My dearest Brother was ten years older than me. We had a little van which I had an accident in and we were earning good money and it was always a little awkward to share the vehicle every other weekend.
So we sold the van and bought a lovely little car a Triumph Herald after a while the same awkwardness arose, so we bought another car, a real snorter, a Triumph Vitesse, a twin carb, six cylinder job, the real business, we swapped cars weekly so we had a car for the whole week and weekend.
When we came to sign the insurance for for the Vitesse I had this disorientation come over me. I don't know if you had the experience that when you look in the mirror and wonder who you really are, where did you come from and where are you going to and so on, well after the Have a Cup of Tea and other experiences shared in SHACK mine was as though I was depersonalized, as if I had no identity that was solid, it floated as it were, I felt fear and all the emotions yet they did not touch me as deeply as I thought they would, even though I still have mild panic attacks what is apparent they are not happening to the real me and yet they are. It brings a strange peace, and now that I have given up work for some fifteen years in retirement and only did some research voluntary for some big institutions as an associate there is less of a me as a personality and more of !!!!//? and its fine.
So the insurance form said name---I stared at it-----how could I name a bunch of atoms and an image in the mirror that changes over the years? I felt identity-less, I nearly put unknown part of the Cosmos.
Address------nowhere fixed --- a space inhabitant---The Universe
Age---Eternal Being
My brother said, here we go again, come on Yossel he sometimes used a Yiddish colloquialism to gee me up. This would be around 1964-5 I feel. I awoke from the reverie and signed the form as appropriately as was meant to be.
I did go to my psychotherapist mentor and obviously had analysis in order to become a psychotherapist and he was a psychiatrist, a Buddhist, a healer and did meditation and spent time in a Zendo in Tokyo. He assured me as long as I was aware of this process all would be well if I lost presence or awareness and just went into a mindless floating piece of space junk(my words now) I would lose the essence of my being now I do not have the distraction of financial debt(although I am out of debt I still have to pay for a financial deal that almost made me bankrupt and homeless, I still have to pay back a special loan and if still earthbound will be free of it in five to seven years).
So where am I now---no idea----do I know who I am----don't know--am I concerned over memory---no because I know when I need to know I will Know.
SHACK
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