Qotes Buddy
In a strange reverie just about on waking I heard the words 'I want you, I want you, not your bullshit, I want you, not your history and past'.
I had been feeling this, I had been tousling with this, I realised I had to dissolve the past, not because of its horror or pleasure so much as as its irrelevance and out of sync, incongruity and outworn patterns and sequences which no longer suit or fit my present evolving consciousness.
It is uncomfortable and painful to realise I am no longer who I thought, believed and have become. The evolving me is not an accomplishment in the sense of obtaining more or acquiring something tangible. It is in fact a more transparent, naked simplicity that is growing.
Some years back I had what I call the 'Dennis' experience which I have aired many times, an experience of being nothing and gales of laughter and freedom and expressed in a video that was sent to me after sharing this experience with a friend the video is called 'The laughing Buddha and is a person named Dennis and Mugi' . I erroneously thought I was liberated in mind for ever, the emancipation only released the authority of restriction to let go of more dead past rotting material.
Several other such interludes of feeling free and unbounded have come and gone, these all leaked away more layers of impacted strata of stored reactions and experiences which helped to sustain the appearance of a solid being structure and reality. These were like water gradually dripping and wearing away rock to to turn it into a valley and free running stream, to allow the great life force freedom to flow and be.
So such a event took place this particular morning at a full moon at the end of May 2018 'I want you'; this has been building up for months. I am tired like I was when I finished the workshops, my job, my clients / patients and the blog online(not quite there although changing the emphasis from conspiracy / political to more the Sun and possible wipe out and even a new being evolving). This particular event was brought on the day before; I had been for a curry and expected to meet some friends there, they were not, the waiter and I had got into some serious stuff over physics, philosophy, although his dad did not like it, he was the chef and owner being into a strict religion and thought I was polluting the mind of his son, although his son was way out of it, and during this conversation some customers interjected and they were strict into their religion, not those of the owner and started what was nearly an argument, but we turned into a discussion and they left rapidly.
To add to this saga the weather had dropped to a bitter, really bitter wind, rain and cold, I did not put on warm enough clothes and was too lazy to go back to home from the bus stop outside my home and change. So when I came out of the curry house I got chilled, did not for some reason enjoy the meal, and limped badly to the bus stop, cold, frozen, out of sorts. On arriving home I put on all the heat I could and felt frozen in mind and body and in rasping pin point pain in my left hip which had been playing up.
I watched a drama which had intrigued me on the telly and some football. The meal, the drama, the football, seemed alien and I felt a stranger in a strange land, also a phone chat with a lovely friend about esoteric stuff fell short of what I really wanted to talk about which was about 'I do know what or why'. So I felt depleted, distant and went to bed late and slept well and had this weird 'I want you' after in the dream state I had been chased by an ashen white apparition of my late cousin Professor Cyril Wolf. He was ashen white, had no glasses and was chastising me and urging to publish my works, lecture, earn money from them and use my talents. I ran with him chasing me, I awoke out of the dream into the reverie as above.
I could not get warm with added clothes and the heat from the radiators. I was chilled to the bone and my mind frozen. I started to meditate and felt words coming to me, I have two digital small pocket recorders and I find them useful for recording Ah Ha's and feelings and listening back often brings a deeper knowing. I rarely use runes, I did this morning and they made no sense they were the opposite to what I thought would be appropriate. Then what had happened countless times in the last few months occurred; I was sick and tired of these discussions as in the curry place and the futile discussions which turn to arguments when others and myself try to win brownie points, although I rarely press the point and I suggest by examples and stories rather than it coming from me, and yet there is this distaste for curry, sharing and the like, a new way was and is emerging and the point is there is no 'new state, beliefs, if fact the absence of them, no new stances, in fact it was an empty nothing to say or be'. This was in contradiction 'I want you' you without story, stance or conjecture, you from the soul, the heart, you from the centre, from the awareness, from the emptiness.
I then had an experience; as I was ruminating on the 'you' I saw on the wall opposite my chair and kind of beam that like in science fiction took one away, beamed a sort of solid me up and out and left a transparent shell, the so called solidness of my form seemed to dissolve and what remained was a virtual me.
I felt fear was only when one identified with solid form, a rock like flesh structure that had its own identity and was kidding itself it was and is eternal and will not get old and crumble, all dominant and in complete charge of itself it was ego, it knew it was going to collapse and die one day and this was its fear, fear that was super glue to keep it in tact and bound together. Yet the emancipated awareness knew it was somehow always an awareness wherever and whenever.
I felt the past stuff was outmoded, half hearted, not meaningful no longer needed, and yet there was still a residue of the solidness of form which because of its identity knew it was a false temporary passport, a label which confirmed to it was a citizen, the passport, bank account, house number, birth certificate, driving licence, tax form, pension , the PH.D, doctor, road sweepers, footballer and so on, yet they were mere concrete planks to support the solidness, and then realising this is just a temporary stance for a few years, panic, I must employ fear to bolster up my solid beingness in this fragile flesh casket.
Underneath or all around is the 'you' and that is what it is and it does not need the old postures to express itself and it is time to change. Change into what? There is no what or where or indeed when. So what now, perhaps that's all there is 'NOW'.
SHACK
George Nisynos
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