NY Daily News
So many babies are suffering because of the
intrauterine transfer of mothers addicted to opioid 's and other substances like
cocaine, and in one study as the baby vacates the womb the secretions assist the
babies immune system for the external environment and then the feelings of
mother, father, hospital staff and so on are felt by the foetus and of course
when with the family outside the womb.
I am not blaming here as I am not in a position to
judge that mother and her circumstances and similarly about judgement about the
many prostitutes that I met during the forensic work in brothels or street
situations, what people do is complex and
the upbringing environment is so important.
My dearest late mother was a chronic worrier,
anxious and unsure; I can now see in hindsight her family and its problems and
intricacies. However I tend to have these tendencies and meditation and various
other aids have brought me to a moderate position of being aware but not
‘cured’ and the most I can relate to is ‘I am beginning to ‘catch’ the triggers
that set off the automatic robotic reactions to certain situations.
One particular ‘theme’ came up and I relate this
and I not ashamed to share my intimacies although ones opinion of me may take a
tumble and that is not as distressing as it used to be.
God my ‘heavenly parent’ was up to a few months
ago a menace and the cause of all my problems, some part of me knew that was
not so and the other part said ‘the wars and suffering’ why do I suffer and so
many others, the cruelty and so on. Then
I would argue well we were given free will, that is true love and then again if
God did not give us free will then we would be robots, but God controlled.
Then my anger at God getting me born into this
dysfunctional situation and sending me back after the joy of my NDE in space and catapulted
into this hard rock unyielding Earth maybe for purpose, a mission, nah, no
way.
So I blamed God and yet prayed to him / her and
nearly always did not get an answer or miracle at least not that I had noticed.
Then came realisation that my Earthly parents gave me the brain patterns and
connections and my free will was taken away by the conditioning and programming, the brain washing and domination of
authorities and I rebelled, I felt awkward, shy, lack of self esteem and
confidence and I wanted to go my own way, I felt trapped by these insecurities
and so went out of my way to baulk authority where I could.
I did not use violence and although not very good
at school I began to become very intellectual and academic and I used ways of
the pen and mind to achieve my goals.
It was when these connivances ran out, when my
fantasies, day dreams and goals ran out as well, they seemed to be illusions
and not real, especially following the ‘emptiness’ of Buddhist philosophy which
matched up with quantum ‘stuff’ that a kind of disillusionment crept in,
sometimes it turned to cynicism and almost atheism and then I would reason;
well the Universe is here and so am I, maybe this is the Universe playing
devils advocate with me / us / you, this is the human lot, birth and death and
that’s your lot.
However in meditation there was a glimpse of
something else. Not just a mind trick or
conjured up emotion, but a peace, a happiness not of Earthly manifestation and yet
tantalisingly only spontaneously available.
Then I realised that my Earthly Parents were
responsible for my ‘certain genetic disposition’ and this was my sorry
inheritance, and then some light was shed when epigenetic’s and the horror in
Forensics, my patients, the workshops began to wear down the beliefs that my
beliefs were as illusionary as the 99.99% emptiness of the atom and the world
and Universe they are in.
This then gave me space as it were to reassess the
whole gamut of the issue. God was not to
blame at all, Heavenly God did not put this conditioning on me, and it was my
Earthly Parents who did. The blame went from God to my parents. The I realised they had been brain washed and
so all the years of human evolution had to some extent been brain washed, then
I blamed myself for being under the cosh and hoodwinked and so I took it out on
myself not realising it was mere conditioned reflexes and automatic responses
from an awareness being overlaid and covered by erroneous information and the
awakening was in stages.
Being uncomfortable and not knowing why after many
years of being subdued and coward to pressure. Then investigating the possibility that this uncomfortable feeling was
something stirring and perhaps there was something underneath the surface. The
probing by awareness and watching the data coming through began to ring bells,
who am I then? The search for an identity came next ad what ever ID I came
across spoke to me and said ‘yes emotional highs and they do not last, like everything
on Earth its fleeting, here today gone tomorrow’.
So it seemed everything was transient,
transparent, dream like, illusionary in a way. Like a movie or video enjoyed
gone and perhaps the wish to get the ‘high and buzz’ that it afforded whilst it
lasts. The only true lasting something
seemed to be space, until one filled it up with thoughts, emotions, planets, stars
and so on, so back to the emptiness and yet in that emptiness I had experienced
not at emptiness but an extraordinary glow, light and a feeling of unity. Space is a seamless being, I can not call it
something because that defines something, being seems to me appropriate but not
the ultimate definition.
Then it seems that all I can say about me as I
relate this ‘I am an entity filling space for a while’ and then does this
entity dissolve into space or continue never end search for an identity'.
Any identity then assumes the cover up
conditioning or brain washing of the space it covered and in some way came from
that space. Can we leave it and lay it down or does the search for a solid
identity prevail and how I wrestle with this?
SHACK
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