Life in a way is an addiction and breaking the
addiction is a paramount strategy, the point is what is meant that life is an
addiction? I know that life in a flesh
human body is transient and transitory and limited, mortal and
finite, yet why do I cling to it so steadfastly and feel I am infinite this
body will never die?
It probably is because we have been brain washed
and told this is the only life, there is no tangible proof of an after or
before life. Science says so, so it must
be right, religion disagrees and yet one may ask if there is a God how is it he
/ she allows such horrors as we witness in 2018 and before hand? We have been given free will says religion, God does not impose his / her will on us, so why do we die and have natural laws
and so on, the discussions are endless, each batting for their quarter, team and ism.
When working in hospices and seeing in therapy
clinics many who want to die and cannot and plead for euthanasia, some
countries allow it others do not, then there are abortions some countries allow
it others do not. Yet many Western
Countries sell weapons of massive impact power to other countries and are
complicit in murder while upholding their chaste moral compasses and mercy and most
hypocritical, I find this in myself very often, I justify my moral high ground
and my negative and sometimes vile thoughts are complicit as well and add to
the collective unconscious mix.
I know that in me there is a stranger that lurks,
this stranger was a way of life I lived out unconsciously and followed it with
due reverence and loyalty, following an automatic pilot that was programmed by a
culture, religion, spiritual practice and life experiences, I followed blindly
as a willing sheep, I was and still am to a certain extent a sheeple (a human
robotic sheep) occasionally I would question my reality or way of life, it wasn't pleasant and with consistent meditation which allowed a space, a witness
an awareness to arrive and present itself, this produced a questioning, who is
this stranger in my head and who then am I? Am I mentally ill, am I schizophrenic,
have I got multi personality disorder, am I a telepathic or empathic that is
picking up the collective unconscious and others that I am in contact with, or from
the internet and TV?
Then I get glimpses that my automatic pilot and
predestined path that is determined by conditioning, brain washing and
programming is just that; a brainwashed individual who shares this brain washed
identity with others who wear the same uniform and have the same culture, religion
or not, the same politics, the same waking up with cynicism.
Then there become doubts; who shall I be, the
programmes; after all I followed them all my life, they are easier than
breaking the mould, yet the more the programmes reveal themselves as a collective
which some name ego which seems a self perpetuating being with a self
perpetuating hierarchy and seems to draw energy as a separate entity from the
me that is beginning to recognise its frailty and will die with the flesh.
The growing awareness begins to search out the
mortal frailty and so disturb the ego and remind it of its mortality and the ego
cannot bear the thought of it being mortal and subject to fear, suffering and
death, it cannot tolerate being insignificant and non recognisable and not getting
its love and applause for with either being dominant or subdued.
So the ego fights it kicks back and in some cases
will like the scorpion surrounded by fire kill itself rather than change, if I
can’t be it no one else will be it. Many world leaders are like this. The ego
can and will be in many cases a kamikaze.
I find when I get too close to the ego central command, it sends huge
fantasies, threats, fears of illness and sometimes earthly rewards.
In my case I have found the ego torments, bombards
and is relentless pursuing its dominance and one of the most efficacious ways
is to endeavour to persuade me the path of emptiness, no mind, meditation,
rubbish about the quantum field the 99.99% of atoms being empty, the few
glimpses of nirvana I have experienced are but ego letting me rest from its
searing brain fire that has the effect of a blank nothing as an escape and
feeling trapped and nowhere to turn or go, I cannot even meditate, the other
alternative is a distraction and they are now falling away as they like the
drug addict, alcoholic and thrill seekers are running out of options and new
highs, the ego is losing its own grip and as inventive, spontaneous as it
appears it cannot entertain itself and is losing it allure and seduction.
So madness can ensue, the ego drives itself into a
frenzy like sharks at the smell of blood, it is trapped, and I am beginning to
see the ruse and am not the one feeling mad or trapped. So the ego threatens
suicide, depression, cancer and all other diseases but will it subside, yes it
will for a while, while it gives itself breathing time, recovery time, assessing
new strategies, if only I could kill that frigging awareness.
Yet paradoxically it is the energy and light of
the awareness that the ego obtains its power through, the ego feeds off of the
awareness, the awareness is life, it is the life energy for awareness
which is consciousness, which is being alive, in fact the energy of the
Universe, the alive conscious all experiencing Cosmic Being the ego would not
have life and indeed be recognised. In fact the ego is jealous of the all being
awareness and wants supremacy that it feels the Universal ego has. The ego is a perverted image of the Universal
ego.
I have met many famous writers, psychologists,
psychiatrists, quantum physicists, and philosophers, meditater's' so called
masters who reached the edge of their minds, which is the edge of the thought
processes, the programmes, edicts and then the mind baulks, no matter how many
combinations, configurations, juxtaposing, manipulating, conjugating, mixing and
matching say; I cannot get out of the prison, out of the box, the ring fence of
my computations and rearrangements in my brain, I cannot jump off of the edge
of my mind, so I must either keep distracting, going around the library and
hard drive of my mind brain computer and then face a bleak nowhere to go or be
or just go senile, crackers, insane and live in a fantasy world and you see
that is no answer because the whole Universe is transient, not real only an
appearance of reality and so what is real, is there any reality, how do I know
that awareness is not another trick of illusion?
I cannot even remotely answer this or anything
else but to keep marching on through brick walls, madness, seeming reality
after seeming reality and say like many yogis say ‘not that not that’.
SHACK
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