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SouthernMinn.com
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Many of us have to have a reason; a reason to live, perhaps one feels 'I was born to for a reason other than copulation and love of my parents or perhaps a drunken one night stand. 'I have a mission' I have heard many say, for me I used to think because of my NDE and extraordinary life I was born to fulfil some great mission. Laughingly and in retrospect that is now fading and seems ludicrous and arrogant.
It feels now that I am shed of the responsibility to this notion and now have no reason to live at all. That used to be depressing and I wondered what on Earth, especially over the last five years, what on the heck am I doing here?
Now I feel that Life brought me here through my parents and in another way whether it was planned by them or not, Life put me here and maybe there is no reason known to me but only to life.
This used to be a scary thought 'what no reason for living' are you depressed, suicidal, just sad and lonely waiting for the count down to begin and to whisk me away to demise, either a heaven or hell or oblivion? I had fast moving clouds of these experiences and I realised through many interactions with people for instance; the horror of Forensics, the waylaid ambitions of pro soccer player, successful marriage, children, wealth, a loving social circle and family and so on, this was never to be, the signs at the time of these forlorn dreams and illusions were not to be, I felt deep inside of me, wherever deep inside of one is, probably past the usual mind chatter and inculcated brain washed movie that many live and take for reality, that in this clearing in the deep congested forest of the ego there was a space that is not to be cluttered with junk and debris, the aftermath of a picnic, a picnic of surface fun and temporary relief from the monotony of life returning home to the familiar routine and daily chores and then turning on the TV and using the remote to surf the many channels looking for a programme in order to entertain oneself and relieve the boredom or nagging shadow of depression and say to oneself a popular musical title 'What's it all about Alfie?'
What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
Or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie
Then I guess it is wise to be cruel
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie
What will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie
I know there's something much more,
Something even non-believers can believe in
I…
At this time of 2020 and a broken world due to a chimera pathogen many peoples world has been turned, churned and become unrecognisable. Depression is rampant, suicides have increased, poverty is everywhere among those less well off, whilst the very wealthy have made huge fortunes, home abuse has soared and the 'reality' of the situation has made many realise the naked starkness of life.
The thinker may come to the conclusion that all their lives were built on concepts, cultural values, religious belief, political, financial, educational, peer pressure, fashion and media hype, that theirs's and mine were built on someone else's hand me downs and in a way many have come to see the illusion of life based on success, hoarding, acquisition, mere academia and so actually the contents of ones life are built on just 'thoughts that produce emotions or vice versa'.
What then when all is rent asunder; search the endless bargains on the internet, look for the movies on the thousands of offers and websites, the takeaways, the TV games, gambling, oh I forgot I haven't the money, some drugs, hobbies, oh what now, will it never end, where is the reason in this broken society?.
Arrogantly or maybe not I have never pursued many of the above pursuits, yes I touched on them briefly, never felt to dive deeply and 'throw all my energy and life' into any worldly endeavour. I just did not have the inspiration and energy. What was consuming me was to feel, find and experience life without the trappings as above, a life without hand me downs, a naked, barren life so to speak, I suppose monk like.
I did try a sort an monastic life for a while and that was all based on ritual, some philosophy, I tried communities, presenting workshops, being a clinician in psychotherapy and counselling, writing blogs of a conspiratorial nature, doing this SHACK stuff and yet the drive was still there, this is all fine but still what if I live, live life with no reason and still feel not exactly buoyant with no reason, just to live life for life's sake and no more. To live without reason or expectation and float as it were on the currents of life, the waves of invisible Life. A surfer without rhyme or reason, as the old Zen quote has it ' When hungry we eat and when tired we sleep, blown like a fallen leaf and gathered by the wind'.
I whoever I is, have felt heterosexual and at times felt to cross dress and yet felt male and masculine and at times feminine and then coming to a balance and the phrase androgynous although I believe
I look male and not a hermaphrodite although I do have large 'man-boobs' and have never sustained or had interest in relationships with female's or males, I am more at home with myself in deep meditation and hermetic sort of life.
So not having the interest of the worldly pursuits and not be able to define myself and have no reason to be living only by the permission of Life Itself I feel relatively free and have realised that weight that dragged me down lately has diminished because there is very little worldly endeavours that entrench me or bog me down.
This, a few weeks back would have terrified me and yet I realise I have contemplated this for years and intellectually known and desired this was for me, again who is this me? There is no security in not having a reason or something in mind to fall back on. Like a religious faith, a prayerful solitude, a something tangible even if it was in consciousness although not somatic it would suffice, be adequate, anything to cling onto, a raft of some sort in mind or illusion, dream, fantasy for god's sake anything.
The countless trillions of years and mostly history repeating itself there has been empires come and gone, religions and politics, wars, poverty, filthy rich tyrannical despots, all desperately trying their darnedest to put their stamp and mark on the world and now other worlds.
Over the countless millennia, the aching aeons so many countless emotions such as pain, torture, unrequited love, exaltation, depression, suicides, pillaging, rape, arson, sacrifices to pagan gods and icons, bribery, corruption, religious fervour and wars, philosophical and academic dictates, killing animals needlessly, genocide, eugenics, abominations of the most horrific and barbaric nature, all of this is contained and much more that is indescribable, demonic and has resided in the 'length and breadth' in the gamut of Planetary Earth experience since time immemorial until the present.
And, so what is faith?; faith through religion and fervent prayer, faith through a guru, a master, a prophet, a messiah, a way of life depicted by a philosopher, by an academic or scientific postulation, a brow beaten dogma by a tyrannical despot, a dictator by forceful technical brain washing or just plain parental / peer pressure, media, religious tomes and then to try to atone for the backlog of guilt and sultry clouds of dark ominous foreboding an unconscious apprehension that often accompanies the human mind as if it were the back log of the pain body of the past incarnations that go back in far distant memory and the gossamer filaments that are at the back of the mind and speedily disappear like fast scurrying clouds or the spider that seems to sense one and flees sensing its imminent capture or demise. These are the archetypes that lurk around the dark corners of the mind feeding inter-dimensional denizens and lustful desires and given the opportunity take over the occupants mind and so endeavour to work out its entrapment and its karma.
So here we are in the desert and the ocean of a raft that is breaking up and beneath us the endless sea and in the desert the hot arid barren waste, the raft we thought was our reality and now where do we flee like the spider and the spider has its domain in its web and us only to the concepts, ideology and all that the mind content tells and told us and now gone, a strange new world dictated to by Government and their medical and scientific advisers. Gone is our choice, fined, forced and imprisoned. Where is my God and religion now, pregnant women unable to have their family or husband present, the dying to have a lovely nurse see them pass and the family crying outside in the disinfected lonely waiting rooms and corridors of masked marauders in cloaks and gowns bearing daggers with chemicals to protect one from an invasion of a microscopic invaders.
So where is faith now, reasons have gone, despair for many and the rich feeling safe in their gigantic fortunes and yet a nagging thought they will not come to terms with; 'one day I will get old and as yet I can live with that, the best medical care, the finest food, exempt from lock downs and I can buy and bribe anyone, oh, I must die and leave it all behind, so what, I have had a fantastic life and so I go merrily to wherever, this god of mammon has been good to me and I will be safe in his arms because of the gifts he bestowed on me. Perhaps my family told me about another god, ah well too late now. Perhaps as I have seen in Hospice work some do not want to leave and it is hard for those who have so much and have ships, cars, planes, beautiful young companions and to come to terms in their luxury hospital bed or home care and look at the sagging skin, the bones that are now feeble and minds gone to some strange shore, what now as they slip out of their body and become a lifeless cold corpse.
The homeless, war torn victims, asylum seekers, refugees, eating rats and mice, living in tents, crossing seas, facing perils of the oceans and torturous land, hungry and cold, unwelcome and attacked, human traffickers getting wealthy because of their plight, children being abused and trafficked and their traumas in their life forever haunting them like hungry ghosts and then committing to a life of crime , street gangs and drug trafficking and their past is their religion and values and the virus has them as well. When they pass often alone or through gang fights and life so cheap or the homeless rotting away in some shop doorway if they are lucky and not driven away by the local council who look at them like some fly-tipping or refuse and the local councils kept short of funds by central government and both trying to look the other way over this problem as the countries of the world seek to solve or turn a blind eye to the asylum and refugee seekers problem, so these dear folk, blemished by the injustice of corruption and a broken world of wars, pestilence and violence some may wish for better lives vainly going hither and thither risking their lives and some wishing to die quickly and painlessly. Where does their faith lay? In some NHS scheme in Britain if they will be let in, some EU decision to house them, where is their god, where has he or she gone. Perhaps their religion and faith does give them hope and some solace and perhaps their reason for living is the miracle and a for many the miracle of a returning Messiah.
For me I have realised at least intellectually that all of these are the desires of a world based on Western values and now being embraced by Eastern cultures. Even the Amazonian and other remote areas of the world inhabited by natural living indigenous people are being turned out of their land by drug barrens, cattle land and cut down the forest is now fields for the cows and pigs which are not native to this land, logging, animals habitat destruction and gradually the greed for this land, minerals and cheap labour is killing the planet and eventually when the resources run out the wealthy will survive for a while and now many scientists and entrepreneurs are thinking of mining the Moon.
Nasa has announced it is looking for private companies to go to the moon and collect dust and rocks from the surface and bring them back to Earth. The American space agency would then buy the moon samples in amounts between 50 to 500 grams for between $15,000 to $25,000.
In my other site I have mentioned that Israel sent up a space ship and that it landed on the dark side of the Moon in a crash and spilled 42,000 tardigrades and I suspect that are doing a '
Terraforming or terraformation (literally, "Earth-shaping") of a planet, moon, or other body is the hypothetical process of deliberately modifying its atmosphere, temperature, surface topography or ecology to be similar to the environment of Earth to make it habitable by Earth-like life.
With all that is said and done above it remains for me to elucidate my reason for living; the above is done and dusted for me to a certain extent and I am mopping up the residue. The worldly and religious, political, cultural, political, national and whatever's are not for me and never really have been. So I have no faith as such by worldly religious affiliations or particular affiliations to others mentioned above. So my faith and not prayed too but grateful is to life and to accept what this blown down leaf and the wind has to offer, no matter what aspect of good or bad, evil or charitable comes by the way the 'wind' blows me, be it hurricane, icy wind, mild or sunny for my frail and ageing body has but only one recourse flow with destiny which the forces of life which cause the storms, gales and winds to move and take with them the fortitude's and changes within them.
SHACK
