There is an urgency and frustration that has haunted me over the last two years and this can be expressed as such taken from a calendar; 'From the death of my body on the Cross, as from the the shedding of husks in seed-life, springs that New Life which is My Gift to every man that will accept it. A risen Life so glad and free can be yours'.
It is the same message as in many philosophies, religions and some cults, the turning out of the self and letting the Self be the guiding consciousness which it always is, but clouded by the ego (self) with its attending programmes and conditioning. The frustration that I mention above is that when I let go, relax and open up with a free expression and open free running awareness I feel this expansion, this freedom and sometimes this warm embracing grace.
When I feel this it is like the shedding of the husks which I equate to my brainwashing and traumas which by conditioning and repetition have compressed into a tight ball or knot and seemed to have been my reality but now gaps are appearing the knot are slowly slowly unravelling and the light is able to penetrate through this tangled skein, and this light is the light of awareness which in turn makes transparent the fog and delusion having been lived.
Although as I scribe this I live in a flesh body or maybe I am deluded for all matter is but tightly packed trillions and trillions of atoms / particles whatever they may be, so at present I must accept that by some great plan, some Source Creator has it in mind, literally in Mind, in Its consciousness and is aware of its creation of which I suppose I am but one infinitesimal part and yet there can be in a Mind of that proportion, and is a mind measurable, yet again by supposition by its content and the Universe has much content, so I do not exist as an independent unit or form, I only exist as a person 'I' by the notion of my own agenda and conditioning.
I yearn to just live by the power and consciousness of this New Life even unto the flesh where I caste my life and throw myself headlong and without thought and trust naturally as small child with kindly parents that all is well and will be so for ever.
Yet the robot entity a seemingly unwanted visitor an unfriendly guest, a lodger, a tenant now has become unwanted or rather has served faithfully in its time but now has become redundant and does not help or serve the life now entered and is unfortunately not fit for purpose and its modes and patterns, it connivance's and deployments are rusted, withered and decaying. It is a dying entity and is weakly and reluctantly and vainly endeavouring to sustain itself on a dwindling battery life and yet refuses to utterly let go, there is a fear and distrust; can I really let go, can I really trust this Fresh Eternal New Life, am I worthy to join and be one with the Universe and Its Creator, have I the right to exist as co -operator in this vastness. Well yes says the Great Life, ah, but says the self.
The urgency mentioned above is that I fear in my advancing years that I may not have enough time to dissolve this 'i-self' and have to come back to a flesh body and work out the remaining agenda programme brainwashing which seems to have such a octopus tentacle grip on me, or such an alluring seductive material haze that obscures the light as by a hypnotic trance like pervasive subtly. The annoying and irritating part is; the more I try by a number of means to let go, unclasp the fist, open the mind, it becomes a task, a discipline and defeats the purpose by the very ploys contracted, that which seeks to liberate me by my own connivance's and devices only seems to tighten the net giving me respite now and then when I get so tired and exhausted I have to let go.
There is a illustration; a man is trapped in a burning building and the only way out is through the window. Unfortunately he is many stories up and about a seventy feet off the ground. He goes out and grasps the metal gutter. Down below people have set a safety net blanket and yet he is frightened to let go. The gutter is getting very hot and he swaps hands until at last the pain of the heat in the hands forces him to let go. He knows afterwards that the net will catch him and break his fall.
Now in my case I logically and deeply feel, a real heart tug that if I truly let go all will be very well, I know this logically, intellectually and the few times real grace, synchronistically and amazingly, miraculously and spontaneously this is so. AND yet there is defiance, a reluctance, what in God's name holds me back, fear yes, uncertainty yes, lack of trust yes. There are no real excuses I own up, I own my own lack of trust and distrust, my vain ego which says 'never mind God and the Universe I am in charge and know what is best for you or rather me. Don't be fooled by this invisible god thing energy, believe in me, you can feel and see me, the empty stuff, the spirit, can you see it, oh you can fool yourself by a few uplifting joyous moments and then down in the pits, then you latch onto the Buddha's pain pleasure principle and yo yo, you know you are bi polar and need help'.
This is where I say get behind me ego and let me be, this is perhaps the battle that the self growth spiritual warrior, the path of the quest to find the light, the truth, god, emancipation and crippling disease and old age not that you might have these but rather one is upheld through these events and under girded by the reality of the calm, beauty and knows that the sacrifice of the ego by letting go is the removal of the husks, the womb, the carapace, the out warn skin, the chrysalis and out of its protective shelter where it has been the seedling nourished and protected lets go, the crab its new expanded carapace, the snake its new skin to fit its growing body, the caterpillar to the butterfly and becomes this delicate beautiful being and as to me, the me dissolves and the 'i self becomes the 'I Self'.
I wonder if any of the 'i I' really exist in reality and is all in the mind? And what of this mind is that a reality for who can see it but for its content and how does content arise and disappears and is it all an illusion and so on. Does it matter when one has let go and gone then the past conundrum has vanished.
Although as I scribe this I live in a flesh body or maybe I am deluded for all matter is but tightly packed trillions and trillions of atoms / particles whatever they may be, so at present I must accept that by some great plan, some Source Creator has it in mind, literally in Mind, in Its consciousness and is aware of its creation of which I suppose I am but one infinitesimal part and yet there can be in a Mind of that proportion, and is a mind measurable, yet again by supposition by its content and the Universe has much content, so I do not exist as an independent unit or form, I only exist as a person 'I' by the notion of my own agenda and conditioning.
I yearn to just live by the power and consciousness of this New Life even unto the flesh where I caste my life and throw myself headlong and without thought and trust naturally as small child with kindly parents that all is well and will be so for ever.
Yet the robot entity a seemingly unwanted visitor an unfriendly guest, a lodger, a tenant now has become unwanted or rather has served faithfully in its time but now has become redundant and does not help or serve the life now entered and is unfortunately not fit for purpose and its modes and patterns, it connivance's and deployments are rusted, withered and decaying. It is a dying entity and is weakly and reluctantly and vainly endeavouring to sustain itself on a dwindling battery life and yet refuses to utterly let go, there is a fear and distrust; can I really let go, can I really trust this Fresh Eternal New Life, am I worthy to join and be one with the Universe and Its Creator, have I the right to exist as co -operator in this vastness. Well yes says the Great Life, ah, but says the self.
The urgency mentioned above is that I fear in my advancing years that I may not have enough time to dissolve this 'i-self' and have to come back to a flesh body and work out the remaining agenda programme brainwashing which seems to have such a octopus tentacle grip on me, or such an alluring seductive material haze that obscures the light as by a hypnotic trance like pervasive subtly. The annoying and irritating part is; the more I try by a number of means to let go, unclasp the fist, open the mind, it becomes a task, a discipline and defeats the purpose by the very ploys contracted, that which seeks to liberate me by my own connivance's and devices only seems to tighten the net giving me respite now and then when I get so tired and exhausted I have to let go.
There is a illustration; a man is trapped in a burning building and the only way out is through the window. Unfortunately he is many stories up and about a seventy feet off the ground. He goes out and grasps the metal gutter. Down below people have set a safety net blanket and yet he is frightened to let go. The gutter is getting very hot and he swaps hands until at last the pain of the heat in the hands forces him to let go. He knows afterwards that the net will catch him and break his fall.
Now in my case I logically and deeply feel, a real heart tug that if I truly let go all will be very well, I know this logically, intellectually and the few times real grace, synchronistically and amazingly, miraculously and spontaneously this is so. AND yet there is defiance, a reluctance, what in God's name holds me back, fear yes, uncertainty yes, lack of trust yes. There are no real excuses I own up, I own my own lack of trust and distrust, my vain ego which says 'never mind God and the Universe I am in charge and know what is best for you or rather me. Don't be fooled by this invisible god thing energy, believe in me, you can feel and see me, the empty stuff, the spirit, can you see it, oh you can fool yourself by a few uplifting joyous moments and then down in the pits, then you latch onto the Buddha's pain pleasure principle and yo yo, you know you are bi polar and need help'.
This is where I say get behind me ego and let me be, this is perhaps the battle that the self growth spiritual warrior, the path of the quest to find the light, the truth, god, emancipation and crippling disease and old age not that you might have these but rather one is upheld through these events and under girded by the reality of the calm, beauty and knows that the sacrifice of the ego by letting go is the removal of the husks, the womb, the carapace, the out warn skin, the chrysalis and out of its protective shelter where it has been the seedling nourished and protected lets go, the crab its new expanded carapace, the snake its new skin to fit its growing body, the caterpillar to the butterfly and becomes this delicate beautiful being and as to me, the me dissolves and the 'i self becomes the 'I Self'.
I wonder if any of the 'i I' really exist in reality and is all in the mind? And what of this mind is that a reality for who can see it but for its content and how does content arise and disappears and is it all an illusion and so on. Does it matter when one has let go and gone then the past conundrum has vanished.
SHACK
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