Clip Ground
Relief came about when I realised I was not to
blame for what I currently was and that
I did not deserve to be punished and had bad luck, be a waste of space or any
other derogatory remark I felt and thought about myself.
The realisation dawned on me that I had been
brainwashed by my life experiences as mentioned many times before and known and
realised on the intellectual or surface mundane level of understanding, however
the main phrase that leapt out was ‘I DIDN’T DESERVE’, the deeper recognition
rather than understanding was I was not to blame for my attitudes and beliefs,
this was not me and these were habits, like an athlete or learning a skill, by
repetition they become a reflex, an addiction, a neuronal set of interrelated
responses and reflexes which then become a belief, these beliefs then are
compounded and ingrained, compacted crushed and crunched into a ‘hard ball’ and
become a belief, a post, a pillar and then become a reality.
So my bad luck, ill health, lack of money, a
failure, inability to form lasting relationships and so on are and were taught,
repetitive experiences through religion, culture and so on, but are a
conditioned, brain washed reactive reflex and then becomes my world and
reality. This I knew beforehand yet this
time I did not feel I deserved it and was being punished by God, society, my
family and friends or by my own critique of myself by myself.
This removed punishment, blame and self loathing
from me, the film, the block was I hadn't removed the film, the haze, the black
ominous doom, ‘time is short’, a fathomless omnipresent fear, a gnawing gut wrench,
a deep depressive shut-down, physical weakness and nothing to live for.
It was only the programme, the conditioned
reflexes, the ingrained beliefs that were not seen in clarity to the conscious
mind, but came by stealth as a deep feeling in my depths, my guts, that all was
doom and gloom, helpless and a victim to these currents of dark energy
generated by the stealthy monsters that lurked in the murky waters of my unconscious
sea of primal beliefs inculcated by years of repetitive actions and thoughts so
that I believed this was me and my unshakeable reality. It was concrete, set in
stone, this is who I was and am and so I deserved what these beliefs dished
out.
The disquiet beckoned and began to ‘rock the boat’
erode the foundations brought about by meditation and an awakening to the fact
‘who are these identities’ I seek that are not satisfying, escaping into
fantasies, mind movies, because the pillars of my belief system did not satisfy
me. So I sought fresh identities in my
mind and the ‘outside’ world and they were just as unsatisfactory, the
fantasies and the PH.D, the soccer dream that did not mature outside or inside,
so dissatisfaction reigned. Nothing
seemed to satisfy me, all the minor ‘buzzes’ I got brought temporary emotional
high and a endorphins and adrenaline temporary relief as orgasms did, however
these were a reward for the ego or the transparent belief systems which have
their foundations built and anchored on shifting sands are not cemented into
any permanent reality in fact there is no such thing as a permanent reality.
What was beginning to emerge was that reality in a
sense did not exist and in a way reality, identity and addiction have similar
complimentary emotions and energies. It
seems the nearest ‘reality’ is a moving awareness as in a travellater or
escalator, it is a stream, a river of Life
Some ‘fixed’ guiding principles were needed to
live and Earthly Fleshly Life and these were adaptable to certain
circumstances.
So my beliefs dictated my rewards and punishments
which meant that deserve is the outcome for obeying or disobeying my ego core
beliefs. The shift has been subtle in
the way I perceive ‘deserve’. I may still believe and have some substructure,
some sort of substrate, yet they are flexible and not bases on reward and
chastisement, they free up the dogma of guilt, remorse and self admonishment
and leave one in a space of free living and not the claustrophobic atmosphere
of being encased in a straight jacket and bound forever in that doom or gloom. The impending doom or gloom is the sentinel,
the early warning system the ego senses (for it is a being, an entity, albeit
self created) that the beliefs and guidelines are going to be breached and
security threatened and an attack and wipe out imminent. All defences up,
shields up, on guard, and be alert to all possibilities of a breach.
I feel that the harbinger of doom, the dark cloud
is the sentinel, the security guard, the guard dog patrolling the perimeter of
my mind encased beliefs and straying outside the designated lines of safety
enforced by the ring fence of the belief systems embedded in a hardrive of the
ego means a punishment and ‘The Lord God Ego sayeth that if thou strayest too
far from my Laws and tenets, then thou will be undeserving and the wrath of the
Lord shall encompass thee’. This feels
like I am not worthy, loss of confidence and self esteem, a failure and
seemingly inferior to others who I put on a pedestal and wish I had their
identity and envious of their achievements and beg and seek their approval, yet
at the same time criticizing and denouncing them as the result of my envy and
lack of confidence and frailty.
So what now?
I have no idea.
SHACK
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