AZ Quotes
In
the morning whilst gently bouncing upon the rebounder and gazing in a non
focussed way at the beautiful trees and a lovely white collared pigeon,
everything was still and yet there was a sense of a quiet persistent dynamic as
if a concentrated silent mind was ‘intentionising’ and sustaining the whole
scenario, it was peaceful and I felt I was within the mind of God.
I
felt I was a collective being within the mind of the Almighty and being upheld
by the sustaining power of God’s energy. The trees, the pigeon, the garden, the
sky and I were growing silently and there was a slight buzz an almost
imperceptible buzz, a tingle, a gentle rhythmic gentle flow and a tiny pulse,
more like a waterfall of energy and yet not a waterfall as surrounded by a
cocoon of embracing life sustaining nourishing growth energy.
This
life force was neither chi, kundulini in its feel but the very subtle Life
Force of Spirit, the spirit of which we all live, move and have our being.
I
felt snug and safe and yet deliciously delicate. I felt loved and cherished and yet ordinary,
I felt vulnerable as a baby and yet indestructible as if this form of me, my so
called flesh body was a woven tapestry, a loom of woven interlaced energies
that even when dissolved remained in some way and somehow as a subtle energy
being within the energy or spirit of the whole.
The
day before this experience and a few weeks before this I had been for medical
tests and although having long waits to be seen by the doctors and these repeat
tests stressed me, they are roughly six months apart and I try to exercise, eat
wisely and rest, meditate, do things that will make the tests acceptable to
medical standards which I feel are not always the best of standards and are one
way of looking at the health of the body as are others models in complimentary
energy medicine. Be that as it may,
these tests and the nervous waiting rooms and the long wait and me feeling
uptight and endeavouring to meditate, breathe and stay calm, feeling a dread of
the examinations, that I might fail, they will mean medication and side
effects, why cannot they see that complimentary examinations are so much less
stressing and so on, why was I in these health problems anyway, I just want to be
left alone and grow gracefully in faith and not be disturbed.
Then to my surprise despite my fears and nervousness and utter lack of faith in the
doctors and the whole medical system and feeling I had let myself down in not
keeping calm, in fact the more I tried to let go the inverse happened I
tightened up and to my delight and gratitude I passed with flying colours and
both doctors who I see regularly were impressed.
I
was so full of gratitude to the silent witness, God Almighty, the unseen
therapist, despite and in spite of my efforts, negativity and grave concern
over my number one fear, my health and not by the grace I have felt to lift me
and calm me down of which I have been so grateful, despite my feeling frankly
‘shit and in pain, uptight and doubtful, it was if a miracle took over, even
when being examined, the silent dread of failure, I've failed again, my old
arch enemy which is my lack of self confidence, lack of self esteem which in
certain area fires up my will do better and exceed, despite all that and times
past by the lifting grace and now by the hand of the invisible wondrous,
although not at the time of this above, despite all the crap I felt it somehow
overshadowed this and nothing short of a miracle happened.
With
the grace of course I felt its presence, with the above it worked through my
fear and negativity, although I asked and prayed and this made it worse,
because my lack of self esteem had a sort of arrogance with it; after all I
juice vegetables, do Qi Gong, meditate, write blogs and Posts, look at all the
workshops, patients and so on I should be able to be calm and heal, the
arrogant ego asserting itself through negativity and saying; ‘hey God I can do
it by all the training and meditation and I can do it without you, and then
when failing saying why did you fail me, you have downer on me and then I go
into self recrimination’.
There
had been a few weeks before a growing feeling which I did a SHACK 627 about a
quietness a steadiness without the lift of grace, a sort of quiet grace, a
peculation, like above this silent almost imperceptible presence of a silent presence
that is me and yet is not the me I know that I know it is the me of being and is
not a personal local me but a impersonal non local me, a sort of all
encompassing presence that everything everywhere moves, lives and has its
being.
Suddenly
and yet quietly dawning gratitude for the wonder of it all, the silent partner,
the invisible hand is the all in all and takes the strain of my relentless
trying and doing, and the old cliché comes to me, do from your being, not do from
you doing.
In
a strange almost illogical and perverted way of seeing things at times I have
felt that God has enough to do without my crap and shit, I do not want to
trouble you Great One and the same time not believing in God, can I really
trust you, are you really there, and yet I know you must be because I am alive
and here, big bang, accident, a Creator God, something is there or is it, an
illusion, a dream, is there a dreamer and who is this dreamer and why am in the
dream?
Now
I know that something somehow exists and cares for the dream it created, I
cannot prove this and yet it does this at times and hopefully now that I
sensing my efforts of over trying to out do the presence and prove I am God as
my ego would have it, my beliefs now seem suspended and less useful and it
seems I have to stand beside myself as it were and not forcefully try and plead
my ego to be calm and surrender, my ego has to realise that its efforts have
been great over the years to keep itself / me safe and secure and now to be
able to trust despite its best efforts that the silent hand / presence is trustworthy and I can ‘trouble’
the silent partner to take the strain.
Why
can I trust the silent one? Because I feel The Silent Being is love, not
emotional gushing but a silent energy which just wants to perpetuate itself
eternally and take its creation with it in ever expanding evolutionary forms
and so delight itself and its creations and the family of The Great Source of
Life to go on in ever sustaining and beautiful dreams and it is not troubling God
but realising God’s dreams are God’s pleasures and it is no trouble it is God’s
delight to dream delights for His / Her creation. In fact God's delight is to obtain approval and love for the dreams SHEHE dreams for us, we the creation of the creator mirror back the delight in gratitude for the pleasures of the dream
So
lean back let go and dream on. There is so much more to say and write however this is
for the time being and yet what is time in a dream?
SHACK
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