SHACK 644 PRESUMPTUOUS

A dear friend of mine became unwell with cancer and as we shared the experiences she was going through I found me recalling my experiences at the end of 1999 and beginning of 2000 and all the knowledge of healing and I tried to share this and realised I was not fully listening to her, I found my brain and body tightening as I tried to find answers and judging her for her frantic search for supplements, videos and felt she was frazzling herself and not resting, however I would probably do the same or would I?

My friend became a teacher to me; I realised I was brain storming the issue and the local brain, that is the knowledge gained by experience, beliefs and programmes may not be appropriate in this situation and that there is a vaster knowledge in being quiet and mindful and letting a larger non local mind to intuit and spontaneously so it seems, synchronization and seeming coincidence to play through the straining mind and my worry and fear, yes fear that I might be in a cancerous or similar threatening situation, I was worried for me.

Then I became quiet over the phone one time and I am scared and feel tight because my dear friend gets angry at me for my remarks and when I feebly tell her she barks at me and says well I have said that, your frightening me, I then get confused and say the wrong words and I am afraid of losing her friendship. She has a waspish tongue and scares me; it’s not her as much as my reaction to this.

I realise that in my life I have been put down many times, laughed at and been mocked, so I am wary of being me, not the conditioned brain washed programmed me that is the local small mind ego and the few friends I have I do not want to lose and being truthful it is not real friendship I need their approval and get a lift from them. I am afraid of losing her approval and this feeds my hungry ego.

When I am mindful, breathing, listening and calm, it seems a greater intelligence, a greater being is apparent. Like the brain and its local hardware and software ‘it needs to know that it knows’ ‘it needs to be safe in its knowledge and its reference points’ which it can compute and juxtapose and conjugate into many adaptations with configurations, updates, modifications, yes I do have a great capacity and a quick tricky mind, yet it still limited to the past and a modified future.

I feel I have to say something in company as there is an embarrassed silence, or is there or is it me that is not comfortable with it? Is that why I have such a busy mind in order for the ego me  to know its there and rules the roost, to be in charge, safe and present and most of it is idle chatter, gossip and yet to the ego a vital function and yet there is a crying a calling, be here now, be present and if felt, be true to the self that feels comfortable, perhaps a silent calm one, not looking to better the story, to recount the past and let gaps be there. Then feeling afterwards at times, I feel guilty, I went over the top, the stories, the incidents, the NASA, Forensic and all the past history, I have made a fool of myself, I should have been more quiet, less intrusive, less demanding to be a celebrity, a scientist and milking the outcome for approval and top rating.

Somehow going into a quote that came to me years back being the result of a koan which is ; ‘I know I don’t know but when I need to know I will know’, it is being laid back and witnessing and allowing a space, nay being empty to listen without prejudice and put my local stuff out of the gap of mindfulness and only be prompted by an appropriate ‘feel urge’ which kind of pops into the awareness and not from being presumptuous and interjecting through ‘I am the authority, after all look at all the workshops, the counselling I've done and my achievements, recognise me and give me the love and approval I seek says the dominant local mind ego.

Yes the local mind ego a mere smidgen in the space of all spaces is adept in many circumstances of running the local affairs such as shopping, arranging travel and so on and it is the ability to step back and realise I am just that local and narrow and when to let go and allow the great non local mind to click in.

SHACK