I want to escape from my own
images; the guru, the enlightened one, the master and like some religious priests and others the shadow side clicks in, the exact opposite side presents itself.
This then shows the false image belief and buried debris.
If I do not follow my saintly
image God will punish me, it’s more like my ego has established this and these
images, because it gives me an excuse for being a failure, a sinner and need for self inflicted punishment.
The sense of failure seemed to
haunt my ability to form deep and meaningful relationships; I used to blame my
upbringing with all its dysfunctional aspects and it still lingers at times as
the saboteur. Yes I was bullied at
school until I was twelve years of age and I developed coping mechanisms and
outlets which set up future patterns and habits and were a kind of safety net
and when these let me down and I felt insecure and this led to fantasies and mind
games and introversion, however a real help were the martial arts and in particular meditation
which began the unravelling process and a glimpse at another choice.
I escaped social contact because
of bullying and parental family stuff caused my distrust in people and just after
my NDE I could feel adults saying one thing
and meaning another all to get their own way and so on.
I felt out of place at noisy
parties, and with the police at work, I found lot of competitiveness for
promotion and many corrupt injustices and this made my trust in humanity
heighten.
I hid my secret anxieties, fears
and worries and to be in control as the leader the authority was a great
strategy and coping mechanism. Strangely enough this worked well as I ‘taught
that which I needed to learn through teaching others’ so the career of Judo,
Meditation, Psychotherapist, healer and workshop presenter. Yet socially a
loner. I worked out my failure and shadow
side in fantasies, drama workshops and having mentors. I had several
girlfriends of a sort that helped me work out my sexual stuff and impotency, I
realised the false images and began the task of detoxing mind and body.
My very real so it seemed
failures and anxieties, especially around wealth and health, after all I was
not worth having these qualities were my greatest teachers as they showed me
what I was not. Meditation was the spotlight which revealed the dark hidden accumulation
and by its light revealed the shadow.
SHACK
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