It was a spring morning and the sun shone hazily
through the window and the window seemed surprisingly clear and I had the
feeling of lightness and brightness and my body which has taken a pounding
recently and somewhat murky mind seemed lifted and more at ease. It was in
meditation that this feeling came to me.
I then perceived in my minds eye a black blob that
winged in and stuck right in the middle of the window and on close inspection
it appeared to be a spider. The spider
began spreading the web across the window and the threads were black and
somewhat grotesque.
I realised that the web was the past and its
programmes, agendas, conditioning and cultural influences, the trends and
fashions, the idioms and idiosyncrasies and ego pursuits and they somewhat
reduced the light and filtered through in a pattern that the tentacles of the net
allowed or presented.
This absence of light and the shadow this web cast
were my past and the shadow side of me and I had been undergoing for several
months a dark blot, a despair and despondency at times depression and wanted
out of this world. What was there if not
the past? This was strange for I knew
about meditation, I had experienced the grace and light many times, I had been
retired from forensics for eighteen years, I have written blogs, posts, this
site, and presented a large number of workshops and seen countless patients.
So what did this mean? Well
it came to me that I had to now give all my energy to start a new phase. I have and as I type a really painful back and knees and it seemed to say my
foundation my support strategies and system were out worn and with this came
fatigue, distraction and hopelessness. The spider was bang right in the middle
of the window and is was the core, the central node, it was the ego and the web is its programmes and strategies and so on. Its job was to filter the light and
use the energy of the light and absorb it to energise its own agendas so
depleting me of energy.
Then how to remove it? I have meditated over many
years, I have lectured, work shopped on it, spent hours with friends of the
past talking it through and meditating and contemplating, prayers and so
on. Yes gradually more light was
appearing. Self Growth work, analysis,
having a mentor Sensei and Sifu and all of that did loosen the grip a bit but somehow
this morning was different. After it sunk in several interesting things came up;
one I felt to stop all kinds of muscle and fitness stuff and just do Qi Gong
and meditate and gradually have like a spiritual as it were day, I was
beginning to get fed up with the double standards and duplicity of the world
politics and so was coming away from my Posts and just being more still and
aware. I was building a new foundation not on any notions, explanations and
sort of loosely held notions that I found were deeper and the belief of no
beliefs, there is no foundation, if I say inner peace well that moves and
spills over, if I say awareness I am still looking for ‘place’ a ‘feeling’
that will become my rock. This was
‘having no head’ feeling and as such I cannot go any further. What are you with
no head?
Everything above is a moving scenario and the blob
spider still filters the light and day by day the I am beginning to understand
I am not a watered down, filtered shadow, a mere pattern on the wall from the
reflected light, I am indeed becoming the light, not really becoming because as
the light is coming in the room of my consciousness, my mind, I am merely
recognising the light is me there never was a separation only a dimming, the
light and I are One. What was seen as separation was an illusion until the
great spider blob teacher showed me and pointed to the obvious fact that separation
from the light is the job of the ego which is a tormentor and mentor. Darkness of the mind is surely a saviour when
one dives through it.
SHACK
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