For several months I have been in upheaval and overwhelm as I wrestled with the huge burden and weight of my unconscious programmes and agendas rising and coming to light and me realising their qualities and properties as unconscious 'switches' a sort of a cam shaft, a time clock which automatically and irrevocably came in at prompts hidden from my awareness, my conscious recognition of conscious awakened experience and was the slave of habitual routine and made to feel guilty, fearful if not strictly adhered too, my conditioning punitive despot, master and god.
Obeying these self imposed and brain washed rules afforded me an uneasy peace and security, I sensed without logic this was not the real me and understood logically and intellectually that which in back SHACK's were from birth the clean slate was imprinted by culture, religion, country, tradition and so on and if this was followed all my life without questioning or doubting then my choices were limited indeed. On the other hand seeing that this is an imprint and that I had a choice and could have many things had I been given the choice as a child or awoken to the earlier my life style and life choices may have been so different.
I had already realised that the empty mind, to me the unknown and the few glimpses I had been privileged to glimpse or blink through were so fundamentally different. The unknown although those rare occasions of experience although completely freeing and amazingly wonderful, scared and frightened me no end, a fragmented compartmentalised mind ringed fenced, isolated like a sheep pen, like a big smudge on the clear glass, the clear window of sharp awake alert awareness without conscious effort, the real me I felt was empty and the unknown and was space itself, free and forever and this battle to get the automatic brain washed, conditioned programme soft ware to cease impinging on my clarity and freedom and the frustration that prayer, meditation, mind strategies and clever 'guru' webinars only exacerbated the struggle into tension, back pain, indigestion, lack of rest, sleep deprivation and it built up the pressure. Distractions were tried and it made it worse.
It externalised by my body symptoms as above and then it began to show me what it symbolised and I had talked about so much; I had written that say a doctor or a high ranking police officer or perhaps a famous celebrity had power behind the badge, the doctor status, the celebrity status (one celebrity said 'I even believed my own publicity' one police Superintendent said who am I after I leave and some feared a loss of so much work for so many years, so a hobby and so on, but that loss!!!?).
That loss can feel depressing and yes with a good pension, perhaps start a business, a hobby or get depressed and so on. That loss can show one that all that past was temporary, impermanent, although it felt so secure and safe at the time, it is where my approval, applause and in a way my sort of love came from, my self worth, my certificate to the world, my social standing and social acceptance, my passport to respectability and political approval, media approval and so on.
So my frying pan, my saucepan through meditation removed lots of burnt and bits stuck at the edge, my years of counselling, clients in psychotherapy, countless workshops, forensics and so on had shown me the many faces of personalities, horrors, pleasantries and then my association with NASA, ESA, blogs and POST conspiratorial stuff, the dark underbelly and I had scientific certification and various counselling and psychotherapy diplomas and I ripped them up as I saw they were just to me a mark of my ego and yet there were certain PH.D, NASA / ESA / police / USA badges and cards that were still a mark of my achievements, letters that came from clients and institutions praising my workshops and clinical work, I struggled to throw them away, nothing left to show my mark on the world when I get senile or die. This was obsessing me, this was the struggle, the ego, the brain washing would not let me go free, it kept pounding me, who will remember you, acknowledge, love or listen to you when yo have no certification or visual back up. My ego would not let up, it was one of my last bastions of egoistic survival.
I wanted so much to get rid of these memorabilia's I could see no way after all I tried, affirmations, holosync binaural beats, meditation, books, webinars, phone calls to wise ones, Qi Gong, rebounding, juicing and so on, the pressure built and I had a feeling something had to give and I knew that these things can happen unexpectedly and in the right timing, not horological time and can be triggered by seemingly not logical events that would seem sequential or logical; I had been doing a lot of work on 5G and the Internet of Everything and technocracy with corruption and pollution and I came across an article on tardigrades and the Israeli rocket that crashed on the Moon and spilled them out on the surface, that and the alleged suicide of Jeffrey Epstein and I got a 'flash' that the 5G and stuff with the tardigrades were going to terraform the Moon and this really shocked me on some level, the Epstein seemed to me a cover up to get at the top people involved and it was so obvious.
Going to bed that night I wanted to get rid of these memorabilia's and was contemplating where to dispose of them and a ceremony, that night I had a weird dream; I was running a seminar in a splendid but strange house like I had done many times, a man there said I was his saviour, guru and master, I wanted to get away from him and then I suggested we all stripped naked and confess our deepest fears, inhibitions and weaknesses, we did, and I found myself having sex in explicit positions with a few women and one in particular and then I fell into a fitful and restless sleep and leg cramping which I had been experiencing throughout this restless pressure.
Then came this; Mind fucked by the Buddha and Quantum Physics; I realised all those years back when my inner sensei gave me the koan 'in movement there is stillness and in stillness there is movement' and when the mini satori happened I had that huge ah ha and I knew the world would never be the same, I had a shift like above, a blot on the window had gone, and my view of the world and its human values were not in alignment. I suffered because I could not relate to work, religion, politics and I was only just in my late teens, the Buddhist stuff at Judo and the Japanese Sensei's Abbe, Koizumi, Nangoaka, Otani and in Chinese SifuLi Nei Chong and so on, these plus my dear mentors Rina and Roy Morris, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi all broke down this hard recalcitrant mind set and many others.
Then a huge mind bust; the realisation of quantum stuff; the particles, nothing is solid, breaking of wood and bricks by shattering the molecules, now gaps were appearing fast and thick or rather thin on my window, each shattering another concept and then work and workshops, a rest from this bullying and harassment, the urgency to find the truth, and there is no truth, the spiritual quest, I got lost in materialism, relationships, got sucked into high ways and byways, wrong turnings, endless one way streets and blind dark alleys.
Obeying these self imposed and brain washed rules afforded me an uneasy peace and security, I sensed without logic this was not the real me and understood logically and intellectually that which in back SHACK's were from birth the clean slate was imprinted by culture, religion, country, tradition and so on and if this was followed all my life without questioning or doubting then my choices were limited indeed. On the other hand seeing that this is an imprint and that I had a choice and could have many things had I been given the choice as a child or awoken to the earlier my life style and life choices may have been so different.
I had already realised that the empty mind, to me the unknown and the few glimpses I had been privileged to glimpse or blink through were so fundamentally different. The unknown although those rare occasions of experience although completely freeing and amazingly wonderful, scared and frightened me no end, a fragmented compartmentalised mind ringed fenced, isolated like a sheep pen, like a big smudge on the clear glass, the clear window of sharp awake alert awareness without conscious effort, the real me I felt was empty and the unknown and was space itself, free and forever and this battle to get the automatic brain washed, conditioned programme soft ware to cease impinging on my clarity and freedom and the frustration that prayer, meditation, mind strategies and clever 'guru' webinars only exacerbated the struggle into tension, back pain, indigestion, lack of rest, sleep deprivation and it built up the pressure. Distractions were tried and it made it worse.
It externalised by my body symptoms as above and then it began to show me what it symbolised and I had talked about so much; I had written that say a doctor or a high ranking police officer or perhaps a famous celebrity had power behind the badge, the doctor status, the celebrity status (one celebrity said 'I even believed my own publicity' one police Superintendent said who am I after I leave and some feared a loss of so much work for so many years, so a hobby and so on, but that loss!!!?).
That loss can feel depressing and yes with a good pension, perhaps start a business, a hobby or get depressed and so on. That loss can show one that all that past was temporary, impermanent, although it felt so secure and safe at the time, it is where my approval, applause and in a way my sort of love came from, my self worth, my certificate to the world, my social standing and social acceptance, my passport to respectability and political approval, media approval and so on.
So my frying pan, my saucepan through meditation removed lots of burnt and bits stuck at the edge, my years of counselling, clients in psychotherapy, countless workshops, forensics and so on had shown me the many faces of personalities, horrors, pleasantries and then my association with NASA, ESA, blogs and POST conspiratorial stuff, the dark underbelly and I had scientific certification and various counselling and psychotherapy diplomas and I ripped them up as I saw they were just to me a mark of my ego and yet there were certain PH.D, NASA / ESA / police / USA badges and cards that were still a mark of my achievements, letters that came from clients and institutions praising my workshops and clinical work, I struggled to throw them away, nothing left to show my mark on the world when I get senile or die. This was obsessing me, this was the struggle, the ego, the brain washing would not let me go free, it kept pounding me, who will remember you, acknowledge, love or listen to you when yo have no certification or visual back up. My ego would not let up, it was one of my last bastions of egoistic survival.
I wanted so much to get rid of these memorabilia's I could see no way after all I tried, affirmations, holosync binaural beats, meditation, books, webinars, phone calls to wise ones, Qi Gong, rebounding, juicing and so on, the pressure built and I had a feeling something had to give and I knew that these things can happen unexpectedly and in the right timing, not horological time and can be triggered by seemingly not logical events that would seem sequential or logical; I had been doing a lot of work on 5G and the Internet of Everything and technocracy with corruption and pollution and I came across an article on tardigrades and the Israeli rocket that crashed on the Moon and spilled them out on the surface, that and the alleged suicide of Jeffrey Epstein and I got a 'flash' that the 5G and stuff with the tardigrades were going to terraform the Moon and this really shocked me on some level, the Epstein seemed to me a cover up to get at the top people involved and it was so obvious.
Going to bed that night I wanted to get rid of these memorabilia's and was contemplating where to dispose of them and a ceremony, that night I had a weird dream; I was running a seminar in a splendid but strange house like I had done many times, a man there said I was his saviour, guru and master, I wanted to get away from him and then I suggested we all stripped naked and confess our deepest fears, inhibitions and weaknesses, we did, and I found myself having sex in explicit positions with a few women and one in particular and then I fell into a fitful and restless sleep and leg cramping which I had been experiencing throughout this restless pressure.
I awoke with a start; I knew exactly
where to dispose of my memorabilia, it was in a lake nearby in a park, I was
calm and went to the lake and threw them in, no prayer, no ceremony, the police
badge I wore for years my ID didn't sink immediately and sort of glinted at me
like a reminder and farewell. I did not feel upset, it was time and then went to lunch, I felt I wanted to share this with someone who understood, yet I could
not, for there was nothing there to share.
I did not feel enlightened or elated, I
felt that that window smudge on my clear window was gone, where had all that
mind stuff gone? I found that I could and should not seek it, it had simply
disappeared, vanished like a piece of rock falling of a cliff, a large, big
chunk of rock off of something, I felt sort of 'normal' 'natural' more
true to who I am as an empty awareness. Though there are still remnants and
floaters drifting in here and there. These are just there and there is no
meaning in them they do not connect with anything, they do not stick on the
window or smudge it, there is some sort of disconnect there. It’s like its
just gone as if it never ever was there and in fact it never really was in real
terms it was a dream set as solid and now forgotten and wondering why I dreamt
it in the first place.
Then came this; Mind fucked by the Buddha and Quantum Physics; I realised all those years back when my inner sensei gave me the koan 'in movement there is stillness and in stillness there is movement' and when the mini satori happened I had that huge ah ha and I knew the world would never be the same, I had a shift like above, a blot on the window had gone, and my view of the world and its human values were not in alignment. I suffered because I could not relate to work, religion, politics and I was only just in my late teens, the Buddhist stuff at Judo and the Japanese Sensei's Abbe, Koizumi, Nangoaka, Otani and in Chinese SifuLi Nei Chong and so on, these plus my dear mentors Rina and Roy Morris, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi all broke down this hard recalcitrant mind set and many others.
Then a huge mind bust; the realisation of quantum stuff; the particles, nothing is solid, breaking of wood and bricks by shattering the molecules, now gaps were appearing fast and thick or rather thin on my window, each shattering another concept and then work and workshops, a rest from this bullying and harassment, the urgency to find the truth, and there is no truth, the spiritual quest, I got lost in materialism, relationships, got sucked into high ways and byways, wrong turnings, endless one way streets and blind dark alleys.
Oh God nothing is solid, I went through the endless stuff that some physicists went through the emptiness, the observer, then I got into binaural beats with Holosync programme and Rory Lee and Bill Harris stuff and further shattering and then retirement through ill health, in fact complete madness of Forensics, stopped workshops, cancer of prostate and lungs worked through by meditation, herbs and the realisations, then NASA and the political stuff and then the above, quantum physics mind fucked me like the Buddha, all is impermanence, there is no reality, no badge, no certificate for these are all of the world and they perish and rust and are a false platforms built and testified by ego minds with a science based on the apparent solidness of atoms and to be shattered when the full realisation sinks home, I / we / you/ us are 99.99% empty at the most 63 trillion .1% of fuck all. So the glass, the window is clearing and what is left of the fading reality is indeed fading fast.
SHACK
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