAS NOT MY ROUTINES ENOUGH? No came the resounding answer and I baulked at the day ahead, what do I fill it with, I was alright before the finals at the sports mentioned and got seduced by the attractive entertainment and AFTERALL I am detached and do not care about the outcomes, I am neutral and world citizen. What a load of bollocks.
So I got up sour and disappointed and full of anger and feeling let down, not because England failed to win and yet Djokovic won yes OK, BUT BECAUSE I LET MYSELF DOWN.
THEN it hit me full on, a broadside, a salvo, a bombardment, cannonade a repeat words in order to emphasise the impact of the revelation that followed although known intellectually and logically before; I had a set of programmes which I was aware of it seems only superficially and some of them were; sex is messy, wrong, should only be done by consenting loving meaningful lovers, it was and is holy and so am I (your kidding) Sex is a distraction especially masturbation with or without a partner, it weakens your strength, it is only a relief of tension and should not be a substitute for meditation and exercise like Qi Gong, I as master should not have to step so low and be so crude and a servant and be robbed by an emotion and energy that is so crass and gross after all am I not the Master and above these petty materialistic heinous innocuous frailties? DO you know who I am?
My ego program then hit me full force and I realised there was this image that floated in the background a sort of subtle film or cling film like energy substance that slid into place when the tension and anxiety was triggered and it brought me down from exultation and big headed cocky noxious arrogant and appearing humble and cowardly, demeaning outward appearance and inwardly cowardly and afraid of most things and hiding behind the façade of a degree, my past and the accolades that they furnished me with. I fully laid bare the stark facts that this was the mind programmes at play AND THAT it is hard to put into words the feeling I got that this film 'sort of overlaid my frontal lobes and third eye and I sort felt my eyes go upwards as if reaching into my mind as it were and 'FEELING' the energy of the encroachment and intrusion into the awareness as if an awareness or stain on the shade or windscreen of mind had been actually seen, felt and hopefully another layer of the 'onion' of the mind programme inculcation and conditioning had been revealed.
My own programmes proved to be my judge and jury. God would not punish me for my sexual or any other programme, I was my own executioner and punished me by being guilty for breaking my own self imposed images and they were not God given, they were me given and who is this me I so cherish, merely a bunch of self imposed brainwashed and addicted programmes that assumed a reality and false image, a MIND EGO GENERATED, SELF GENERATED AND PERPETUATED image of a holographic nature, for I could see right through it as a film slide that was apparently floating across the frontal lobes third eye area so to speak and was so convincing it fooled me into thinking and feeling this is solid and real and my reality, my false programme said it was so.
However I broke the spell and went out for a Sausage and Bacon breakfast which I did not enjoy and found my recent salads for me more sustaining.
SHACK
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