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From time to time during my working days as an
electrician and then onto forensics accompanied by many presentations and
workshops, counselling and psychotherapy I took time off.
Apart from living wild abroad and going to Samye
Ling (Tibetan Monastery in Southern Scotland and Findhorn also in Scotland
It was not a content or happy time, I was somewhat
lonely and yet not so, a loner, I did not have many mates and a few platonic
female friends. I was the one who was a
leader and a healer or empathetic to others.
I spoke to many tramps who walked the railway
tracks, slept rough in fields, hedges and rail yards and they saw no sense in
the world and at a very young age I knew all would die with one at some
point in the future, yet depression did not hit me, however there was a certain
forlornness and I could not give myself to anyone or anybody especially God,
although I fervently knew and felt inside so to speak God was very real and the
only reality, yet I kept him / her at a safe distance.
There was a distinct urge and push from somewhere
in my mind that there was God and peace to be found in a perfect female
relationship, in wealth, prosperity and a notable place of esteem in society,
and for whatever the reason the tramps roamed the highways, side tracks, byways
maybe not or maybe yes like wondering Buddhist Monks clad in robes and
possessing only a begging bowl. I was constantly searching for it ‘out there’ knowing at the same instant it could never be so.
Going into Zen Buddhism at the age of fourteen
years of age coupled with the perplexity of the Near Death Experience in 1942 this young man never had an
upbringing like many; parents were dysfunctional with arguments ad weak
characters, my late brother loathing my father and the anti-Semitism in the
village where we lived when we were evacuated during the second world war and
so on, we all have history and story drama.
Nothing was ever real, solid or any sort of
foundation. Zen led me to a seemingly empty void and although on occasions great
glimpses of ‘something else’ my upbringing in the Jewish tradition and the
horrors of the fate of millions of Jews seemed a stark contrast to compassion
and Buddhism. Going into the NDE what is and was the point
in being on Earth a seemingly cold and hostile place where love was not in
abundance so I felt abandoned by life, God, people and where is this place in
my NDE .
The few intimate relationships I had were
disasters and I cold not lay the blame on the ladies and my mates thought me
weird so I thought well if I am rejected and abandoned I better search the
world for it, for love, for meaning and all else.
The search had moments of extreme beauty in
worldly fashion and inner experiences, yet somehow they were few and far
between, many times I really knew the answer was not out there, yet still I
searched and in SHACK 21 there was this lovely such interlude.
During these episodes I had three or four ‘Dark
nights of the Soul’ I have called them by other names, The Barren Desert, The
Dry Wilderness and so on, where the search just stops, there is emptiness but
not that of joy and peace, but a still dark stagnant pool, not like depression
but something blocking the joy and grace which are the real me, it is deep
rooted pressed down ‘stuff’ crammed and packed into a hard core unconscious yet
having the capacity like a primal creature to sense danger of being discovered
and sought out.
No amount of therapy, analysis, clever
intellectual connivances or mind tricks could conjure up the solution. The solution was to keep alertness to the
fact this is a process and the process will generate its own momentum that will
chip away at the mass, the tumour like entity that like a blood sucking tick or
bug, feeds off of my vital energy. To
attack it or pray for its demise merely gives it energy and makes itself self
important and becomes the controller according to its agenda and takes away and
erodes Life’s guidance.
Is there any change or difference; I still walk
the track yet I am not expecting a Guru, a miracle and solution, I merely know
all tracks lead to nowhere and that instead of being disillusioned and
depressed they merely lead me to witness that which is not and that the track
was created by me to fulfil a wish or saviour that in itself is another
illusion.
SHACK
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